Mel's Mind, December 24, 2008

Christmas is almost upon us. Would you believe that I haven't shopped for food yet? I know it is going to be crazy! I am done with gift shopping and have been for some time. That was easy for me this year. One part not enough money and one part crazy early bird got the job done in a timely manner.



Trevor is still saying he is coming to MO to live. I am beginning to think he spoke out of hurt, and really didn't mean it. I think he is staying with his sister right now, but I am not sure.



I must still be tired or something, as I am having real problems with my typing skills this morning. That brain finger connection is not working well.

Merry Christmas eve to everyone. And Sheila and Cathy, I hope your holiday is particularly wonderful.



I had a friend email me, the husband is two years older than me, and the wife is my same age.

Attitude of Gratitude for Monday, December 22

I am so thankful this morning that I have a house to shelter me, because I know there are others that do not have this luxury. It is so cold outside. I may not have much, but I do have shelter.

My daily affirmations:
1. I am smart.
2. I am well-educated.


OK -- so maybe I am having a bit of trouble on the affirmations this morning. Truth is, I know I am smart, but I look like a cow. What I see in the mirror is someone in desperate need of intervention for eating. I have been so fat for so long, I don't even remember what thin felt like. I HAVE to lose weight. My blood pressure is up, I have gained weight instead of lost, I am on so many medications I can't remember what I am taking. I am in the middle of a vortex, and it is sucking me down. I can't go to that place again, but I am not sure how to get out.

Mel's Mind, Sunday, December 21, 2008

I am lying in my bed this afternoon. I have fought all day against pain levels, but it finally got to me. I have a half cleaned kitchen, some laundry done, and a bit cleaned out of my office, which has become the family storage space. It is so cluttered, I can barely walk. Surely we don’t need all of that stuff.

I lost my thumb drive that my two books are on. I can’t imagine what I did with it. It is the one that has all of my original work on it. It will have been missing for one week on Monday. Shame on me, I suppose for not taking better care of things.

I am on so much meds right now that I can‘t stand it. I am high – I feel disjointed from my body – as disconnect. Patrick comes to tell me that he took a nap. Something that I already knew as he fell asleep while watching the television. He wants a connection. Asking me to hold his hand and type with one hand. Athese are the times that I know he wants to be grown, but still feels like a child. Scary for both of us, as I am losing my boy; he is being transformed into a man before my eyes. I don’t like it. I want my children to stay small. The world outside is a scary place. There are so many things that they need to know.

fruit bowl