Surprisingly, getting ready for therapy and getting there wasn't an ordeal today. I didn't sleep well the previous night, even with taking Ambien CR. I am tired and edgy; I am functioning in a numb mode. I arrive at therapy, log in, and find I am exhausted. I don 't want to participate, but force myself to do so.
I have an epiphany while talking about my issues. I am so used to thinking that I am not worthy, that I don't love myself. How then can I give to anyone else? One of the therapists talks about how loving yourself allows you to give so much more to others. Have I ever been in this place she speaks of? I don't know. I am certainly not there now. I feel I don't have anything to give. It is exhausting to function as a wife and mother, much less do anything else. I have to leave therapy early to take Patrick to a counseling appointment, and I am thrilled when the time rolls around to leave. I am tired of being tired. Therapy hurts -- I have to face issues that I have stuffed down my whole life. I know I have to face these issues. i have to heal. I am growing old. Today is not the day to move forward, and I don't. Today, I just exist.
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