I don't feel well. I don't know if it is fibromyalgia, the flu again, or just whatever. It makes me cranky, and I hate it . It causes me to push people away, because just having them nearby irritates me. I am very unpleasant to be around. I try to explain this to my family.
I try to explain this to Jacob, who stays close to my side lately. I am sitting on the bed after calling my rhumetologist. I don't get the answers that I want from him. Perhaps because there are no answers. My temper flares a bit at his suggestion to go to the emergency room, when I clearly stated that I cannot afford to do so. He says that they would only give me more narcotics to ease the pain. I know from experience that if I can get on top of my pain -- even for just a few minutes, I can handle it so much better.
So -- back to Jacob. He is being silly in my room trying to be silly and make me feel better. I try to explain as nicely as I can that I don't feel well, and his antics are just annoying me. Perhaps there is no good way to say it. Jacob keeps fining reasons to be in here, each time though I am getting more frustrated with him. What I want to do is yell as loud as I can for everyone to get the fuck away from me until I can come to terms with this pain. I don't. I know how words can hurt. I finally tell Jacob that he has to leave -- he seems to understand that he is annoying me -- from the other 5 times I have ask him to stop -- explaining how his silliness on my bed is getting under my skin.
He leaves -- although he clearly doesn't want to. He goes outside. I feel emotionally horrible. He just loves me and wants to make me happy. It is a hard thing for both of us. I don't know how other people deal with situations like this. I am so open to suggestions. I try so stay welcoming to my children even though I don't feel that way under my skin. I love them and know that they only want to express love back. It is me that I have to change -- I want no wedges between us.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
This Is It
I stayed up until midnight last night in order to purchase tickets for me and Jacob to attend This Is It. The movie isn't going to hit until next month, but the tickets were released last night. I am really happy that I was able to get the tickets. Jacob and I both are Michael Jackson fans.
I still can't get over the fact that he is not here any longer. There are a lot of other celebrities that have passed also, but none have affected me in the way that this death has. I have been listening to his music, and found a lot that I wasn't even aware of. It is moving and profound -- he had a great desire to do things to make this world a better place. I am saddened that so much negative press clouded his last few years. In fact, the first alleged victim of sexual abuse retracted his statement last night. Said he couldn't live with the fact that it was all a lie created by his father. $22 million by Michael to settle out of court, and that led the way for another person to bring charges against him. Makes me sick to my stomach that people can use someone like that. It is so wrong.
There are many thing that are wrong with our society. Perhaps that is what I am agonizing over. I know others believe allegations brought against Mr. Jackson, but I surely don't. If you read the transcripts of the second court case, it is full of holes. I can't believe that there are people that are so -- just so evil that they could even think of torturing and vilifying another person, but that is what was done to Michael Jackson.
Now that he is dead, people are scampering all over to make a profit off his death. I thought long and hard before deciding to purchase tickets to the documentary/movie. I am going simply because I want to see for myself the videos of his last weeks -- I think being able to see inside his head -- watching how he creates the whole mystique ... Well, I think he is brilliant, and I want to see inside of that world. It is something that he seldom let fans see. At the same time, I don't think this is trodding on his memory as some others fave chosen to do.
I have also been thinking what his world must have been like. How someone who seems to have so much could really just have so little. He was insecure, didn't trust people because he had been taken advantage of over and over. He was an abused child -- I can so relate to that, and how that misery can shape your life when you are an adult.
I still can't get over the fact that he is not here any longer. There are a lot of other celebrities that have passed also, but none have affected me in the way that this death has. I have been listening to his music, and found a lot that I wasn't even aware of. It is moving and profound -- he had a great desire to do things to make this world a better place. I am saddened that so much negative press clouded his last few years. In fact, the first alleged victim of sexual abuse retracted his statement last night. Said he couldn't live with the fact that it was all a lie created by his father. $22 million by Michael to settle out of court, and that led the way for another person to bring charges against him. Makes me sick to my stomach that people can use someone like that. It is so wrong.
There are many thing that are wrong with our society. Perhaps that is what I am agonizing over. I know others believe allegations brought against Mr. Jackson, but I surely don't. If you read the transcripts of the second court case, it is full of holes. I can't believe that there are people that are so -- just so evil that they could even think of torturing and vilifying another person, but that is what was done to Michael Jackson.
Now that he is dead, people are scampering all over to make a profit off his death. I thought long and hard before deciding to purchase tickets to the documentary/movie. I am going simply because I want to see for myself the videos of his last weeks -- I think being able to see inside his head -- watching how he creates the whole mystique ... Well, I think he is brilliant, and I want to see inside of that world. It is something that he seldom let fans see. At the same time, I don't think this is trodding on his memory as some others fave chosen to do.
I have also been thinking what his world must have been like. How someone who seems to have so much could really just have so little. He was insecure, didn't trust people because he had been taken advantage of over and over. He was an abused child -- I can so relate to that, and how that misery can shape your life when you are an adult.
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