On Mel's Mind, Monday, Dec 29, 2008

I am supposed to go to a Co-dependent meeting tonight, but quite frankly, I don't feel like going. I am tired -- I found out today that I don't qualify for disability even though I have the appropriate documentation from my doctor. It seems that since there is no definitive test for fibromyalgia that it doesn't qualify. I spoke to my doctor today after finding out from my insurance that it isn't something that they can continue paying disability for. My doctor explained in detail how that happens and suggested that I follow up with my psychiatrist. I am so stressed over this. I was paid through December 9, but won't receive anything beyond that. How scary is that for my family. My doctor even says that she has recorded on my records that I am unable to go back to work, that my illness isn't under control -- I am so frustrated.

Mel's Mind, December 24, 2008

Christmas is almost upon us. Would you believe that I haven't shopped for food yet? I know it is going to be crazy! I am done with gift shopping and have been for some time. That was easy for me this year. One part not enough money and one part crazy early bird got the job done in a timely manner.



Trevor is still saying he is coming to MO to live. I am beginning to think he spoke out of hurt, and really didn't mean it. I think he is staying with his sister right now, but I am not sure.



I must still be tired or something, as I am having real problems with my typing skills this morning. That brain finger connection is not working well.

Merry Christmas eve to everyone. And Sheila and Cathy, I hope your holiday is particularly wonderful.



I had a friend email me, the husband is two years older than me, and the wife is my same age.

Attitude of Gratitude for Monday, December 22

I am so thankful this morning that I have a house to shelter me, because I know there are others that do not have this luxury. It is so cold outside. I may not have much, but I do have shelter.

My daily affirmations:
1. I am smart.
2. I am well-educated.


OK -- so maybe I am having a bit of trouble on the affirmations this morning. Truth is, I know I am smart, but I look like a cow. What I see in the mirror is someone in desperate need of intervention for eating. I have been so fat for so long, I don't even remember what thin felt like. I HAVE to lose weight. My blood pressure is up, I have gained weight instead of lost, I am on so many medications I can't remember what I am taking. I am in the middle of a vortex, and it is sucking me down. I can't go to that place again, but I am not sure how to get out.

Mel's Mind, Sunday, December 21, 2008

I am lying in my bed this afternoon. I have fought all day against pain levels, but it finally got to me. I have a half cleaned kitchen, some laundry done, and a bit cleaned out of my office, which has become the family storage space. It is so cluttered, I can barely walk. Surely we don’t need all of that stuff.

I lost my thumb drive that my two books are on. I can’t imagine what I did with it. It is the one that has all of my original work on it. It will have been missing for one week on Monday. Shame on me, I suppose for not taking better care of things.

I am on so much meds right now that I can‘t stand it. I am high – I feel disjointed from my body – as disconnect. Patrick comes to tell me that he took a nap. Something that I already knew as he fell asleep while watching the television. He wants a connection. Asking me to hold his hand and type with one hand. Athese are the times that I know he wants to be grown, but still feels like a child. Scary for both of us, as I am losing my boy; he is being transformed into a man before my eyes. I don’t like it. I want my children to stay small. The world outside is a scary place. There are so many things that they need to know.

fruit bowl

Me'ls Mind, Friday, December 19, 2008

I woke up this morning at 4 am after a very restful night's sleep. It is the first night in several that I slept all night without interruption. I have been waking several times throughout the night, and have been getting up around 2 am out of frustration. I feel so much better this morning.

I woke up hungry, so I made some biscuits. I made them with brown sugar, so they are sweet -- and delicious. I was hungry because I am on a diet -- hoping to loose weight. Some friends are on a fasting diet, so I googled it. I decided to go on a variation that I found. You eat normally every other day, and eat only unprocessed food on the other days. Basically, I eat fruit and raw veggies on those days, restricting my intake to only minimal food. It will be one week tomorrow. I am finding it a very easy diet. However, there is a caffeine restriction that I don't adhere to. My reasons for starting this diet is I gained 27 pounds in two months due to medication changes. I am fat enough. The weight gained has affected my fibro, raised my blood pressure, and has made my clothing not fit. I refuse to purchase any other clothing.

I don't have a scale at home, so I just have to judge by the way my clothing fit. I am already noticing that my pants are fitting better. I am hoping to looks that 27 pounds plus 53 more. My reason is simple: I am 4 years and 1 month away from turning 50. I want to be in the best shape of my life when I hit that mark.

This morning I am so grateful for my house, which provides shelter from the weather.

Mel's Mind, Thursday, December 18

Since Patrick is home bound for a while, I am really interested in home schooling information. If anyone has information they would care to share, I would certainly appreciate it.

On the home front, all of the gifts are bought and wrapped -- unless Mark comes up with someone else we need to send a gift to. There is inevitably that last minute gift, so I don't know. I do feel good that everything is wrapped and the stockings are stuffed.

In addition, I have all of the cards sent. I have kept one box out for the stragglers that I get cards from and forgot to send them one. I think my list is pretty inclusive this year though.

I don't have a clean house, but let's be frank. I seldom have a clean house. Even being at home all day, I don't have a clean house. Writing takes up a good part of my day, and once Jacob come home from school, it is homework, dinner, etc.

Trevor is coming soon to live with us. I am excited about that as I think it is a good change for him. For the most part, we are a calm house. I think he needs that, and the structure we offer. I already have his chore to add to the chore chart -- taking trash from the trash cans out to the trash and taking the recycling out daily. Easy, but something that needs to be done on a regular basis and is not.

My attitude of gratitude for today is the accident that Trevor was in a few days ago. He totaled his truck, but he walked away from the accident. It could have been so much worse. He is just so lucky -- and so are we.

Mel's Mind, Wednesday, 12/16/08

Ah, winter, although not officially, has arrived to St. Louis. There is snow on the ground, even the pavement that had been cleared yesterday has a fresh dusting of powdery white fluff. It is quite pretty.

Today, we are on Patrick's second day home from school. He is a much more relaxed and happier boy today. I was initially against him staying at home, as I fear that returning to school will create, perhaps, the same set of problems that he has now, or even different problems. At any rate, we have made the commitment and it is at home that he will be for probably the next month. I hope during this time to get my boy back.

Mt attitude to gratitude for today is that Patrick is happy, if even temporarily, as I believe this is t he beginning of a turn around in the dark cloud that has enveloped him for the last few months.

A New Post!

I haven't posted in days. I missed my bog/journal. I have been busy, my fibro is flaring, and things have just been kind of crazy around here. Patrick is now on homebound teaching. I, frankly, don't know what to do with him or how to motivate him to want to go to school. I called my sister (one of two) the other day to ask for her help. Patrick had made a statement to me that he didn't want t0 live if the rest of his life is like this. She really helped me with point of view. So Patrick and I had this conversation based on what sis had suggested. She used the anology of a sore foot or going to war. This does feel like a war, so I talked to Patrick from the point of view that depression is the war and that we are in enemy territory right now -- fighting our way back to our right and healthy side. I reminded him that we have been here before, when he was younger, and we made it through as a family -- together. That is how we are fighting this time. When he feels like he can't take it anymore, I expect him to come to me for help. He has come since the talk.

His psychiatrist put him on Lamictal and reduced his Cymbalta. He is still taking Risperdal, which has been his constant medication. I am not a big fan of taking pills, but if it helps to pull him out of this, if anything helps, then I am open to it. He is in such a dark place right now. I know that place all too well; it is a scary place.

If anyone has suggestions that will help, or you just think they might help, I would appreciate it is you would post it here or email to me at patricknjacob@aol.com. Thanks for help.

On Melinda's Mind Thursday

It has been a few days since I have blogged. I have missed it. For starters, Patrick's half days seeme to be working ofr him. Yesterday was an IEP meeting that I had asked for to discuss reevaluation. We missed our long time OT, who doesn't work at the school any longer, and our school social worker, who is out on FMLA. Patrick didn't advocate as strongly for himself as he would have had they been there. At any rate, he is going to be retested in specifically in the areas of mathmatics. They have 60 days to get that done in. Whenever it is done, we will reconvene and go over the results and lock down an IEP with the new data.

I met with dear friend Cathy. It is amazing how you just casually meet someone and they become such a good friend. I really enjoyed my time with her.

Sheila, if you read this. we are supposed to arrange a time after the 27th to get together. I am sure it will be fun for all of us. I miss the fact that we don't' get together after school any more; we should do that once in a while. What do you think?

I am ready for Christmas. The only reason I am is because we really cut back this year, and we are having smaller scale decorations in the house. I like it thought, because I don't seem to have the energy to do something big for the holidays.

Mark says that he notices a change in my behavior. I am just very laid back about everything. I believe it is the medication as well as a change of attitude. I am a bit frustrated right now as I have managed to misplace my drive that has my books on it. I spend most of the day the previous two days looking for it, but can't find it. I am sue it will turn up some where.

That leads me to 10 things that I like about me.

1. I have friends who want to spend their precious time with me.
2. I have enough information and creativity to attemtp to write a book, even if it never gets published.
3. I have a roof over my head, because it is cold outside.
4. I have the drive to get out of bed in the mornings.
5. I have the ability to choose to be productive during my day.
6. I have things in my lie that I look forward to. like this blog.
7. I do not live in Illinois, and can say that I didn't vote for Blogoyvitch (because I would have).
8. I have an ever growing group of friends.
9. I can detach from things when I need to, at least most of the time.
10. I can type.

Mel's Mind Dec 5

Hmm, I am not even sure that if it is really Dec 5, but I think so. I will have to check that and get back. On my mind today is bipolar disorder and behavioral issues. How does a person decide when the line is crossed from behavioral to the actual disorder. Case on point: A 14 year old with bipolar is having school avoidance issues. He went to an intensive outpatient program for three weeks. On week passes and the child is still having the same issues that put him in the outpatient program. He goes to a therapist who recommends 1/2 days at school. Question: Is this a manifestation of his illness or is it a behavioral issues that has nothing to do with the illness? Where is the line and how does one know if it has indeed been crossed?

Daily Affiramations for December 3

1. I got powerful sleep last night.
2. I got out of bed before the alarm went off, and I wasn't cranky.
3. I ate a nutritious breakfast.
4. I asked the children what they wanted for breakfast and made it even though my body hurts.
5. I am planning to reopen my day care, which is something I love to do.
6. I am smart.
7. I went to one on one therapy yesterday even though I didn't really want to.
8. I was honest with the therapist, even though I didn't want to be.
9. I am well educated.
10. I will succeed.

Mel's Mind, Dec 3

I am so tired this evening. I'm sure it is the fibro. Just trying to stay awake long enough for kids to do homework. We have tag teamed Patrick's work. Even Jacob helped him tonight. Blessings all around on the math homework for Patrick. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I must go lie down for a bit.

Daily Affiramations for December 2

1. I am stong enough to ask for help.
2. I am smart enough to ask for help.
3. I got out of bed to check on my son when he woke up at 4 am.
4. I am a good mom.
5. I try to be a good wife.
6. I am well educated.
7. I do daily affirmations to help my self esteem grow.
8. I am share my feelings in hopes that someone else may learn from them.
9. I am a good pet owner.
10. I am loyal.

Dream from a couple of days ago

My Dream tonight was so vivid that it woke me up. I was dreaming about my dad’s house. It was his house, but different. He still lived with Betty, but I couldn’t remember her name in the dream. The living room was like a store. I didn’t realize it when I first went in, but later when I had fallen asleep, and was awakened by Mark, only it wasn’t Mark. It was my friend, Skip, with some features of Mark.

I walked through the house and was amazed at what I found. There was wall to wall clutter, so much worse than my house ever has been. I told Mark/Skip that I couldn’t wait to get rid of the clutter because I felt it was overwhelming. Betty had a bunch of makeup and mail polish on the table, so I was cleaning it up after we had woken up in the middle of the night. There was a ton of nail polish in the makeup. There was some foundation on the edge of the table that was uncapped but empty. I threw that bottle away, but it was a big deal for me to make that decision.

I was showing Mark/Skip how full everything was stocked, so I took him out to the garage to show him the deep freeze. It was then that I saw an addition to the house. There was a huge professional kitchen. There was also a storage part of my mom’s craft things, only it was full of quilts that my grandmother had made.

Then I woke up. Any interpretations?

On Mel's Mind, Dec 1

Perhaps I am on the pitty pot this morning. I don't feel strong enough to go to work, so I told my psychiatrist that I am not ready to go back. I blame it on my fibromyalgia, if indeed this is what I have. Is it all created from my mind? I don't know what the next step is. Below is a letter that I wrote to my brother; it is where my mind is this morning -- the first Monday of December.

Dear XXXXX,

I need to talk to someone or tell them how I feel, and you are my pick. I wish Mom was here to talk to, as I think she would best understand what I feel. Perhaps I have done this to myself -- this alone feeling I have. I have so not wanted to burden anyone with what I am going through, thinking, instead that I could do it by myself with the help of the counseling I have been in. The truth is I can't. I need a support system, but I have torn my family away from me -- pushed and prodded until I feel as though I no longer am a part of this group.

I wish my life was different. I wish Dad had been the sort that I have seen on TV, perhaps Ward Cleaver. But he wasn't and isn't. I hate him. I can't believe I spent so many years of my life trying to be the daughter that I thought I should be -- one that would get his attention in a positive way, instead of such ugliness that I had instead.

I am mad at Mom too. How could she have been blind to what went on with him -- and how could she have stayed with him with the things that she did know what was going on. How could she left so early in my life when I need her so much now?

Where do I turn and what do I do now? Melinda

Daily Affiramations

1. I love my husband.
2. I love my children.
3. I am smart.
4. I am powerful.
5. I have control over how I react to the world around me.
6. I worked on my chored today.
7. I worked on my writing today.
8. I got out of bed and got going this morning when I really didn't want to do so.
9. I made breakfast for my children.
10. I read some of my library books, which is helping to expand my mind.

The last day of November

Today is the last day of November, 2008. When I got up this morning, there was a dusting of snow on the ground. It was just enough to create that filmy, frosty look of a fresh winter morning. Never mind that it was all melted off by 10 am. It was that newness that struck me. It made me feel as if it was created just for me.

That is what I need. Newness. I've been working on creating newness around me. I arranged my bedroom a bit different, and have been attacking the daily chores of my house with a different attitude. I am trying to see things more as blessings instead of curses.

What I am still having problems with is my family of origin. My sister called several days ago inquiring about my health and my situation. I told her -- I don't know why, but I spilled my guts to her. Then I found out that she emailed my siblings to tell basically dish dirt on me. That is the very thing I have been trying to prevent all along. I don't know how to deal with it or what to do or should I even do anything at all. The other thing is -- now that they do know, why aren't they stepping up to help me, or offer assistance or anything. Frustrating to say the least.

My attitude of gratitude today is that I can form my own family. I can include those that love me and that I love the most, whether they are my family of origin or not.

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On Mel's Mind, Saturday, November 29th

I haven't posted for a couple of days. Been busy. On Thanksgiving, I made our traditional family meal of Lasagna. My boys loved it. Funny thing is that I don't like red sauce foods very much, but I did eat some. We had a pretty good day. The cherry pie I made was gone in one day, so I bought the things to make another. Not that we need it, mind you, but I wanted more than what I got! I also am going to make a pumpkin pie -- another food item that I don't like at all. but will make because my family likes it. Fortunately for me, I am a good cook. It is a lot cheaper to make items yourself than to purchase them pre-made.

Yesterday was my last day of intensive day treatment. I don't know how I feel about that yet. I do have therapy scheduled -- I think it is going to be a weekly thing for me, and I am attending Coda meetings. I also think I am going to go to an Al Anon meeting and perhaps therapy for victims of incest in order to more fully heal that process.

On Mel's Mind

Ugh -- awful morning. Patrick fought and fought about going to therapy today. We had loud voices and tears. It was an awful way to begin the morning. I checked and he missed his meds last night. I think a big part of his problem is that his brother gets to be at home this morning, because he is on Thanksgiving break. I don’t know what to do when he gets in a mood like that. He just so needs to learn how to deal with everything. If anyone has ideas, please either leave a comment or email me at patricknjacob@aol.com. Thanks so much for your support.

yay for friends

A big THANK YOU to my friend Cathy for her gift! It came just at the perfect time. Cathy is so generous and full of love -- it is just overwhelming! I am so blessed.

Me? Codependent???

I have started attending a Codependents Anonymous (CoDa) group. While I am still not sure if this is the place for me, I know that I have to work on things outside of the Intensive Outpatient Therapy sessions that I have been attending. I need the support of a safe place to deal with my problems, and one of them is being codependent. For those of you who aren’t familiar with co-dependency, it is a term applied to people who in simple terminology, take care of everyone around them, but fail to take care of themselves.

At the first CoDa meeting that I attend as a part of St. Anthony’s outreach programs, a new member is given a packet the first session. In it is this definition of Codependence.

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependence and may aid those who have been in recovery a while in determining what traits still needs (sic) attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as “never good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise of gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.’
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interest (sic) and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of that the “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advise and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

In the CoDa support group I attended last night, ten positive affirmations about ones’ self was talked about. So instead of trying to do a daily attitude of gratitude, I am going to work on ten daily positive affirmations about myself.

I got up and showered.
I offered and took the boys to school.
I worked on laundry.
I didn’t lie and say that I felt good when I didn’t.
I got the boys up and motivated to get ready for school.
I am writing before I work on anything else, including only fun things.
I am smart.
I am working on self.
I am trying not to control the people in my house.
I fed the animals this morning.

I thought that putting down 10 affirmations would be easy, but it was really difficult. Even starting was difficult. I recommend that assignment for any one who is wishing to raise their self esteem. I am hoping that it becomes easier as the days go by.

If anyone wants information on CoDa or the meetings, you can email me at patricknjacob@aol.com. I will be happy to share information with you.

Melody Beattie and me

I am reading a lot lately. I particularly am focused on the works of Melody Beattie. In her her bookFind Your Way Home: a Soul Survival Kit, she talks about, among other things, the beginnings and endings of thins in our lives. I relate this especially to jobs.

"Ending and rebirth - new beginnings - are an ongoing part of life. ... Learn to recognize when the lesson is learned and our time with a parson or in a particular place is over. Then pack your bags and leave. Get all the pieces and spiritual insights that you went there to learn. Ask. You'll receive all the help that you need. ... Finish your business in each situation, so you won't have to go back there again. ... Sometimes when we believe lies long enough, we forget that we really know the truth."

I recommend everyone reading at least one of her books. There are portions of this book that I felt I knew already or really didn't apply to me, but the vast majority of it does apply. Don't forget her name - Melody Beatie. You can check out her website; here's a link: http://www.melodybeattie.com/

Jacob, Shut Up

We hear Jacob, shut up a lot in our house. Jacob is our noise maker. He likes toys that make noise, and, quite often, he likes the sound of his own voice. If things get quite in the house, Jacob starts talking. Sometimes it is just endless and mindless vocalizations. Often, it frustrates his brother. Hence, Jacob, shut up.

We discourage Patrick from using those words with his brother, but I do remember what it was like to be 14. I didn't have a younger sister nagging me, but I had older sibs, and a lot of them. I don't always agree with them, and, quite frankly, wish I had the courage to say shut up sometimes.

My attitude of gratitude today is that I have wonderful hearing, and the boys that make me cringe when I hear unnesessary things fly out of their mouths. I am also gratful for my own siblings, even when unnecessary things fly out of their mouths too.

Friday's attitude of gratitude

My attitude of gratitude: I am so thankful for my friend Cathy. Although we don't often see each other, she is so supportive of me. She has always been a positive force in my life. There are people at therapy that claim to not have friends; I am so lucky.

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What on my Mind, 11/19/08

I haven't been posting about therapy as I originally intended to. I have allowed life to get in the way of what I want to do, which is writing. No matter the form, I want to write.

So here is a catch up: since lat Thursday, I have only attended therapy for 1 and 1/2 days. I attended partially on Thursday of last week. My fibromyalgia, for which I blame every ache and pain on, was in full swing. I did intend to initially stay the entire day, but the pain got the best of me, and I left half way through the day. I went home and took medication, which promptly made me so tired, I didn't feel like doing anything. On Friday, I felt awful and didn't even attempt to go to therapy.; I called in sick for that day.

I did go on Monday, but to be truthful, I didn't get much out of it. My pain levels were too high for me to focus on what they were saying and doing. So here it is Wednesday, and I was at the Clayton Sleep Lab. I did my sleep study last night. I thought I was going to be evaluated for a nap study, but found out that I have sleep apnea primarily during REM sleep, and need a C-Pap machine to allow for oxygen flow. I have already called off Therapy, so I am not going. I have a lot of things I want to do today at home.

We will see together what the next therapy session brings. I am hoping for a reduction pf days. I may demand the reduction of days attended. I need t he time, and I can honestly say that I am not getting as much from daily treatment as I was in the beginning. I believe that three times per week sessions would better serve my needs.

I am at home, Jacob is at school, Patrick is at Edgewood, and Mark is at work. I plan to get several pieces of writing done. Yesterday, I mailed out a manuscript for a contest. I think I might mail it out to a couple of other places to see if I can't get it published. I plan to work on some reviews and my books. Sounds like a great day, doesn't it?

Finally, my sttitude of gratitude: I am grateful for the leaves all over the place. I needed their beauty when they changed colors a week or so ago.

My anniversary

Mark and I have been married for 15 years today. I am so happy to be with him. If people really get a soul mate, then he is mine. It took me a long time to realize that.

I am reading Finding Your Way Home by Melody Beattie. One of the activities is a soul searching mission. Some of the questions she poses made me stop and think.
If you weren't afraid to try, what would you be doing, and who would you be doing it with? What are you trying to get more and more of that doesn't make you happy - no mater how much or how little of it you get? What have you adapted and adapted to until you feel there's almost none of you left to compromise? If you were living from a base of faith instead of fear, how would that change your life?

Well, I thought about these questions. I would try to be a writer full time if I weren't afraid, but I am writing, and I am pushing the fear aside. About what I am trying to get more and more of -- the obvious answer is money, but I don't think that is the real answer for me. I think I am trying to get more and more attention, and it isn't making me happy. I just need to do what does make me happy and that is writing. Even if what I am writing is trash. I have adapted to the work force -- teaching mainstream education in public schools. I don't think I have anything left to give to any of the people at my school. At least, not right now. And as for the faith question -- how much more can I live by faith? I am not drawing any kind of paycheck. I am just trusting faith that I am taking the right path and that things are going to work out for me -- and my family. I wouldn't be putting everything that Mark and I have worked the last 15 years for otherwise. I do understand what I am doing.

That said, my attitude of gratitude for today is that I have my Mark. He is such a good husband and friend.

Fibromyalgia

My Fibro is in the worst flare up since I was diagnosed. I hurt so bad that I am contemplating going to the ER for relief. I can abrely stand it. It hurts to sit, to lay, to move. I hate that I feel helpless.

Saturday’s Attitude of Gratitude

Today I am so thankful for:
my house, because I could be living in as shelter.
my insurance that allows both Patrick and I to attend therapy, because his alone without insurance is $320 per day.
Jacob, who instead of fixating on the fact that his brother is getting so much attention, is being wonderful and caring.
Mark, who is trying to understand.

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On Mel's Mind

It is 3:51 and I am wide awake. I had a restless sleep. My fibromyalgia is in high gear today. I am achey all over. My back hurts to bad right now. I am going to have to take meds, which make me feel like I am disconnected with the world.

I am looking into getting disability. Not the short term that I am getting through school, but the long term kind that you get through social security. I know that I can’t work when I feel this way. I hope that I have the correct documentation. I have read several things about my specific diagnosis, and I do know that you have to be diagnosed by a rheumatologist in order not be rejected by ssi. I have that, thanks to my smart husband.

On another note, I didn’t make it to therapy yesterday due to the issue with Patrick. I feel bad in a way for him, but I think this will be good. He doesn’t have enough coping skills. He, like his mom, needs to be taught how to better deal with the stressers of life.

The last time I did go to therapy, I saw the psychiatrist. I really like him. I told him that I couldn’t afford medication. I was denied a claim for one of the meds that I have been taking for some time – Cymbalta. He had his secretary call the company drug rep to get free samples. He is going to give it to me for a while. That is really awesome, at least I think so.

Money is so tight right now. I even asked my sister for a loan, but that didn’t work out. It is scary not to have enough money to even by milk for your children. I had planned to go to the food stamp office yesterday, but was closed due to Veteran’s day I know this situation is temporary, but I just never thought that I would be here. I am thinking about going to a local church for family adoption for Christmas because I didn’t make all of my bills this past month. Extra money, if there would be any between now and Christmas, will have to go to paying past due bills. I haven’t decided as of yet. I know Christmas isn’t about the gifts we give to each other, and I don’t care about myself, but I would like my kids to be able to receive gifts. A tough one that I will have to think over.

I know I haven’t been posting like usual on this list. I have been writing though. I am starting to write on the site Associated Content. I am not making a ton of money, but I am making money, which really helps out. It is great to get paid for what I love to do.

Other than writing, I have been working with my son. Patrick is now attending an intensive outpatient program daily at St. Johns. Long story. I hope it helps him as much as it has helped me. If you believe in the power of prayer, please include him in your prayers. We would both appreciate it.

My attitude of gratitude for today is that I am thankful for my family that I love so much, for my insurance that allows my family to obtain care that we would not otherwise be able to afford, and for my psychiatrist, Dr. Rao, who is helping me to find affordable medication.

attitude of gratitude Monday

Today I am grateful for:
having a child wake me up at 2:00 am because he is sick and vomiting. I am in therapy with someone whose daughter was kidnapped and murdered. I have my children.
my husband, who suffers from arthritis. Although it is crippling at times, it is not fatal. I went to a benefit last night for a man who has terminal cancer. He is leaving behind a wife and two children.

2008 Ram 1500 -- RAM tough

I recently went to look at the new Dodge Ram trucks. I looked specifically at the RAM 1500. It is quite a beauty, let me tell you all about it!

Engine: The basics here: 5.7 liter HEMI V-8 to generate more horsepower and torque. What this means is that there is a lot of power under that hood. If you need to pull, say a horse trailer like my friend Debbie, or a camping trailer like me, this truck will do it without a problem. It is not a girly girl truck. When the commercials on TV say Dodge trucks are RAM tough, they are definitely talking about this baby.

The Looks of the Truck: The Dodge Ram 1500 has 4 bed lengths. Can you imagine that ? FOUR. And the cab sizes, but each cab comes with its own specific bed length, except for the regular cab. You can get a regular cab and a short bed (6’4”) or a standard bed at 8’.

Cab Size:The Quad and Crew cabs come either with a 6.4” bed, but you loose a little space in the rear seats, or you can get the Crew 15000get a little more room in that rear passenger seating area, but you lose close to a foot on bed size (comes in at 5’7”).

Paint Colors: I’ve not seen all of the colors of this truck, but the AUSTIN Tan Pearly is kind of ugly. I know I have changed poopy diapers with that color in it. I personally don’t like Sunburst orange pearl wither. I know someone who did purchase a RAM 1500 in this color. It doesn’t look RAM tough! My fav is Detonator Yellow and next I really like the metalics.

Storage: They call this thinking inside the box, with their variety of stroage and cargo management systems. For the bed of the truck, , you can get two locking weatherproof, lit, drainable storage bins, that work together with a cargo bed divider (which also can doable as a bed extender for those really long pieces of wood or drywall,. On the inside, that are in floor stage bins, a two-tier glove box, and a center console. Pretty cool.

Engine: I surely don’t claim to be a gear head, but here is what I know about the engine. It looks pretty complicated, as most do these days. There is a 5.7 liter HEMI V-8, which has better torque and horsepower, which translates into a lot of pulling power in this baby. It is easily enough to pull my friend Debbie’s horse trailer without feeling the strain.

What I think: I wouldn’t purchase one of these simply because I can’t afford it. It is a really awesome truck though. It really fit’s the Ram tough image. The truck is huge, taller than my mini-van, but about the same length. I had a hard time climbing into it; if I were to purchase one of these, I would have to get the optional side step thingy. Once in though, it is amazing. I love the new car smell in the first place, and to be in something up so high was really cool for me. Once out on the roads, the truck drove like a charm. I was surprised at how smooth the ride was. We used to own a Ford F-150, and it's ride wasn't nearly as smooth as the Dodge Ram 1500. A quick run down the highway convinced me that if I could afford this baby, I would definitely purchase.

Contact Information: You can check out at any dodge dealer or online at dodge.com/ram.

11-7-08 attitude of gratitude

I am grateful for:
my son who turned 14 two days ago.
my friend, Sheila, who supports me always.
my friend, Marti, who loves me.
my husband, who even though he is so tired, still listens to me and works hard to provide for our family.
my insurance that it is so good and allows me to go to therapy each day.
my house.
living in Missouri where I get to see all four seasons.

OBAMA: He's My Man!

I don't think I can express just how happy I am with the turnout of people for the elections yesterday. It wasn't just in my St. Louis either. There were record numbers of voters all over the country. How awesome is that? That is how is should be for each and every election. People should realize just how powerful that their opinions and ideas are. We must stop this mentality of thinking we don't count and we can't make a difference! We do -- and we can.

Take me for example, one month ago, I was ready to end my life. I was in a lot of pain spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I was lost with my direction of life. Now, I am acting proactively with my health to try to get it together. I am working on the spiritual and emotional parts too. For the first time in my life -- did you get that one -- for the first time in my life, I am doing what I want to do and what I think I need to do. I am in therapy working furiously on issues. I would like to leave -- it is so hard some days, but I still go, chipping away at all that is not me. A rebirth, of sorts, exposing the new, vulnerable, but true self. It has taken so long to get to the point where I could even do this. I am still not 100% honest about things. I guess that sort of trust takes time. I don't know. But I am working on it.
Barack Obama and Joe Biden won the election because they took a leap of faith. I made a huge leap of faith that this will all turn out right, as did my family. You can do it too. The time is at hand.

Just Another Saturday

I was going through things that I have written and found this. I had totally forgotten about the event. I thought you might enjoy reading it.

Just Another Saturday
Mar 09 '03

Yesterday there was a fire in my next door neighbor's yard. It burned 90% of their yard. The following began as a letter to my friends, but I thought it would be a great thing to share here with my epinions friends too.

I was in my kitchen when I smelled smoke -- like leaves burning, but we live in a no open fire area. I checked my house first (because my husband had been doing wood working earlier and you know men and their power tools), but I didn't find anything. So I went out on the deck and saw smoke coming from the side of my neighbor's house. I thought he was burning leaves. I came back in the house, and just happened to look out the front window -- all I saw was smoke. I ran outside to find my neighbor's yard on fire and him trying to put it out. I yelled for Alicia and we grabbed trash can lids to try to beat it out, which only fanned the flames. Then I saw our water hose, which I turned on and started spraying. The weird thing about the fire was that my neighbor thought he had it completely out beside his house, but when I went over there with the hose, there were flames licking at the side of his house. It was so windy that areas kept coming back to life.

Anyway, the fire department came and emptied their 500 gallon truck and put out the fire. Then they refilled it and sprayed everything down again to get the hot spots out.

We all calmed down and talked about the blessings that came as a result. It could have been so much worse. My neighbors were home and were on top of it quickly. I was home so my step-daughter and I were able to help. If the wind had been blowing in any other direction, the fire would have spread to multiple yards, but it didn't. It was so windy that there was a lot of trash blowing yesterday; I saw paper blowing around two connecting yards, but it didn't blow into the fire. Although flames licked the neighbors house, the force of water from the fire department's water cannon washed the blackened part off. My neighbors have spent lots of money beautifying their yard, and none of their plants, etc., caught fire. The neighbors had their windows open due to the unseasonably warm weather, but no water got into their house, and although both of our houses smelled horribly of smoke at first, it didn't last. I got to use this as a lesson on giving help even when you are afraid to my children. And finally, this shows how the Lord can take something bad and just turn it around.

Voting and Therapy for today

I voted today, did you? I surely hope so. It is such an important responsibility that we accept as being and claiming citizenship to our country. I am excitedly watching election returns tonight.

I went to therapy today. I know I missed blogging about a couple of sessions, and I don't want to get too far behind. So -- we have been talking a lot about Human growth and development. I really am liking my therapist, S. She is so together and so smart. She seems to be able to pick my brain.

I am wrapping my head around the fact that a lot of my problems stem from being co-dependent. You know, I have been that way for so long that I can't pin point where self begins or ends and the sickness of being overly codependant starts and ends. I just about have myself talked into going to group recovery for CODa. I don't know for sure yet. Shit, I could spend all of my evenings going to support meetings. There is Al-Anon. I have never been to one of those, but I am really thinking strongly about it also. In addition there is Adult Children of Alcoholics that I would like to try also.

One thing I haved learned in therapy is that I don't know what my triggers for depressive behavior are. That is a real problem, as I can't begin a recovery plan when I am not even sure of the triggers. I am going to work on that really hard for the rest of the week. I am realizing that I really don't want to feel this way for the remainder of my life. I have spent my entire adult life not knowing what or whoe I am -- always wrapping my life around someone else's. Not a good thing if you allow yourself to suffer and fall to the wayside in the process.

Some good things came out of today; at least I think a lot of good things came out of it. Happy election day to you all.

VOTE CHANGE!

Please vote today. Please consider voting for Barack Obama as he has the most effective plans for middle class America to pull our nation out of the slump that has been affected by the Republican party and George W. Bush. If you live in Missouri, I encourage you to vote no on Prop A. Prop A does not add funding to the schools, it takes it away from one source and allows the money to be given from another -- there is no additional funding to schools in this bill. In addition, it allows the current gambling casinos to create a monopoly. Monopolies are never good for the economy. It also lifts the current loss limits for individuals, meaning that an individual could potentially gamble away their life savings in one event. My attitude of gratitude for today is that I am so happy that I live in a country that allows me the freedom to express my opinion without fear of retribution.

Story version 4

Just Another Day -- version 4: If you could read this copy and make suggestions, I would really appreciate it. Uggghhhh -- I don't know if I am cut out for writing stories. Maybe I should stick to what I know. Thanks for reading and commenting.


The snow pounded down. Normally Jane and her children loved snow, but this was more of a snow storm, not the gentle fluff they were used to. It matched her mood. Jane Chesney looked like any other suburban housewife, but she wasn’t, or at least she thought she wasn’t. She was suffering from depression, and a host of old ghost-like issues had recently risen up and led to her giving up her job as an inner-city school teacher. She had thought that she would be able to find another job immediately, but hadn’t counted on her depression kicking into high gear. She was in daily, which made jobs hard to find.
So here they were, at Christmas, with just some stocking stuffers for her boys, a storm raging outside that mirrored the one inside her. “Damn, I just wish that I was strong enough to handle things better, to handle life. I can’t seem to get myself together. Shoot, even when I do pull it together for a while, it doesn’t take long before I start to unravel again.”
Hey Mom!” Joel barreled around the corner. “I’m hungry; what’s for dinner?”
The realities of motherhood snapped Jane out of her thought process. “Well, we can either have sloppy joes and fries, burgers and fries, or Hamburger Helper and fries. What…”
“Ewww -- can’t we have something else besides that nasty ground beef and those cheap fries? I am tired of them. When are we going to go grocery shopping?”
Snapping back, Jane snorted, “When I get another job or it starts raining money.”
The crestfallen look on Joel’s face was enough to make her want to eat her words. “I am sorry hon. I didn’t mean to sound ugly. I am tired of the same old, same old too. I am just trying to stretch the money as far as I can. I can’t afford to have anything go to waste and we had this stuff in the freezer. Dad gets paid this week, and I will go shopping. Can we not do this right now, please?”
Joel took a long look at his mom. He saw tired blue half moons under her eyes. He knew that she suffered from mental illness; he just wished they could have a break. He looked out the window at the snow already piled up over a foot deep on the driveway. “Mom, I am sorry. I know you are trying. Let’s make sloppy joes -- come on, I’ll help.”
They walked together through the house. Looking around, Jane never quite felt settled in the house, although they had lived there for almost ten years now. It was squat and looked like a cracker box on end. Not a yummy box of Keebler crackers, but a plain old box of saltines. Nothing pretty or unusual, just a cracker box. It was decorated with cast off and hand me downs, just like the rest of Jane’s life. Even her name was plain. Perhaps that was part of her issues -- that she was to never be happy with anything, that everything always felt and burdensome. Even her family that she loved so much felt that way at times. Like now, when they had to have ground beef for the fifth day in a row -- there is only so much you can go with ground meat.
At 6” tall, Joel looked much older than his 14 years. Sometimes he showed his old soul too. He really was a good kid. Jane watched him as he browned the ground beef at the stove, gathering all of the things he needed for the sloppy joes in between stirs.
”AAAARRRRRRROOOOO!”
“Get it boy!” said seven year old John barreled through the kitchen following Buddy, his big coon hound, closely. “I’ll bet Dad’s home!” John was built like a football player, and acted like a line backer -- he never moved slowly, always rushing headlong into whatever was happening next. This event just happened to be the arrival of Dad; it was cause for celebration every day when he came home
He was loved by his family, that was for sure. He came stomping in. “Brrr, it is cold out there!” John and Buddy both flung themselves on David. “Hey guys, can’t you let me at least get in the door? John, you are never going to learn that if you fling, Buddy flings! Remember that we are trying to teach him calm, submissive -- not knock someone down?”
“Oh yeah, but Dad I just had to get here first to tell you that there is a canned food drive at school for the, for the -- uhhh -- oh yea, for the less fortunate, and the winning class gets out of homework for one whole week! Do we have cans I can take in? Do we?”
“I’m sure we can find something. Now let me go put my briefcase down so I can give your mother a big sloppy kiss.”
“EEEWWWW!”
Jane took it all in. It was a great picture, and she didn’t understand why it didn’t make her happy. It should. She had things that many people never get. A home, a family, and a husband who was good. Good to her, good to the boys, good to everyone.
“Hi honey, how was your day?”
Making his way through boys and dogs across the house to the kitchen, David walked over to Jane and kissed her. “I had a great day, how about you?”
Jane looked around her -- at her family, at her house, and realized that she had everything she wanted right here. “I had an OK day. Dinner is almost ready. Why don’t you go change?”
Wanting to be what her family needed, Jane worked hard at getting her depressive episode in check. She knew that she needed to get back to work, but therapy was going so well right now. She was watching David with the children, and suddenly realized that he was exceptionally happy looking tonight. Her brain kicked into overdrive, and old worries began to surface.
“Didn’t you hear me Mom? I asked you how therapy went today. Are you OK?” The look on David’s face changed from happy to worry in a flash.
“I’m sorry. I did hear you. Therapy went really well. I really like the group leader, and I am learning things about myself and how my brain works. So, Jane paused for a moment while she watched the worry drain from her David’s face, “You said that your day went very well, anything interesting?”
David just smiled mysteriously. “Oh nothing really. I’m gonna go change.”
Just then, Joel said to his mom, “Sloppy Joes are ready, are the fries? And, can John set the table? I mean, I cooked and all, and he knows how to do it.”
“Kay, hey Johnny, can you set the table for mommy? I will help you.”
John came into the kitchen with Buddy, whose tail was wagging as briskly as a whisk broom in a busy hand, trotting behind. “Sure mom, you gonna pay me?”
Laughing, Jane answered, Pay you in what? Kisses? I sure don’t have any money!”
Just then David walked back into the kitchen. Leaning down to scratch Buddy behind the ears, he said casually, “I got a promotion today.”
“You what?” Jane squealed!
“I got a promotion,” he paused dramatically, “and a raise! A huge raise, a $10,000 raise, and a bonus!”
“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it! Right before Christmas! Did you say a $10,000 raise?”
I did,” David said proudly. If that isn’t good enough for you, ask me how much my bonus is!” Before anyone could even get the question out, David blurted out, “Equal to my raise! Do you realize how many bills we can pay off?” Beaming like the Christmas lights that decorated their house, David hugged his family close.”
Jane realized then that she was going to be OK. She would always be affected by her depression, but she had a loving, supportive family, and she would continue fighting the good fight.

End

Saturday's Attitude of Gratitude

My attitude of gratitude today: I am thankful that I know my needs are being met. Perhaps I don't have wants, but really -- who does? I am also thankful for my children, for whom else would I be able to get up at 4 am with, and who would make me laugh? Finally, I am thankful for my husband, who works hard at providing for his family, and helping me on this journey. What is your attitude of gratitude today?

Friday's attitude of gratitude

Something new I am trying (of course it comes from Hyland's therapy courses) is a daily attitude of gratitude. I know with depression that we tend to focus on the bad and bleak -- so to turn that around, we need to focus on what we are thankful for. Today I am thankful for my family, especially my husband. I know I don't talk about him that often, but he is wonderful. I don't know how I would make it through this without him. He is more of a rock than he knows. Of course, this is terribly stressful for him -- I think man mentality is that they fix a problem when presented with it. He can't fix this; he can help me, but he can't fix it. I am the only one that can fix it.

Thursday

I didn't go to therapy yesterday. Too much going on. I had an appointment elsewhere and another at 2:15 -- therapy runs from 11:30 until 3:00. I left appointment #1 at 12:15. Appointment #2 was a sleep lab. Doctor thinks I may have narcolepsy, and wants to do a 22 hour test! Yes, you read right -- 22 hours. Crazy, I know, but I am going to go through with it. My appointment for the actual testing is November 18 -- one day after my 15th anniversary. I researched narcolepsy and other sleep disorders yesterday. Wikipedia.com has a lot of interesting things to read, Web MD not so much. I also have a bit of literature from the company. I will, of course, post the results.

Help me with the story I am writing

I am writing a story to submit for publication. Here is what I have so far. I would like comments, suggestions, and any other input. I ad a talk with my husband last night -- I have 6 months in which to make a go of it as a writer, or I have to go back to the classroom. Anyway, I am getting serious -- so please help!


The snow pounded down. Normally Jane and her children loved snow, but this was more of a snow storm, not the gentle fluff they were used to. It matched her mood. Christmas was right upon them, but there was no Christmas spirit in the Chesney household. Jane, suffering from depression, and a host of old ghost-like issues had given up her job as an inner-city school teacher. Just walked away. She had thought that she would be able to find another job immediately, but hadn’t counted on the sudden economic recession, which made jobs hard to find.
So here they were, at Christmas, with just some stocking stuffers for her boys, a storm raging outside that mirrored the one inside her. “Damn, I just wish that I was strong enough to handle things. To handle life. I can’t seem to get myself together. Shoot, even when I do pull it together for a while, it doesn’t take long before I start to unravel again.”

“Hey Mom!” Joel barreled around the corner. “I’m hungry; what’s for dinner?”
The realities of motherhood snapped Jane out of her thought process. “Well, we can either have sloppy joes and fries, burgers and fries, or Hamburger Helper and fries. What…”

“Ewww -- can’t we have something else besides that nasty ground beef and those cheap fries? I am tired of them. When are we going to go grocery shopping?”

Snapping back, Jane snorted, “When I get another job or it starts raining money.”
The crestfallen look on Joel’s face was enough to make her want to eat her words. “I am sorry hon. I didn’t mean to sound ugly. I am tired of the same old, same old too. I am just trying to stretch the money as far as I can. I can’t afford to have anything go to waste and we had this stuff in the freezer.”

Joel took a long look at his mom. He saw tired blue half moons under her eyes. He knew that she suffered from mental illness -- he had heard enough stories about when she was younger and had lived through another million. She tried so hard. He just wished they could have a break. He looked out the window at the snow already piled up over a foot deep on the driveway. “Mom, I am sorry. I know you are trying. Let’s make sloppy joes -- come on, I’ll help.”

They walked together through the house. Looking around, Jane never quite felt settled in the house, although they had lived there for almost ten years now. Perhaps it was because she didn’t want to buy it initially, but Nathan had bought it anyway. It was squat and looked like a cracker box on end. Not a yummy box of keebler crackers, but a plain old box of saltines, sitting end up. Nothing pretty or unusual, just a cracker box. It was decorated with cast off and hand me downs, just like the rest of Jane’s life. Even her name was plain. Perhaps that was part of her issues -- that she was to never be happy with anything, that everything always felt and burdensome. Even her family that she loved so much felt that way at times. Like now, when they had to have ground beef for the fifth day in a row -- there is only so much you can go with ground meat.

“Hey Mom? Where is that can of sloppy joe mix?” Joel’s voice pulled her back to reality.

“Ummm, it is right over here.”

“You know Mom, it is going to be OK. We have a house and lots of stuff. A lot of people have less than we do. You and Dad are getting the bills paid, right? I mean, I know it really isn’t any of my business, but things are paid up, aren’t they? Please don’t give me that look like I am a kid and shouldn’t know what is going on. I have ears, and I hear you guys talking about things. And no matter what, we have each other, and we are going to take care of each other.”

At 6” tall, Joel looked much older than his 14 years. Sometimes he showed his old soul too. He really was a good kid. Jane watched him as he browned the ground beef at the stove, gathering all of the things he needed for the sloppy joes in between stirs. “Mom if you get the fries, ready, I’ll put them in the oven. I have it preheating.”

“Thanks son. You really are something else, you know that?”

”AAAARRRRRRROOOOO!”

“Get it boy!” said John as he barreled through the kitchen following a big coon hound closely. “I’ll bet Dad’s home!” Almost as tall as his brother, but two years younger, John was built like a football player whereas his brother was tall and thin, almost willowy, especially for a boy. John acted like a line backer -- he never moved slowly, always rushing headlong into whatever was happening next. This event just happened to be the arrival of Dad, It was cause for celebration every day when he came home.

He was loved by his family, that was for sure. He came stomping in. “Brrr, it is cold out there!” John and Buddy both flung them selves on David. “Hey guys, can’t you let me at least get in the door? John, you are never going to learn that if you fling, Buddy flings! Remember that we are trying to teach him calm, submissive -- not knock someone down?”

“Oh yeah, but Dad I just had to get here first to tell you that there is a canned food drive at school for the, for the -- uhhh -- oh yea, for the less fortunate, and the winning class gets out of homework for one whole week! Do we have cans I can take in? Do we?”

“I’m sure we can find something. Now let me go put my briefcase down so I can give your mother a big sloppy kiss.”

“EEEWWWW!”

Jane took it all in. It was a great picture, and she didn’t understand why it didn’t make her happy. It should. She had things that many people never get. A home, a family, and a husband who was good. Good to her, good to the boys, good to everyone.

“Hi honey, how was your day?”

Making his way through boys and dogs across the house to the kitchen, David walked over to Jane and kissed her. “I had a great day, how about you?”

Jane looked around her -- at her family, at her house, and realized that she had everything she wanted right here. “I had a great day too. Dinner is almost ready. Why don’t you go change?” Jane realized then that she was going to be OK. She would always be affected by her depression, but she had a loving, supportive family, and she would continue fighting the good fight.

Therapy, Day 5

I know I missed writing about a day of therapy. This is, it was just too painful to share. Sometimes that happens. As for day 5, I spent a great deal of the therapy day with my psychiatrist, whom I like more each time I meet with him. I don't know if it is because he is so good at what he does, or what his deal is, but I trust him. He doesn't ever talk down to me, nor does he try to counsel me. he says that there are therapists for counseling. He is about controlling my symptoms with medication and find the right combination of meds that will really help. He changed my meds again. The prescription is at the pharmacy, ir I would share the new drugs and amounts. I know one of the drugs is Ritalin.

Imagine a 45 year old taking Ritalin. I never thought that would be a drug I would take. At this point in my life, I am willing to do almost anything to correct or change how I feel. I haven't shared 100% truthfully with the people at Anthony House, but I will share with you. Yesterday was the first day in about a month that I didn't feel suicidal or have a plan. You see, I know if I would have told them that I was feeling that way, they would have, by law, had to place me on inpatient status. I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to go that route. I know the med change must be working, because this is day two that I don't have those thoughts.

My psychiatrist signed forms for me to continue to use FMLA until the end of the school year. I am going to apply for short term disability. I sure need it. We are not making the bills each month. I have been calling creditors to explain. Most have been reasonable. One said that they couldn't do anything about current payments, but that if I enrolled in their insurance program and was on disability, that they would pay off my credit card. Then if I don't carry a balance on the card, they won't charge each month for the protection. I enrolled today and am being sent paperwork. We will see if it is as good as it says. I have $4000 racked up on the card. That would be a huge monkey off my back.

Need to go. I have therapy yet again and must continue getting ready. I want to have time to go to Wal-greens before I go to Anthony House. Have those new meds to get.

Thanks for reading.

See Grant's Farm before it is taken over by Inbev!

I have decided to do a series of reviews of entertainment locales in and around St. Louis. My first was Six Flags St. Louis. Another great place for a family visit is Grant's Farm. It is located just outside of St. Louis in Affton, Missouri. It was a one time home of our 18th President, Ulysses S. Grant.

In the early 1900s, Grant's Farm was purchased by the Busch family of Anheuser-Busch, Inc. fame. It was their home for many years prior to opening it to the public. It is now a 281 acre wildlife preserve. Although Grant's Farm is not as highly publicized as some of the other places to visit in the St. Louis area, it is one of the best! It is a wonderful place to spend a morning or even the day.

Entry into Grant's Farm proper is free, but you must pay to park. This wonderful preserve is home to hundreds of exotic animals from around the world, including several varieties of deer, horse and cattle, including my children's favorite, the Oreo Cookie Cow (actually a Belted Galloway). Upon entering the property through a covered foot bridge, you wait in line at Grant's Station for the next tram to take you on a tour of the wildlife preserve. The longest time I have ever waited was during the Fourth of July weekend -- forty five minutes. This, however, is a rarity, as the wait for a tram is generally only ten minutes or less. On the tram ride, one of the first sites you see is Grant's cabin, called Hardscrabble. It is the only existing home that was actually built by a president. Although he only lived there a short time while his "real" home was being built, it is still an exciting piece of history. There are tours periodically throughout the year through the cabin, but these are few. If you do happen to be lucky enough to go into the cabin, you won't be allowed on the second floor; it is closed due to age, and is not considered structurally sound. It is worth visiting when the cabin is open for tours though, just to gain insight into that piece of history.

After passing through a gate that separates Hardscrabble from the actual preserve, the tram ride continues. The length of the ride varies depending on the cooperation of the animals who call Grant's Farm home. You see, if an animal decides to block the roadway, which does happen, you are stuck. During one visit, the tram my family was on was "held hostage" by the bison for about fifteen minutes! It was quite interesting though as there were deer on one side of the tram and a baby calf on the other licking the tram. There is no guarantee that you will see animals on your ride though. Of the dozen or so times I have been there, there was only one time that I consider the tram ride a failure, because we saw no animals except for ducks and the fish in the pond. A personal recommendation is to go during cooler weather when the animals are more active or in the early morning if you go during the heat of the summer. After the ride through the preserve, you are dropped off at one end of the Tier Garten near the petting area for the goats. You can purchase a bottle to feed the babies. There are also a variety of animal shows in outdoor theaters throughout the day. (Signs are posted with the times.)

There are several other animal exhibits to see, including bald eagles, giant tortoises, and elephants. After a walk though the Tier Garten, my family is always ready for a soda in the Bauernhof. This is also the area to catch a tram back to Grant's Station. After our tram ride out, we like the visit the General Store. There are several souvenir shops located throughout, but this is the largest -- and our favorite. Once used by the Busch family as a stable, it is now a show area for their carriage and tackle collection. There are a variety of horses stabled there as well. This is also the area to catch the tram back to Grant's Station. A final stop at Grant's Farm should be the Clydesdale training and breeding are located at the north end of the parking lot. Known as Label Stable, you are almost always guaranteed wonderful Clydesdale views. For more information, check out the website at www.grantsfarm.com.

10501 Gravois Rd
Saint Louis, Missouri
(314) 843-1700

Six Flags St. Louis

Six Flags St. Louis is located at I-44 & Allenton-Six Flags Road in Pacific, Missouri, just minutes from St. Louis. Their phone number is (636) 938-4800. It is thrill seeking, St. Louis style.

Six Flags is good for a day's outing. There is a lot to see and do. However, I have to admit something up front, I hate roller coasters! Several of the rides are not suitable for the younger set, but I do have thrill-seeking children and one crazy husband. They love the thrill rides! There are a ton of things to do while you are there. My favorite area is Hurricane Harbor. There are water slides and tube rides as well as a play place for kids. My family likes the Lazy River to tube in, but when the park is busy, you can only go around one time, then you have to give up your tube and get back in line. Hook's Lagoon is a fun place to play with your kids. It consists of a five story tree house and eight water slides. You have to be less that 48" for the pirate rides and at least 42" tall for the slides. This area also has a 1,000 gallon water dump bucket that that is awesome on a hot day. We also really enjoy Hurricane Bay. It is a 30,000 square foot wave pool. Only rental tubes are allowed in this pool, and the pool is cleared every hour for several minutes for a safety break. If you go to Hurricane Harbor, just make sure you are wearing swim wear if you want to do the slides or any of the other rides, as they won't let you on in street clothes.


Another favorite area, located in the main park is the 1904 World's Fair, which is home to the Colossus: an 18 story ferris wheel. You can pretty much see the entire park from the top. Very cool. The Warner Brother's Back Lot area has a couple of roller coasters that my husband loves. One is the Batman: a huge inverted (yep, upside down on this one) steel roller coaster. Another one is the Ninja. Six Flags calls this the black belt of roller coasters, it has a double corkscrew among other things. My daughter's favorite roller coaster is the Boss. It is a 122 foot tall wooden roller coaster featuring a 150 foot first drop, and a 570 degree helix. She says this is an awesome ride! It isn't in the Back Lot area though.

If you want to ride a water ride, but forgot your swim wear, you can ride the Thunder River, which is a white water rapids boat style ride in the main park. You have a good chance of getting soaked on this one. My favorite ride as a kid was Tom's Twister: a centrifugal force ride where the floor actually drops from beneath you leaving you suspended mid air! Other fun things to do include the Speed O'Drome: go carts at additional cost. Must be at least 58" to drive. There is a ride the is similar to a bungee jump, where you are strapped in and launched from a 152' tall tower and free fall about 50' feet before swinging pendulum style. I don't know the particulars on this one, but I think the cost is somewhere in the $25 ranger per person. I have never done it, but it is very cool to watch. A couple of other rides that bear mentioning are the Log Flume, which is a canoe style ride fit for the entire family, and the Mr. Freeze: a roller coaster that runs forward and then in reverse. Not for the faint of heart --this one pulls 4 Gs! There is also the Screamin' Eagle: a 110' tall wooden coaster. This one is good because there is seldom a long line.

One of the two areas for little kids is Looney Tunes Town and the other is Bugs Bunny National Park. Looney Tunes is an older kids play area. There are some rides for preschoolers there. Bugs Bunny National Park is newer. It has rides suitable for little kids, but they are large enough that older siblings or even parents can go on them -- and, yes, enjoy them. There is also a huge climber play area. If you plan a trip to Six Flags St. Louis, be warned that food inside the park is expensive. However, you can leave the park to eat elsewhere and return. My advice is to bring a cooler and leave it in the car though; it is too expensive and too crowded to eat in the park. You can get your hand stamped to leave and re-enter. Some people even bring the little bbq grills and cook out on the grassy areas around the parking lot.

Check out epinions

I have been a writer for epinions for a long time. A product review site, it is my first stopping off place when I am looking to buy something new. I love being able to see the pros and cons of others to help me make up my mind before shopping. It helps me make more informed decisions.

Here is a link to my page:


http://www.epinions.com/user-patricknjacob

Attitude of Gratitude

Attitude of Gratitude. This is one of the catch phrases that is used at therapy. I lost it, as I always do when I am depressed. The attitude is supposed to be one of thankfulness for all of the good things in your life.

When I am depressed, not just sad, but really deep down I-am-not-sure-I-can-make-it-anymore depressed, I lose my attitude of gratitude. I am sure I am not the only person that had felt this way, but when you look at it objectively, it is stinking thinking that puts one in this place. I call it the spiral to hell, because at the bottom of the spiral is a dark place where all of the hurts of the past that I haven’t dealt with just well up and overtake me. It blocks out all of the good in my life until I am so blinded by the trash, that I can’t see anything else.

More trash surfaces, more good is blocked, and before I know it, I am at a place where I don’t see the good. I look at my children and think, “How can I effectively parent when I didn’t have a good model?” I look at my husband and think, “He is so going to leave me when he finds out what I am really like.” I look at my job and think, “It is all a great sham and the children know that I can’t effectively manage them.” You begin to see how stinking thinking because this great all-encompassing fireball.

I get why group therapy works for me. I listen to others talk about their stinking thinking. I can see that their path is not the right one; I can see the good in them. Once I begin to talk to others about their good qualities and the good things in their life, I begin to picture my own, and my attitude of gratitude starts to build. As I sit here typing at 4 something am, surrounded by my still sleeping family, I can see through the fog at the goodness they bring into my life – and how their love and faith can rebuild my Attitude of Gratitude.

Looking at Depression

I am a mental health advocate. According to Wikipedia.com, mental health is described as, “… either a level of cognitive or emotional wellbeing or an absence of a mental disorder. …mental health may include an individual's ability to enjoy life and procure a balance between life activities and efforts to achieve psychological resilience. Using this definition, one could say that mental health is directly related to a person’s happiness. Many people do not want to admit that they have a mental health problem or don’t know where to turn. In addition to discussing my own journey, I will be addressing other aspects of the mental health continuum.

When your mental health is out of balance, you may begin to feel down or depressed. It is not uncommon for people to feel this way on a short term basis. However, when this feeling does not leave or begins to impair day to day function, it becomes more serious. If the level of sadness is such that it does not go away after a period of time, a person is said to be depressed. Again, referring to Wikipedia.com, “Major depressive disorder, also known as major depression, unipolar depression, unipolar disorder, clinical depression, or simply depression, is a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive low mood and loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities.”

It is at this point a person should seek professional help. There is quite a variety in assistance. If you seek help from a therapist, there are many to choose from. Anyone can use the term therapist, so the things to look for are education and references. There are social workers and licensed clinical social workers. A therapist would then have a degree like a masters in social work or psychology. My counselor has a doctorate degree in psychology, and is called Doctor, but has no medical training. His training is all mental health. My psychiatrist is a medical doctor and has advanced education in psychiatry. He, unlike my counselor, can prescribe medication.

Tweak Talk

I have been tweaking the blog a bit. I would love to have comments (which I changed to formatting of how they post) about the blog -- layout, ease of use, what ever is on your mind. I appreciate the reads. If the audience remains so quiet, I don't know if I am hitting targets or not. So tell me, what are you thinking?

REWARDS

Today, as I was driving home from therapy, I was struck by the fact that fall is upon us. I saw lots of lovely leaf colors as the trees begining their annual chameleon dance. This time of year is a perfect time to get outside and explore the wonders of nature. You can rejuvenate your spirit by seeking out an adventure that not only provides you with an greening of our environmen.
I am supposed to be walking 15 to 20 minutes each day. I am not getting done. I am walking more like 5. My goal is 10 every day by the end of the weekend. Tis baby stops I be takin to get mt to my goal.

I appreciate the cup of coffee Erin bout for me through paypal of al things. After therapy today, I enjoyed it. Soetimes, it is just the smallest thing ... like actually having the money for that cup of coffee! Thank you!

Asperger's Syndrome

One of the best online sites that I have found for Asperger's Syndrome is the OASIS site. I was thinking about it this morning while waiting for my turn in the shower. I have used it many, mnay tiumes. I have included the link. If AS affects your life or the life of someone you love, you might want to check this out.

Have a great day!

http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/

Doctor's appointment

I went to the doctor today -- a second opinion. I was originally diagnosed with bursitis, but that was wrong. I have fibromyalgia. That is the bad news. The good news is that some of thesymptoms of my depression might actually be this.

Raikage

Our kitty, Raikage on the day we picked her up in July 2007.

She was 6 weeks old. Patrick picked her out, and she attached

to us also immediately. I wanted a kitty with more gray

coloring, but couldn't turn this precious baby away.

Raikage is Japanese for lightening shadow.

We call her Kage most of the time.

Prounce her name like this: hard k, a sounds like o in cotton, hard g, and e sounds like a long a.

She is just over 1 year in these pictures. The boys found her in Walter's cage.

Therapy, Day 3

Surprisingly, getting ready for therapy and getting there wasn't an ordeal today. I didn't sleep well the previous night, even with taking Ambien CR. I am tired and edgy; I am functioning in a numb mode. I arrive at therapy, log in, and find I am exhausted. I don 't want to participate, but force myself to do so.

I have an epiphany while talking about my issues. I am so used to thinking that I am not worthy, that I don't love myself. How then can I give to anyone else? One of the therapists talks about how loving yourself allows you to give so much more to others. Have I ever been in this place she speaks of? I don't know. I am certainly not there now. I feel I don't have anything to give. It is exhausting to function as a wife and mother, much less do anything else. I have to leave therapy early to take Patrick to a counseling appointment, and I am thrilled when the time rolls around to leave. I am tired of being tired. Therapy hurts -- I have to face issues that I have stuffed down my whole life. I know I have to face these issues. i have to heal. I am growing old. Today is not the day to move forward, and I don't. Today, I just exist.

Therapy, Day 2

Writhing in the pit up my stomach, like there is a demon inside trying to escape by clawing and scraping from the inside out, I walk out to the van at the last possible minute to be able to arrive on time for day 2 of therapy. I don't want to go. I really don't want to go. I blow past the war in my stomach like some pregnant woman about to heave forth her bundle into the universe. I think of every reason I can not to get in the van. My mind is set on heavy duty spin as I pull open the door -- I am sure someone put weights in the door, as it feels 500 pounds heavy. I clamber into the seat, and rest my hands on the wheel thinking, "Maybe if I just skip today." Somehow, as if having a will of their own, my keys find the ignition and light up the engine. My hands are glued to the steering wheel as I maneuver out of the driveway, easing the van into the street.

"Maybe I will get smashed into by some hapless driver. Then I will have a reason for missing therapy," I think to myself. No such luck. I arrive a few minutes later to the parking lot of Anthony House, safe and sound. Rats. Plenty of traffic today, but no one plowed into me. I steel myself, and walk into the building. My heart pounding, my stomach churning, and my head feeling as though it is going to explode, I try to look confident as I walk up to the counter, keys in hand ready to trade for a buzzer, I am greeted by the ever cheerful Tammy with a "You made it back today!"

"Yes, I did." I hand over the keys and receive my buzzer. It is the great summoner to the desk. One might have to see a nurse, a psychiatrist, a counselor, have a phone call, or do paperwork. When mine goes off, my heart beats with a thud, thud against my chest until I find out why I have been summoned. Today, it goes off early. I am still in a morning group. I scoop up my folder and bag, and trot off the desk like the perfect patient. My counselor is waiting for me. We talk about why I am there, my history, and a ton of personal things that may or may not have anything to do with my mental status. I try not to burst into tears, but don't even know why I feel that way. She is, after all, scribbling furiously on the page, clinging to every word like some mooney-eyed high school girl with their first crush. I get gently scolded for not being able to come up with a goal for therapy. Not feeling like shit is not a goal. I promise I will contemplate my lack of goalage as I leave the room.

I also get buzzed out for paperwork, to see the nurse, and to see the psychiatrist. The psych reminds me of Doogie Howser, because he looks way too young to be in his position. He refers to his wall of degrees and certifications as proof of his abilities. I like him. I like his honesty and his forthright manner. He doesn't talk down to me, and I appreciate that. I find him witty and really on top of things. Not once does he make me feel inferior or worthless -- both things that I have felt with mental health professionals before. He allows me to be present for his dictation of the chart of the visit -- somehow, in my mixed-up mind, validating that he sees me as a person, and not just some thing to be medicated and swept out the door. He talks 90 miles a minute, and apologizes for the fact that he is speeding things along. He is running behind on this day. (Imagine that.) He suggests a medication addition and a dose change. I agree with him. I will try almost anything to free myself from this darkness that engulfs me, and threatens to drain my very life force.

My day passes in a blur of faces and stories. It is time to leave before I know it. I am glad. The big point for me to ponder today: one of the other patients said that if we (mental illness patients) had been diagnosed with bone cancer instead of mental illness, that we wouldn't hesitate to inquire about the best treatments, look for the best doctors, and try to locate the specific hospital that specializes in the type of care required, but most people try to deal with depression and other mental illness on their own, they are afraid and embarrassed to tell other people what they are going through, and generally feel put down by society. Why is that?

On Meet the Press

I am so excited this morning. Colin Powell, a man that I both respect and admire, has officially endorsed Barack Obama. The interesting part of the interview with Powell is that he was very respectful of his friend, John McCain. Powell said that he is not supportive of MCain's choice of vice-presidential candidates.

On another note, Obama drew 100,000 here in St. Louis yesterday. I really wanted to go, but am glad I didn't. I think the crowd would have overwhelmed me. I might be kicking myself for this decision later.

Gracie

This is our Gracie. She was a German Spitz. A wonderful, sweet natured little dog. At almost 12 years old, she got quite ill this summer, and we had to put her down. We miss her terribly.A lap dog, her only goal in life was to be cuddled. She would allow anyone to hold and pet her. She is sleeping in the living room in this photo, but someone's lap was really her favorite place to snooze.

Such a sweet face. I think she loved Patrick most of all, and he loved her. He keeps a framed photo of her in his room.

When not on someone's lap, this was Gracie's favorite place in the house. The floor is tile directly in front of the door and always cool. Gracie, much like me, was always hot.

Walter

For those who were wondering, the dog in the photo is my Walter. I adopted him from a dog rescue agency. Walter had been hit by a automobile as a puppy, and lost his left front leg. He is a wonderful dog for my family, but not hugely social with outsiders.

Therapy, Day 1

As I stood at the desk signing in, I felt such a rush of emotion. It has difficult not to leave. The failure that I felt, and feel, at not being able to deal with my depression can be consuming, so that I don't think of anything else. It is hard to keep the focus on wellness when I have been mired in this for so long.

I don't know that someone who has not battled with depression can fully understand how it can take over one's life. It is always there, a gray shroud that veils all aspects of me and everything I do. It is in my head, making it feel heavy and hurt. The constant throb in my temples. The aches of my body that feel always as if I am either just getting over or just coming down with a flu like bug.

I digress. Standing at the counter again, these few years later than last, make me feel as though I am a small child, at the teachers desk, asking for help with something that I should already know how to do. As the staff ask the perfunctory questions, I hang my head, and talk, I realize later, in a small voice. I just want this part ot be over with. After completing some paperwork, a staff member sits with me to discuss the intake process. They call the program partial hospitalization.

After that process is concluded, I am directed the first of many classrooms, or groups. It is these where, with direction of staff, I hope to work out the demons that keep me from the feelings that "those on the other side" feel. I am guessing those are happiness and a meaning for life -- neither of which I feel now. I am just existing, sucking up time and space. I attend classes on self esteem and enjoyment. One doesn't choose what classes you go to, the staff chooses for you. There was some grumbling among the other attendees that they had been involuntarily switched out of relaxation. I am checking my list; I don't want to go to that class, and am thrilled to find that it isn't circled. I am pulled out a session to talk to the nurse. She takes my temperature and blood pressure, making a comment about how they get the all of the older things, and apologizing for the thermometer. I didn't understand her comment that "the big house gets all of the newest equipment and rightly so."
Does that mean that a patient at Anthony House is any less deserving? I don't think that is what she meant, but it is obvious that some of the people in the system feel that we are. It is the oldest and least updated building on a multi-million dollar health care facility campus. Perhaps it is because society typically turns a cold shoulder to those things it doesn't fully understand. The nurse was nice enough, taking time to explain and to listen. For the first time in a while, it feels good to have someone really listen to me, knowing fully that her only agenda is to make me well. She encourages me to do things that I have given up on, and we make a deal that I will get out to go for a walk. "It will help you, and you will feel so much better." For some reason, I trust her and agree. We finish and she sends me off to the next session.


Somewhere along the line, I am asked what was my best day and what was my worst day. I couldn't tell them. I am so mired down in the now -- I can't remember a best day, and so many, many seem to be the worst. Another patient says, "I have a hard time accepting anything positive {about myself}. I feel that if people could only see what I see, if they could just look inside my head, they wouldn't say those things." Heads around the room bob in agreement. At the end of the day, I have to create a goal, I get to go last because I am the newbie. I copy someone else's because I can't think of a goal at that point. I am on overload. However, being able to reflect back over the day makes me realize that I want to get to a point where I feel as though I am not just being. I am hopeful.