I don't feel well. I don't know if it is fibromyalgia, the flu again, or just whatever. It makes me cranky, and I hate it . It causes me to push people away, because just having them nearby irritates me. I am very unpleasant to be around. I try to explain this to my family.
I try to explain this to Jacob, who stays close to my side lately. I am sitting on the bed after calling my rhumetologist. I don't get the answers that I want from him. Perhaps because there are no answers. My temper flares a bit at his suggestion to go to the emergency room, when I clearly stated that I cannot afford to do so. He says that they would only give me more narcotics to ease the pain. I know from experience that if I can get on top of my pain -- even for just a few minutes, I can handle it so much better.
So -- back to Jacob. He is being silly in my room trying to be silly and make me feel better. I try to explain as nicely as I can that I don't feel well, and his antics are just annoying me. Perhaps there is no good way to say it. Jacob keeps fining reasons to be in here, each time though I am getting more frustrated with him. What I want to do is yell as loud as I can for everyone to get the fuck away from me until I can come to terms with this pain. I don't. I know how words can hurt. I finally tell Jacob that he has to leave -- he seems to understand that he is annoying me -- from the other 5 times I have ask him to stop -- explaining how his silliness on my bed is getting under my skin.
He leaves -- although he clearly doesn't want to. He goes outside. I feel emotionally horrible. He just loves me and wants to make me happy. It is a hard thing for both of us. I don't know how other people deal with situations like this. I am so open to suggestions. I try so stay welcoming to my children even though I don't feel that way under my skin. I love them and know that they only want to express love back. It is me that I have to change -- I want no wedges between us.
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