In my head

I find that I am having some difficulty sleeping tonight. I am frightened. Tomorrow I am having an MRI done of my brain. It is the second time I have had this done, but the first time in a closed bed. In additioin, I hav having this prcedure done, plus two others (to be done on the 19th)because my doctors believe that I have impaired cognitive functio. That may be true -- and what I am really afraid of is that they will discover a irreversible and progressive problem -- like ALzheimer's disease.

There I said it. In black and white, I have admitted my greatest fear. My rheumatalogist believes tha I haver significan't enough issues to warrant a referral to a neurologist and she, in tuirn, believes their is enough question to complete a battery of tests. And I am frightened.

My husband is running scared. We have had huge blow out fights -- rare in our union. They are scarey to be in the middle of. In my house, everyone is walking around on tippy toes. I pull my fear in close and wrap it tightly around me, as if it will offer some sort of protection. I try to avoid words like progressive and degenerative. I try t9o bury myyself, but the only things I have are my children -- God,, I have to keep them close now, and my worst enemy right now -- food. My children are facing adult decisions as they try to pretect and comfort me from the not-so-hidden heated words that pass between my husband and me.

The previous calmness of my house has become a war zone filled with frustration and dread. Medications cause my weight to balloon -- 50 pounds in two months. I feel as though if I am pierced with a pin, I will explode into slimy oozy gobs.

Medical bills continue to soar. Don't know about payment, because everything goes to only the most basic items. There is talk of discontinuing phones, and satellite television. The children have long since given up allowances and the random treat. Things like feeding our pets become issues that I thought ...

In the meantime, I sit at my computer at 3 something, pouring out more of my story to a mostly unread and passed over blog. Just putting felling down in words will have to suffice. The vastness of cyberspace precludes a large followership. I suppose it is OK -- like so many other things that just have to be what they are, I wrap myself in my blanket of fear and sit -- as usual, alone.