Michael

Changes

I had shut down the blog for a bit. I felt confused -- I still feel confused. I felt as though this blog could be used against me, and -- in fact -- it was. However, I need this outlet. I need to share with people what my life is like.

My life has changed so much in the past few years due to illness and, of course, the dissolving of my marriage. One of the few ways I know to deal is to share. years of therapy have taught me that. If what I write causes problems for people, then so be it. I need this like I need air. So I am changing what I previously said, I am going to use this outlet and share it with whomever chooses to read -- I am back.

Along with D comes S

Infidelity stinks. Separation is hard. Divorce makes me feel as though I have been sucker punched.

I don't know how I got to this place. How did I not see this coming? I keep playing the last 17 years of my life over and over like a broken record. I was promised that if ever the love left, I would be told. A new connection was made months ago, and when I questioned it, I was belittled.

I hate life at the moment. I have learned that I must keep myself together for the children even though what I really want to do is curl up and die.

Is religion and faith the answer? My family seems to think so; my family of origin that is, because I no longer have a family that was created through love shared with a mate. That was stripped away with one fell swoop.

I'm sorry rings hollow, because what is really meant is I am sorry I got caught cheating. As I said -- infidelity stinks.

Facing the big D

It is so hard for me -- this big divorce thing. I still don't understand how the person I knew and loved so much can turn into this person that is here now. Although the bodies are the same, that is the only similarity. And while this saddens me and shakes me to my core, I am finally resigned that the person that I am so in love with no longer exists. Perhaps it has to be this way for me to deal with the process.

I have tried other ways, and it almost killed me. My sister reminded me that I have to survive for my boys, and that showing them that I can survive, even when the heart doesn't want to, teaches them that even the hardest and steepest of obstacles can be overcome. There are moments that I believe I can't make it, but I have surrounded myself with powerful people. Their love and encouragement keep me focused on the most important thing -- the boys. They also are helping me to find a spiritual path that I have long been off of.

Life in the midst of a broken heart

I am done bashing. I am done with temper tantrums. I have to move forward or die. I know that now. It is possible to live with a broken heart, however much it hurts.

I know a lot of my friends and family read my blog. I am asking each of you to not create any more mess for me to deal with. If you look, you will see that I removed a couple of entries. I won't be the reason to give anyone motive or material to bash my husband, my family, or me. I still love my husband. I would take him back in a flash, but the truth is he doesn't want to be with me.

Dance among the leaves

Sitting at the window watching the leaves whip in the gusty wind. The mix of colors -- brown, read, green reminds one of a ballet. Fast and furious then slow, the limbs of the trees waving about in a furious dance of spring. Beautiful as it may be, the dance reflects my own inner turmoil. Limbs whipping about in the unchoreographed dance mimic my own feelings, undecided and confused.

My own conflict -- MY conflict -- owned by no one else. How I would like to place it on someone -- anyone. But the sad fact is that no matter how much I feel like the madly whipping tree limbs, and no matter how much I would like to place the problems on someone else, it just can't be.

I have created the mess I am in. I didn't share with my husband my feelings. I tried to pin them on someone else or something else. Pulling past events out fast and furious just like leaves falling from the trees in the fall. I take ownership of the problems that caused my husband -- the person I love more than anyone else on this planet -- to squash his feelings for me until there was no love left. It became a huge monster and has taken on it's own life.

Unhappy and unfulfilled. Problems that I have assisted in creating and too big now to overcome. I will fight the good fight for my family, but just as the beautiful leaves of the trees whip in the wind, the time will come in which the leaves will loosen their grip and fall, dead and crumpled. Just like my own husband's love for me. Once strong and wrapped around every fiber of our beings, now crumpled and dead.

The old dog

Creeping across the floor, hoping not to be noticed, he makes it to the doorway. Tossing a backward glance, he sees her ... and the pair of eyes following him. This was not the escape he intended.

She was lying in repose on the couch, her blonde hair flowing, almost blending into the couch. In her younger years, she was the first to engage. Lacking in beauty, and knowing that she was lacking in beauty, she more than made up for it in energy and heart. But that was in her younger years, and now, she was just trying to grow old with some sort of dignity. The pink of her cheeks now faded, and the bounce in her step gone. Of course, the less anyone noticed, the happier she was. Except that he always noticed, just as he noticed the very air she breathed.

He thought she didn't notice his tiptoeing around her. Well, not most of the time anyway. He wasn't arrogant with his youth. The simple matter of fact was that he loved her more than the breath of life. Of course he knew that in the neighborhood they called her a cougar. Which made him the kid. It didn't matter what they called him, as long as she didn't discover that anyone was saying anything less than kind about her. She walked in beauty and he loved every minute that he was allowed to spend with her. She was the very bane of his existence. His life before she was in it -- meaningless.

He tried to sneak out without her knowing because he knew that each time he went out without her, was one more thing that separated them. He tried so hard to help her. He knew that her time her on earth was nearing an end. It pained him so much. She was his everything. He often would just lie at her side, just the very act of being near her adding more memories. Sometimes he just watched her in her regal repose. Absorbing.

His devotion to her was mirrored by his devotion to his family. A whistle from his owner brought him to his feet, tail whipping wildly, ready for the game. It was these moments when she tried to keep up that she knew you can't teach an old dog new tricks.