Sept. 4, 2009

I am listening to the Michael Jason album Bad that my Jacob ripped to the computers for me. Such an awesome young man.

It has been a while -- that seems to be my song of life lately. I can't seem to get myself on a schedule. I am working on it. I think the longer the boys are in school that the more I will be able to schedule myself. As for now though, I am making lists that I need to get through each day, and hoping to get through them in one day.

My boys going back to school has been -- well, not awful for me or them, but there have been some rough patches. Patrick was being bullied -- note that I said was -- there was a boy in one of his classes that talked ugly to him all of the time and just pushed Patrick around. Patrick finally got angry at the system -- he was doing the right things like telling mom and telling teachers -- it didn't stopped the boy -- so Patrick stabbed him with a pencil. Of course, Patrick got sent home for three days -- a vacation to him as the school has a policy of waiting three days before they will send work home. Long story short is that the boy is leaving Patrick alone -- and are some other kids that were bothering his friends. I am not an advocate of fighting, but sometimes, you just have to show a person who is boss. Patrick has switched his classes around a bit -- one of the math classes was too easy, so he switched to higher level, and that sort of thing. He is walking a tight rope now -- school still overwhelms him. He goes into the rest room and cries when it gets too much, but he is staying at school -- and doing his work.

Jacob is having a good time. I think being the big dog -- in 8th grade -- gives him a bit of confidence that he hasn't had before. He is doing well in all classes -- and even admits to liking some of them! He is actively participating in gym -- something that he hasn't always done, and is achieving a measure of success. He talks of the softball game that he made a hit and got on base, and eventually scored a run with it. he said it felt great! He even likes the "mean" teacher that most other kids don't like. Jacob says that he likes the things that he is teaching and the way he allows the students to be an active participant.

And my Ashton -- he stays close in my heart. I wish that we lived closer -- or that he lived closer -- so we could get to know him better. He made an impact on our family and had to leave all too soon. As for the other Texas children -- well, Alicia is working and going to school. Such a good girl, and I am so very proud of her. Now if she would just stop smoking ... And Trevor, well, he is Trevor. Doesn't share details hardly with me. I only hear if something is bad --

The life of a mother

I know I haven't posted in a while. I don't have any excuse, except that I have been playing games on-line instead of writing. I know -- not taking advantage of my free time as I should.

Times are a chanin' in the Bradley house. Over the summer, there was an addition to the Bradley house hold. Seems that Mark had a child in San Antonio -- he is 15, and a great kid. His mother purchased a plane ticket for him to fly up here to meet us. It was a great time and we loved him. We sure didn't want him to go home. Lots of thoughts flew around after he made that initial call. The bottom line is that we love him, and he loves us.

I sure had some strange feelings at first though. Is he really Mark's son? Are we going to have to pay child support? What does the boy really want? The thing is -- the boy only wants to know his family. We are planning our next visit. The boys really like him, and look up to him. He is family in every sense of the word.

My kids have also started back to school. It is interesting, as Patrick is in high school now. It hasn't been an easy road. He is so negative about it -- even though he really likes some of the classes, and loves being with his friends -- and it is high school. That is very cool. However, Patrick is really having a difficult time fitting in. The social aspect of things is really getting to him. In fact, he was in an altercation with another child -- Patrick received a 3 day out of school suspension. The asst. principal was very lenient. He could have given Patrick up to ten days.

I can't do this again this year. I don't know what I am going to do with my son. I really don't want to consider other options, but I am beginning to think that there is no other choice. Patrick can't handle social situations. I look at him, and see his tender hearted boy that is so ferociously loyal to his friends and those he loves acting like some punk city kid who was never taught behavior options. It scares me. What will become of him if he can't figure out how to do this? I just don't know. I see him leaning toward violence as a option, but I think that is wrong. No -- I know that is wrong. I just don't have the strength to do this.

Exercise and Me

I have been having a hard time with my fibromyalgia lately. I hurt. I had been working out with Jacob, who is going to play football when school starts. It is hard! Today, I could not do hardly any of the exercises. I just am in too much pain -- even with Darvocet and Fexeril. I wish I could afford to go to the chiropractor, as it was really helping me. I saw Roseanne at Dr. Ron Archanati's Sports Medicine office. I really am trying to press through the pain, but it is really difficult. It takes all of the energy I can muster. Even two hours later, my muscles are quivering, and I am more than maxed out on pain medications. I still take them. Seriously thought about the ER, but don't have the money. So frustrating.

If fighting the pain and the tiredness isn't enough, I am trying to pack up the basement. Mark scored some free floor covering. The boys are helping, but we just really don't have anywhere to put anything. In addition, I am trying to go through things for a yard sale on Saturday. We just have to have some income.

Friday, July 17

Random musings

Jacob is talking to me as I type. He has been reading the encyclopedia, and is just rambling. I know I should actively listen to him. The truth of the matter is that people with Asperger's Syndrome think that everyone is as interested in everything that they are interested in. It is a part of the social skill they lack -- they simply don't understand or even believe that other people simply don't have the exact same interests that they do. I used to listen to him, but he often just drones on and on.

Perhaps I need to go to a support group. In reality, I am sure it would help me, but -- well, I don't really have a reason that I don't find one and just go. It used to be that I was just too busy, but that isn't my reality any longer. I just don't even have the energy.

Mark is in bed already. I didn't spend more than 10 minutes with him today. He did ask if anything was wrong with me, but I told him that I was OK. Fact is, I am just bone tired. I know with the fibromyalgia, it makes me tired all of the time, but this is different. I feel mentally tired also. Part of what makes me tired is that Mark doesn't understand my fatigue. I have tried all sorts of things to give me more energy. I have changed our diet. I am trying to be more physically active. I have tried Ritalin, and when that didn't work well, the doctor switched me to Adderall. That works a bit, but I can't sleep when I take it. I find myself getting so tired that I can't concentrate on anything. It is just a big circle of crazy.

Football and my child

I am proud of my son. Jacob is in the middle of summer camp for football, and wants to be on the football team for nest year (his 8th grade year). I couldn't be any happier.

When Jacob is our on the field, it is easy to see his Autistic traits. He doesn't exactly blend in well all of the time. He is hanging in there though, and now wants to be on the Middle School team this year. I am so proud of my child. I secretly cheer him on during every move. I feel for him each time he falls to the back of the pack when running, and and excited for him when he does a move correctly and gets a pat on the back from the coaches.

Things are going to be all right. I am hoping Jacob will learn he has more strength and determination in him than he knows. What ever happens -- he is part of a greater team, and I am quite proud of him.

A Contemporary

I have had days to reflect on the loss of Michael Jackson. His death has affected me in a profound way. It has made me more thankful for my family. I can't wrap my head around his children -- and the loss that they must be feeling. There is so much trash television about him now; I hope his children are protected from the frenzy that has overtaken the media.

My own feeling of loss is because Michael was a contemporary. Just a few years older than me, he has been a constant. My world has spiraled in so many directions, and through it all -- there was Michael and his music -- and those wonderful, crazy dance steps of his.

A Day Removed

As I sit here, a day removed from the Michael Jackson memorial, I can't help but look back to some of the more vivid moments: Reverend Al Sharpton thanking Michael for the barriers broken, Brooke Shields discussing her friendship ... to Paris just trying to let us know that Michael was the best daddy.

How strong he must have been as a father to show his children such stoicism. As a world together, we have sent our blessings to his family. We have shown them how much we cared, but what I keep thinking of is his three children - Prince, Paris, and Blanket - who don't have a life time of memories, but rather a scant few years to have enjoyed the love of their daddy. My heart aches for their loss -- and it doesn't matter how many videos or sound recordings there are of their father -- they will never be able to feel the arms of their daddy any longer. And for this, I am so sorry. For I have no doubt that it was the collective us that caused him to live a life that we cannot begin to understand -- and caused his death while he still had small children. Everyone who bought a tabloid or watched for a glimpse of him on the latest sleeze tv or thought that they knew him when we were really so far removed -- shame on us.