Friday's attitude of gratitude

My attitude of gratitude: I am so thankful for my friend Cathy. Although we don't often see each other, she is so supportive of me. She has always been a positive force in my life. There are people at therapy that claim to not have friends; I am so lucky.

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What on my Mind, 11/19/08

I haven't been posting about therapy as I originally intended to. I have allowed life to get in the way of what I want to do, which is writing. No matter the form, I want to write.

So here is a catch up: since lat Thursday, I have only attended therapy for 1 and 1/2 days. I attended partially on Thursday of last week. My fibromyalgia, for which I blame every ache and pain on, was in full swing. I did intend to initially stay the entire day, but the pain got the best of me, and I left half way through the day. I went home and took medication, which promptly made me so tired, I didn't feel like doing anything. On Friday, I felt awful and didn't even attempt to go to therapy.; I called in sick for that day.

I did go on Monday, but to be truthful, I didn't get much out of it. My pain levels were too high for me to focus on what they were saying and doing. So here it is Wednesday, and I was at the Clayton Sleep Lab. I did my sleep study last night. I thought I was going to be evaluated for a nap study, but found out that I have sleep apnea primarily during REM sleep, and need a C-Pap machine to allow for oxygen flow. I have already called off Therapy, so I am not going. I have a lot of things I want to do today at home.

We will see together what the next therapy session brings. I am hoping for a reduction pf days. I may demand the reduction of days attended. I need t he time, and I can honestly say that I am not getting as much from daily treatment as I was in the beginning. I believe that three times per week sessions would better serve my needs.

I am at home, Jacob is at school, Patrick is at Edgewood, and Mark is at work. I plan to get several pieces of writing done. Yesterday, I mailed out a manuscript for a contest. I think I might mail it out to a couple of other places to see if I can't get it published. I plan to work on some reviews and my books. Sounds like a great day, doesn't it?

Finally, my sttitude of gratitude: I am grateful for the leaves all over the place. I needed their beauty when they changed colors a week or so ago.

My anniversary

Mark and I have been married for 15 years today. I am so happy to be with him. If people really get a soul mate, then he is mine. It took me a long time to realize that.

I am reading Finding Your Way Home by Melody Beattie. One of the activities is a soul searching mission. Some of the questions she poses made me stop and think.
If you weren't afraid to try, what would you be doing, and who would you be doing it with? What are you trying to get more and more of that doesn't make you happy - no mater how much or how little of it you get? What have you adapted and adapted to until you feel there's almost none of you left to compromise? If you were living from a base of faith instead of fear, how would that change your life?

Well, I thought about these questions. I would try to be a writer full time if I weren't afraid, but I am writing, and I am pushing the fear aside. About what I am trying to get more and more of -- the obvious answer is money, but I don't think that is the real answer for me. I think I am trying to get more and more attention, and it isn't making me happy. I just need to do what does make me happy and that is writing. Even if what I am writing is trash. I have adapted to the work force -- teaching mainstream education in public schools. I don't think I have anything left to give to any of the people at my school. At least, not right now. And as for the faith question -- how much more can I live by faith? I am not drawing any kind of paycheck. I am just trusting faith that I am taking the right path and that things are going to work out for me -- and my family. I wouldn't be putting everything that Mark and I have worked the last 15 years for otherwise. I do understand what I am doing.

That said, my attitude of gratitude for today is that I have my Mark. He is such a good husband and friend.

Fibromyalgia

My Fibro is in the worst flare up since I was diagnosed. I hurt so bad that I am contemplating going to the ER for relief. I can abrely stand it. It hurts to sit, to lay, to move. I hate that I feel helpless.