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On Mel's Mind, Saturday, November 29th

I haven't posted for a couple of days. Been busy. On Thanksgiving, I made our traditional family meal of Lasagna. My boys loved it. Funny thing is that I don't like red sauce foods very much, but I did eat some. We had a pretty good day. The cherry pie I made was gone in one day, so I bought the things to make another. Not that we need it, mind you, but I wanted more than what I got! I also am going to make a pumpkin pie -- another food item that I don't like at all. but will make because my family likes it. Fortunately for me, I am a good cook. It is a lot cheaper to make items yourself than to purchase them pre-made.

Yesterday was my last day of intensive day treatment. I don't know how I feel about that yet. I do have therapy scheduled -- I think it is going to be a weekly thing for me, and I am attending Coda meetings. I also think I am going to go to an Al Anon meeting and perhaps therapy for victims of incest in order to more fully heal that process.

On Mel's Mind

Ugh -- awful morning. Patrick fought and fought about going to therapy today. We had loud voices and tears. It was an awful way to begin the morning. I checked and he missed his meds last night. I think a big part of his problem is that his brother gets to be at home this morning, because he is on Thanksgiving break. I don’t know what to do when he gets in a mood like that. He just so needs to learn how to deal with everything. If anyone has ideas, please either leave a comment or email me at patricknjacob@aol.com. Thanks so much for your support.

yay for friends

A big THANK YOU to my friend Cathy for her gift! It came just at the perfect time. Cathy is so generous and full of love -- it is just overwhelming! I am so blessed.

Me? Codependent???

I have started attending a Codependents Anonymous (CoDa) group. While I am still not sure if this is the place for me, I know that I have to work on things outside of the Intensive Outpatient Therapy sessions that I have been attending. I need the support of a safe place to deal with my problems, and one of them is being codependent. For those of you who aren’t familiar with co-dependency, it is a term applied to people who in simple terminology, take care of everyone around them, but fail to take care of themselves.

At the first CoDa meeting that I attend as a part of St. Anthony’s outreach programs, a new member is given a packet the first session. In it is this definition of Codependence.

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependence and may aid those who have been in recovery a while in determining what traits still needs (sic) attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as “never good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise of gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.’
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interest (sic) and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of that the “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advise and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

In the CoDa support group I attended last night, ten positive affirmations about ones’ self was talked about. So instead of trying to do a daily attitude of gratitude, I am going to work on ten daily positive affirmations about myself.

I got up and showered.
I offered and took the boys to school.
I worked on laundry.
I didn’t lie and say that I felt good when I didn’t.
I got the boys up and motivated to get ready for school.
I am writing before I work on anything else, including only fun things.
I am smart.
I am working on self.
I am trying not to control the people in my house.
I fed the animals this morning.

I thought that putting down 10 affirmations would be easy, but it was really difficult. Even starting was difficult. I recommend that assignment for any one who is wishing to raise their self esteem. I am hoping that it becomes easier as the days go by.

If anyone wants information on CoDa or the meetings, you can email me at patricknjacob@aol.com. I will be happy to share information with you.

Melody Beattie and me

I am reading a lot lately. I particularly am focused on the works of Melody Beattie. In her her bookFind Your Way Home: a Soul Survival Kit, she talks about, among other things, the beginnings and endings of thins in our lives. I relate this especially to jobs.

"Ending and rebirth - new beginnings - are an ongoing part of life. ... Learn to recognize when the lesson is learned and our time with a parson or in a particular place is over. Then pack your bags and leave. Get all the pieces and spiritual insights that you went there to learn. Ask. You'll receive all the help that you need. ... Finish your business in each situation, so you won't have to go back there again. ... Sometimes when we believe lies long enough, we forget that we really know the truth."

I recommend everyone reading at least one of her books. There are portions of this book that I felt I knew already or really didn't apply to me, but the vast majority of it does apply. Don't forget her name - Melody Beatie. You can check out her website; here's a link: http://www.melodybeattie.com/

Jacob, Shut Up

We hear Jacob, shut up a lot in our house. Jacob is our noise maker. He likes toys that make noise, and, quite often, he likes the sound of his own voice. If things get quite in the house, Jacob starts talking. Sometimes it is just endless and mindless vocalizations. Often, it frustrates his brother. Hence, Jacob, shut up.

We discourage Patrick from using those words with his brother, but I do remember what it was like to be 14. I didn't have a younger sister nagging me, but I had older sibs, and a lot of them. I don't always agree with them, and, quite frankly, wish I had the courage to say shut up sometimes.

My attitude of gratitude today is that I have wonderful hearing, and the boys that make me cringe when I hear unnesessary things fly out of their mouths. I am also gratful for my own siblings, even when unnecessary things fly out of their mouths too.