Mel's Mind Dec 5

Hmm, I am not even sure that if it is really Dec 5, but I think so. I will have to check that and get back. On my mind today is bipolar disorder and behavioral issues. How does a person decide when the line is crossed from behavioral to the actual disorder. Case on point: A 14 year old with bipolar is having school avoidance issues. He went to an intensive outpatient program for three weeks. On week passes and the child is still having the same issues that put him in the outpatient program. He goes to a therapist who recommends 1/2 days at school. Question: Is this a manifestation of his illness or is it a behavioral issues that has nothing to do with the illness? Where is the line and how does one know if it has indeed been crossed?

Daily Affiramations for December 3

1. I got powerful sleep last night.
2. I got out of bed before the alarm went off, and I wasn't cranky.
3. I ate a nutritious breakfast.
4. I asked the children what they wanted for breakfast and made it even though my body hurts.
5. I am planning to reopen my day care, which is something I love to do.
6. I am smart.
7. I went to one on one therapy yesterday even though I didn't really want to.
8. I was honest with the therapist, even though I didn't want to be.
9. I am well educated.
10. I will succeed.

Mel's Mind, Dec 3

I am so tired this evening. I'm sure it is the fibro. Just trying to stay awake long enough for kids to do homework. We have tag teamed Patrick's work. Even Jacob helped him tonight. Blessings all around on the math homework for Patrick. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I must go lie down for a bit.

Daily Affiramations for December 2

1. I am stong enough to ask for help.
2. I am smart enough to ask for help.
3. I got out of bed to check on my son when he woke up at 4 am.
4. I am a good mom.
5. I try to be a good wife.
6. I am well educated.
7. I do daily affirmations to help my self esteem grow.
8. I am share my feelings in hopes that someone else may learn from them.
9. I am a good pet owner.
10. I am loyal.

Dream from a couple of days ago

My Dream tonight was so vivid that it woke me up. I was dreaming about my dad’s house. It was his house, but different. He still lived with Betty, but I couldn’t remember her name in the dream. The living room was like a store. I didn’t realize it when I first went in, but later when I had fallen asleep, and was awakened by Mark, only it wasn’t Mark. It was my friend, Skip, with some features of Mark.

I walked through the house and was amazed at what I found. There was wall to wall clutter, so much worse than my house ever has been. I told Mark/Skip that I couldn’t wait to get rid of the clutter because I felt it was overwhelming. Betty had a bunch of makeup and mail polish on the table, so I was cleaning it up after we had woken up in the middle of the night. There was a ton of nail polish in the makeup. There was some foundation on the edge of the table that was uncapped but empty. I threw that bottle away, but it was a big deal for me to make that decision.

I was showing Mark/Skip how full everything was stocked, so I took him out to the garage to show him the deep freeze. It was then that I saw an addition to the house. There was a huge professional kitchen. There was also a storage part of my mom’s craft things, only it was full of quilts that my grandmother had made.

Then I woke up. Any interpretations?

On Mel's Mind, Dec 1

Perhaps I am on the pitty pot this morning. I don't feel strong enough to go to work, so I told my psychiatrist that I am not ready to go back. I blame it on my fibromyalgia, if indeed this is what I have. Is it all created from my mind? I don't know what the next step is. Below is a letter that I wrote to my brother; it is where my mind is this morning -- the first Monday of December.

Dear XXXXX,

I need to talk to someone or tell them how I feel, and you are my pick. I wish Mom was here to talk to, as I think she would best understand what I feel. Perhaps I have done this to myself -- this alone feeling I have. I have so not wanted to burden anyone with what I am going through, thinking, instead that I could do it by myself with the help of the counseling I have been in. The truth is I can't. I need a support system, but I have torn my family away from me -- pushed and prodded until I feel as though I no longer am a part of this group.

I wish my life was different. I wish Dad had been the sort that I have seen on TV, perhaps Ward Cleaver. But he wasn't and isn't. I hate him. I can't believe I spent so many years of my life trying to be the daughter that I thought I should be -- one that would get his attention in a positive way, instead of such ugliness that I had instead.

I am mad at Mom too. How could she have been blind to what went on with him -- and how could she have stayed with him with the things that she did know what was going on. How could she left so early in my life when I need her so much now?

Where do I turn and what do I do now? Melinda

Daily Affiramations

1. I love my husband.
2. I love my children.
3. I am smart.
4. I am powerful.
5. I have control over how I react to the world around me.
6. I worked on my chored today.
7. I worked on my writing today.
8. I got out of bed and got going this morning when I really didn't want to do so.
9. I made breakfast for my children.
10. I read some of my library books, which is helping to expand my mind.

The last day of November

Today is the last day of November, 2008. When I got up this morning, there was a dusting of snow on the ground. It was just enough to create that filmy, frosty look of a fresh winter morning. Never mind that it was all melted off by 10 am. It was that newness that struck me. It made me feel as if it was created just for me.

That is what I need. Newness. I've been working on creating newness around me. I arranged my bedroom a bit different, and have been attacking the daily chores of my house with a different attitude. I am trying to see things more as blessings instead of curses.

What I am still having problems with is my family of origin. My sister called several days ago inquiring about my health and my situation. I told her -- I don't know why, but I spilled my guts to her. Then I found out that she emailed my siblings to tell basically dish dirt on me. That is the very thing I have been trying to prevent all along. I don't know how to deal with it or what to do or should I even do anything at all. The other thing is -- now that they do know, why aren't they stepping up to help me, or offer assistance or anything. Frustrating to say the least.

My attitude of gratitude today is that I can form my own family. I can include those that love me and that I love the most, whether they are my family of origin or not.