So many things flitting in and out of my heard. Mark and I went to parent/teacher conferences for Patrick last night. We found out some valuable information, and I made some decisions about what teachers I don't like dealing with. I must say that most of them were very nice and helpful. After years of these things, I took my binder of information; the only thing that was really helpful was the addendum to his IEP. Teacher meetings are always valuable. Absorbing the information provided and deciding which pieces to use are really helpful. I certainly need to blog about these communications. I am very lucky to have been on both sides of the table -- as a teacher and a parent. Very useful 2 1/2 hours.
Next -- Jacob has taken to chewing on things. Much like a teething baby. I am sure it helps him with his OCD and Asperger's, but he chews on things a lot -- and sometimes inappropriate things. He has chewed on electrical cords, tv remotes, cups, plates, toys, paper, his clothes, his book bag, his hands ... you name it, if it is in our house, it has probably been in his mouth. I try to correct when I see him chewing, but I don't seem to be making any headway with him. His face is all broken out -- I am sure to his hands and heaven knows what else always being on his face while chewing. Any ideas on how to curb this?
Michael Jackson -- Jacob and I have tickets reserved for the This Is It movie. We are really looking forward to it. At the same time, I am very sad about how everyone seems to be trying to make a buck off his death.I know that I am saying this while admitting at the same time I am furthering this madness with my movie ticket purchase. I hate that Sony Records, is making so much money off of MJ, when they were so nasty to him while he was alive. I am also unhappy about the people who would not and did not support him while he was alive, but are quick to jump on the bandwagon to dish dirt and hand out posthumous awards. I am thinking the only redeeming thing may be that his children learn how much their father was loved, and although some of the adoration seems false -- they are young enough to believe what they see, and all they will know was that their father was adored by many. I am a fan, and will always be a fan. I am just sad that he died at such a young age.
As for fibromyalgia, it is really bothering me. I am in a big hurt, but nothing seems to help. I surely don't have a clue as to what to do about this. I have gone to therapists, doctors, rhuematologists, neurologists, chiropractors. I seem to be really at a standstill right now -- neither progressing or moving backward. Just being.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
The Elephant in the Room
I don't feel well. I don't know if it is fibromyalgia, the flu again, or just whatever. It makes me cranky, and I hate it . It causes me to push people away, because just having them nearby irritates me. I am very unpleasant to be around. I try to explain this to my family.
I try to explain this to Jacob, who stays close to my side lately. I am sitting on the bed after calling my rhumetologist. I don't get the answers that I want from him. Perhaps because there are no answers. My temper flares a bit at his suggestion to go to the emergency room, when I clearly stated that I cannot afford to do so. He says that they would only give me more narcotics to ease the pain. I know from experience that if I can get on top of my pain -- even for just a few minutes, I can handle it so much better.
So -- back to Jacob. He is being silly in my room trying to be silly and make me feel better. I try to explain as nicely as I can that I don't feel well, and his antics are just annoying me. Perhaps there is no good way to say it. Jacob keeps fining reasons to be in here, each time though I am getting more frustrated with him. What I want to do is yell as loud as I can for everyone to get the fuck away from me until I can come to terms with this pain. I don't. I know how words can hurt. I finally tell Jacob that he has to leave -- he seems to understand that he is annoying me -- from the other 5 times I have ask him to stop -- explaining how his silliness on my bed is getting under my skin.
He leaves -- although he clearly doesn't want to. He goes outside. I feel emotionally horrible. He just loves me and wants to make me happy. It is a hard thing for both of us. I don't know how other people deal with situations like this. I am so open to suggestions. I try so stay welcoming to my children even though I don't feel that way under my skin. I love them and know that they only want to express love back. It is me that I have to change -- I want no wedges between us.
I try to explain this to Jacob, who stays close to my side lately. I am sitting on the bed after calling my rhumetologist. I don't get the answers that I want from him. Perhaps because there are no answers. My temper flares a bit at his suggestion to go to the emergency room, when I clearly stated that I cannot afford to do so. He says that they would only give me more narcotics to ease the pain. I know from experience that if I can get on top of my pain -- even for just a few minutes, I can handle it so much better.
So -- back to Jacob. He is being silly in my room trying to be silly and make me feel better. I try to explain as nicely as I can that I don't feel well, and his antics are just annoying me. Perhaps there is no good way to say it. Jacob keeps fining reasons to be in here, each time though I am getting more frustrated with him. What I want to do is yell as loud as I can for everyone to get the fuck away from me until I can come to terms with this pain. I don't. I know how words can hurt. I finally tell Jacob that he has to leave -- he seems to understand that he is annoying me -- from the other 5 times I have ask him to stop -- explaining how his silliness on my bed is getting under my skin.
He leaves -- although he clearly doesn't want to. He goes outside. I feel emotionally horrible. He just loves me and wants to make me happy. It is a hard thing for both of us. I don't know how other people deal with situations like this. I am so open to suggestions. I try so stay welcoming to my children even though I don't feel that way under my skin. I love them and know that they only want to express love back. It is me that I have to change -- I want no wedges between us.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
This Is It
I stayed up until midnight last night in order to purchase tickets for me and Jacob to attend This Is It. The movie isn't going to hit until next month, but the tickets were released last night. I am really happy that I was able to get the tickets. Jacob and I both are Michael Jackson fans.
I still can't get over the fact that he is not here any longer. There are a lot of other celebrities that have passed also, but none have affected me in the way that this death has. I have been listening to his music, and found a lot that I wasn't even aware of. It is moving and profound -- he had a great desire to do things to make this world a better place. I am saddened that so much negative press clouded his last few years. In fact, the first alleged victim of sexual abuse retracted his statement last night. Said he couldn't live with the fact that it was all a lie created by his father. $22 million by Michael to settle out of court, and that led the way for another person to bring charges against him. Makes me sick to my stomach that people can use someone like that. It is so wrong.
There are many thing that are wrong with our society. Perhaps that is what I am agonizing over. I know others believe allegations brought against Mr. Jackson, but I surely don't. If you read the transcripts of the second court case, it is full of holes. I can't believe that there are people that are so -- just so evil that they could even think of torturing and vilifying another person, but that is what was done to Michael Jackson.
Now that he is dead, people are scampering all over to make a profit off his death. I thought long and hard before deciding to purchase tickets to the documentary/movie. I am going simply because I want to see for myself the videos of his last weeks -- I think being able to see inside his head -- watching how he creates the whole mystique ... Well, I think he is brilliant, and I want to see inside of that world. It is something that he seldom let fans see. At the same time, I don't think this is trodding on his memory as some others fave chosen to do.
I have also been thinking what his world must have been like. How someone who seems to have so much could really just have so little. He was insecure, didn't trust people because he had been taken advantage of over and over. He was an abused child -- I can so relate to that, and how that misery can shape your life when you are an adult.
I still can't get over the fact that he is not here any longer. There are a lot of other celebrities that have passed also, but none have affected me in the way that this death has. I have been listening to his music, and found a lot that I wasn't even aware of. It is moving and profound -- he had a great desire to do things to make this world a better place. I am saddened that so much negative press clouded his last few years. In fact, the first alleged victim of sexual abuse retracted his statement last night. Said he couldn't live with the fact that it was all a lie created by his father. $22 million by Michael to settle out of court, and that led the way for another person to bring charges against him. Makes me sick to my stomach that people can use someone like that. It is so wrong.
There are many thing that are wrong with our society. Perhaps that is what I am agonizing over. I know others believe allegations brought against Mr. Jackson, but I surely don't. If you read the transcripts of the second court case, it is full of holes. I can't believe that there are people that are so -- just so evil that they could even think of torturing and vilifying another person, but that is what was done to Michael Jackson.
Now that he is dead, people are scampering all over to make a profit off his death. I thought long and hard before deciding to purchase tickets to the documentary/movie. I am going simply because I want to see for myself the videos of his last weeks -- I think being able to see inside his head -- watching how he creates the whole mystique ... Well, I think he is brilliant, and I want to see inside of that world. It is something that he seldom let fans see. At the same time, I don't think this is trodding on his memory as some others fave chosen to do.
I have also been thinking what his world must have been like. How someone who seems to have so much could really just have so little. He was insecure, didn't trust people because he had been taken advantage of over and over. He was an abused child -- I can so relate to that, and how that misery can shape your life when you are an adult.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
revalations
Patrick Swayze passed away yesterday. I am sad about that. He seemed to be such a kind soul -- staying out of the fray of mainstream Hollywood. I can't ever recall him saying anything negative -- not one thing. I am sure he did, but he kept himself somehow apart from the Hollywood circus. Perhaps a gentleman and a gentle man. He hadn't even reached 60, but somehow I get the feeling that he felt as ease with his passing -- not leaving behind a trail of life unlived or things undone. Speedy passage to him.
Other notables have passed recently also. Farrah Fawcett -- she railed against the cancer that eventually took her. She was older than Mr. Swayze, but I feel as if she fought so hard perhaps because of her son. As a mother of my own troubled children, I know that she could not have passed easily knowing that her son had yet again fallen prey to his addictions. Redmond is lucky to have his father still, but Ryan battles his own demons.
Walter Cronkite -- there was a man who lived life fully. Although we may miss him, there doesn't seem to be a trail of things left undone or messes that need to be cleaned in order for him to pass easily.
Items left undone and messes to be cleaned. Little children left without their father. Hundreds of cast and crew members plus an entourage left suddenly and unexpectedly without a job. That is just a part of what Michael Jackson left behind when he was murdered.
As a parent, I feel for all children when their parents pass, but it is somewhat more comforting when the children are grown and have a set of coping skills to deal with the loss. This isn't the case of Paris, Prince, and Blanket. Stories flow over the internet of Blanket not understanding his father's death, and crying each night asking for his Daddy.
I know this isn't the only case of children left suddenly without the presence of parents, but it is full force in your face, and it leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach. These children who have been in the spotlight since birth, have been thrust into another world. While the measures their father took to protect them from the circus that he lived in as a child may seem extreme or strange to us, I am know that protective nature that can overwhelm a parent in an attempt to keep their child safe.
Last night on the news, there was a video feed of a child being beaten on a bus -- and the cheering throng of students egging it on. No bus driver was seen in the clip. Where was that adult that was supposed to protect the child? What kind of sick society do we still live in that allows for that type of behavior. If you watch the video closely, there appears to be one child in the back of the bus filming the incident on his phone. There are other children cheering and clapping, and yet other children engaging in the fight -- seemingly taking turns.
The newscaster said that the fight was racially motivated. Whatever the reason for the altercation, it only spreads light on the problems of our youth. Our society has slid so sideways that children think this is acceptable behavior; that it is a circus for them to enjoy. Such as with the death of Michael Jackson -- his family and friends were not allowed to mourn -- it was a circus with media coverage of each tear shed. What has happened to us to make us so callous to the feelings of others -- and for those of us who sit on the sidelines watching it all unfold like some type of voyeur allowed a peak into the soul of others.
I do not claim to understand or know what the answer or answers are. What I know is that we have allowed extreme behavior to become the norm for our society. We flock to the television to watch reality shows and eagerly climb into the fray instead of trying to correct what is wrong. We must begin to civilize our society. Take joy in the happiness of others; fight back when something is wrong; give instead of take; and begin to take back the civilized society that is slipping away from us all.
Other notables have passed recently also. Farrah Fawcett -- she railed against the cancer that eventually took her. She was older than Mr. Swayze, but I feel as if she fought so hard perhaps because of her son. As a mother of my own troubled children, I know that she could not have passed easily knowing that her son had yet again fallen prey to his addictions. Redmond is lucky to have his father still, but Ryan battles his own demons.
Walter Cronkite -- there was a man who lived life fully. Although we may miss him, there doesn't seem to be a trail of things left undone or messes that need to be cleaned in order for him to pass easily.
Items left undone and messes to be cleaned. Little children left without their father. Hundreds of cast and crew members plus an entourage left suddenly and unexpectedly without a job. That is just a part of what Michael Jackson left behind when he was murdered.
As a parent, I feel for all children when their parents pass, but it is somewhat more comforting when the children are grown and have a set of coping skills to deal with the loss. This isn't the case of Paris, Prince, and Blanket. Stories flow over the internet of Blanket not understanding his father's death, and crying each night asking for his Daddy.
I know this isn't the only case of children left suddenly without the presence of parents, but it is full force in your face, and it leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach. These children who have been in the spotlight since birth, have been thrust into another world. While the measures their father took to protect them from the circus that he lived in as a child may seem extreme or strange to us, I am know that protective nature that can overwhelm a parent in an attempt to keep their child safe.
Last night on the news, there was a video feed of a child being beaten on a bus -- and the cheering throng of students egging it on. No bus driver was seen in the clip. Where was that adult that was supposed to protect the child? What kind of sick society do we still live in that allows for that type of behavior. If you watch the video closely, there appears to be one child in the back of the bus filming the incident on his phone. There are other children cheering and clapping, and yet other children engaging in the fight -- seemingly taking turns.
The newscaster said that the fight was racially motivated. Whatever the reason for the altercation, it only spreads light on the problems of our youth. Our society has slid so sideways that children think this is acceptable behavior; that it is a circus for them to enjoy. Such as with the death of Michael Jackson -- his family and friends were not allowed to mourn -- it was a circus with media coverage of each tear shed. What has happened to us to make us so callous to the feelings of others -- and for those of us who sit on the sidelines watching it all unfold like some type of voyeur allowed a peak into the soul of others.
I do not claim to understand or know what the answer or answers are. What I know is that we have allowed extreme behavior to become the norm for our society. We flock to the television to watch reality shows and eagerly climb into the fray instead of trying to correct what is wrong. We must begin to civilize our society. Take joy in the happiness of others; fight back when something is wrong; give instead of take; and begin to take back the civilized society that is slipping away from us all.
Friday, September 11, 2009
9/11 and other things
Lots of things today. First -- 9/11/01 -- unless you are a child, most likely you remember the events of that tragic day. We all have our memories; I was doing day care when Mark called me to tell me to turn the TV on. It was horrible. I called him later because I was in a panic. I wanted my boys with me, so he went to their school to get them and bring them to me. I honestly thought the whole country was going to be targeted, and I thought St. Louis would be a likely choice. I wanted my family close.
I have put a link to The Falling Man. It will make you think -- I do have to warn you that there are some gut wrenching things in the video (it is also a book, by the way -- of the same name). Very thought provoking.
Second -- I am tired of being broke. Today, Patrick called me from school and asked that I bring him $1. (He takes a bit of money every day to buy a slice of cheese for his sandwich.) I had to tell him no. It hurt. I know he will be fine, but it really bothers me that I have to be so cost conscious. I don't have much gas in my car, so I am saving it. In addition, I really don't have the money to give to him. It is just the little things like this that make me sick to my stomach. I am 46 years old, and I just don't think life should be this gut wrenching.
I know there are a ton of people that have it worse. I do count my blessings. I guess I just don't like to have to tell my kids no, especially when it shouldn't be a big thing.
I have a friend that has been helping me out by sending food and household items to me. I recieved a box yesterday and realized that I am out of places to store the food. I am grateful that I know such a kind and giving person; I did tell her that I have run out of storage room. At any rate, I decided to give back to the food pantry that helped me out several times when there wasn't enough food to last all month. So I went through my pantry and took out items that I already had several of or that I thought would not be consumed. Three bags -- my boys helped me and we just took it in and handed it to them. It did feel good to be able to give back just a bit, and I think the boys were proud to help out too. Now, if only I could figure out a way to turn good deeds into money! That isn't really how I feel -- good deeds are done for the sake of being charitable.
I will stop here for now. I have some cleaning that I need to get done before I have to pick up my boys today. I do hope that the video is watched and that time is set saside, if only for a moment, to remember that we have our freedoms at the expense of others.
I have put a link to The Falling Man. It will make you think -- I do have to warn you that there are some gut wrenching things in the video (it is also a book, by the way -- of the same name). Very thought provoking.
Second -- I am tired of being broke. Today, Patrick called me from school and asked that I bring him $1. (He takes a bit of money every day to buy a slice of cheese for his sandwich.) I had to tell him no. It hurt. I know he will be fine, but it really bothers me that I have to be so cost conscious. I don't have much gas in my car, so I am saving it. In addition, I really don't have the money to give to him. It is just the little things like this that make me sick to my stomach. I am 46 years old, and I just don't think life should be this gut wrenching.
I know there are a ton of people that have it worse. I do count my blessings. I guess I just don't like to have to tell my kids no, especially when it shouldn't be a big thing.
I have a friend that has been helping me out by sending food and household items to me. I recieved a box yesterday and realized that I am out of places to store the food. I am grateful that I know such a kind and giving person; I did tell her that I have run out of storage room. At any rate, I decided to give back to the food pantry that helped me out several times when there wasn't enough food to last all month. So I went through my pantry and took out items that I already had several of or that I thought would not be consumed. Three bags -- my boys helped me and we just took it in and handed it to them. It did feel good to be able to give back just a bit, and I think the boys were proud to help out too. Now, if only I could figure out a way to turn good deeds into money! That isn't really how I feel -- good deeds are done for the sake of being charitable.
I will stop here for now. I have some cleaning that I need to get done before I have to pick up my boys today. I do hope that the video is watched and that time is set saside, if only for a moment, to remember that we have our freedoms at the expense of others.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Health Care Reform
I am an Obama supporter. I think his heath care initiatives are on the right track. I believe it is important for all Americans to have access to health care. I know personally how one's health can make or break a family. I am one of those families that are in financial ruin because of poor health.
I agree that there shouldn't be caps on health insurance. If someone becomes terribly ill, like my own beloved aunt for example, it can eventually tear everything she had worked for her entire life, away from her.
I like what I am hearing. I like that everyone will have access to health care. I like that health insurance companies will be held accountable for dropping consumers when they become high risk. I like that insurance companies would not be allowed to refuse policies for those with pre-existing conditions.
I especially like that he wants to reform the system that doesn't allow care for the poorest of our country. We, as a people, have a responsibility to those who cannot provide for themselves, whether that involves health care or any other expenses.
I also like that he is looking at waste in health care -- and in business in general. I agree that the spending on health care should not increase our country's deficit. We have created monsters that lurk around the corner with our present health care.
I agree that there shouldn't be caps on health insurance. If someone becomes terribly ill, like my own beloved aunt for example, it can eventually tear everything she had worked for her entire life, away from her.
I like what I am hearing. I like that everyone will have access to health care. I like that health insurance companies will be held accountable for dropping consumers when they become high risk. I like that insurance companies would not be allowed to refuse policies for those with pre-existing conditions.
I especially like that he wants to reform the system that doesn't allow care for the poorest of our country. We, as a people, have a responsibility to those who cannot provide for themselves, whether that involves health care or any other expenses.
I also like that he is looking at waste in health care -- and in business in general. I agree that the spending on health care should not increase our country's deficit. We have created monsters that lurk around the corner with our present health care.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Michael Jackson
Michale Jackson was finally laid to rest last night. His body is in a mausoleum that is not open to the public. I am sure that is the best thing for his family; they can go to see him without being troubles with throngs of adoring fans.
I still am having a hard time accepting that he is really gone. It isn't that I am such a fan -- I mean, I am, but -- as I have said before -- his presence has always been in the background of my life -- ever since I can remember. As a child, there was Michael and the Jackson 5. When I was in college, he was just embarking on his solo career -- and he was a hit in the dorm that I lived in. From then on, there was his music -- his dance moves -- his is energy -- his life, running consistently in the background. No matter what I was going through -- there he was. And that has always been the case.
Now he is gone. The last part of my youth is gone. There will never be a smash concert series by him or any chance to see him perform live. Wasted chances that I always thought I would be able to change -- many of them are gone. I need to face my life and recognize that there are limited chances. Michael will not be able to see his children grow into adulthood. He won't even be there to help them through pre-teen angst. I ache for his children. I am glad that their father was put to rest last night, so they can move forward. I hope that they someday realize -- even though there were things in his life that I am sure he could change -- don't we all have those though -- Michael Jackson was a larger than life star. He began performing at age 5, and his whole being was creating the music and moves that defined him. As chis children grow up without their father, my generation grows old without our icon. So sad...
I still am having a hard time accepting that he is really gone. It isn't that I am such a fan -- I mean, I am, but -- as I have said before -- his presence has always been in the background of my life -- ever since I can remember. As a child, there was Michael and the Jackson 5. When I was in college, he was just embarking on his solo career -- and he was a hit in the dorm that I lived in. From then on, there was his music -- his dance moves -- his is energy -- his life, running consistently in the background. No matter what I was going through -- there he was. And that has always been the case.
Now he is gone. The last part of my youth is gone. There will never be a smash concert series by him or any chance to see him perform live. Wasted chances that I always thought I would be able to change -- many of them are gone. I need to face my life and recognize that there are limited chances. Michael will not be able to see his children grow into adulthood. He won't even be there to help them through pre-teen angst. I ache for his children. I am glad that their father was put to rest last night, so they can move forward. I hope that they someday realize -- even though there were things in his life that I am sure he could change -- don't we all have those though -- Michael Jackson was a larger than life star. He began performing at age 5, and his whole being was creating the music and moves that defined him. As chis children grow up without their father, my generation grows old without our icon. So sad...
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