Along with D comes S

Infidelity stinks. Separation is hard. Divorce makes me feel as though I have been sucker punched.

I don't know how I got to this place. How did I not see this coming? I keep playing the last 17 years of my life over and over like a broken record. I was promised that if ever the love left, I would be told. A new connection was made months ago, and when I questioned it, I was belittled.

I hate life at the moment. I have learned that I must keep myself together for the children even though what I really want to do is curl up and die.

Is religion and faith the answer? My family seems to think so; my family of origin that is, because I no longer have a family that was created through love shared with a mate. That was stripped away with one fell swoop.

I'm sorry rings hollow, because what is really meant is I am sorry I got caught cheating. As I said -- infidelity stinks.

Facing the big D

It is so hard for me -- this big divorce thing. I still don't understand how the person I knew and loved so much can turn into this person that is here now. Although the bodies are the same, that is the only similarity. And while this saddens me and shakes me to my core, I am finally resigned that the person that I am so in love with no longer exists. Perhaps it has to be this way for me to deal with the process.

I have tried other ways, and it almost killed me. My sister reminded me that I have to survive for my boys, and that showing them that I can survive, even when the heart doesn't want to, teaches them that even the hardest and steepest of obstacles can be overcome. There are moments that I believe I can't make it, but I have surrounded myself with powerful people. Their love and encouragement keep me focused on the most important thing -- the boys. They also are helping me to find a spiritual path that I have long been off of.

Life in the midst of a broken heart

I am done bashing. I am done with temper tantrums. I have to move forward or die. I know that now. It is possible to live with a broken heart, however much it hurts.

I know a lot of my friends and family read my blog. I am asking each of you to not create any more mess for me to deal with. If you look, you will see that I removed a couple of entries. I won't be the reason to give anyone motive or material to bash my husband, my family, or me. I still love my husband. I would take him back in a flash, but the truth is he doesn't want to be with me.