Me? Codependent???

I have started attending a Codependents Anonymous (CoDa) group. While I am still not sure if this is the place for me, I know that I have to work on things outside of the Intensive Outpatient Therapy sessions that I have been attending. I need the support of a safe place to deal with my problems, and one of them is being codependent. For those of you who aren’t familiar with co-dependency, it is a term applied to people who in simple terminology, take care of everyone around them, but fail to take care of themselves.

At the first CoDa meeting that I attend as a part of St. Anthony’s outreach programs, a new member is given a packet the first session. In it is this definition of Codependence.

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependence and may aid those who have been in recovery a while in determining what traits still needs (sic) attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as “never good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise of gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.’
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interest (sic) and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of that the “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advise and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

In the CoDa support group I attended last night, ten positive affirmations about ones’ self was talked about. So instead of trying to do a daily attitude of gratitude, I am going to work on ten daily positive affirmations about myself.

I got up and showered.
I offered and took the boys to school.
I worked on laundry.
I didn’t lie and say that I felt good when I didn’t.
I got the boys up and motivated to get ready for school.
I am writing before I work on anything else, including only fun things.
I am smart.
I am working on self.
I am trying not to control the people in my house.
I fed the animals this morning.

I thought that putting down 10 affirmations would be easy, but it was really difficult. Even starting was difficult. I recommend that assignment for any one who is wishing to raise their self esteem. I am hoping that it becomes easier as the days go by.

If anyone wants information on CoDa or the meetings, you can email me at patricknjacob@aol.com. I will be happy to share information with you.