On the death of an aunt

I don't think it had really hit me that Aunt Norma is really gone. Life seems to be rolling along just as normal. Kind of scary.

The day she passed away, I stayed with her until everyone had gone -- I needed to be with her. There were things that I needed to say to her -- in private -- without an audience. That was really hard. that was when I sobbed so hard I thought I wouldn't be able to stop. That was when I was reminded so much of the death of my mom.

I wasn't there during my mom's last moments, nor did I get a chance to say a final goodbye to her. She was whisked away before I was even told of her death. I didn't agree with there. I think it made her death all the harder for me to deal with.

I have this emptiness that wasn't there before, but I don't have the raging grief that I thought I would have. That is why I say that it hasn't really hit me yet. I am waiting for that tidal wave. Maybe it is because I didn't leave anything undone. Aunt Norma knew how much I loved her, and I knew how much she loved me. I don't have any regrets in her passing.

She lived life on her terms -- and ended it on her terms also. What a ride she had. I hope that I go out the same way.

Auntie

Dear Aunt Norma,

I am missing you already. I am so glad that I was there to hold your hand as you passed from this life, but it leaves me with an emptiness.

You took over for my mom when she passed away. I so appreciated that. I needed her - and you helped to fill that void. I know that I am often a troublesome person. I am challenged with depression and other health issues. But you understood me. I didn't feel judged or pressured -- we had good synergy.

I have years of memories -- some great of the fun times we had together, and some not so great of troublesome times shared, but the thing is -- we shared them. We are family, and the love that was shared was remarkable.

I know you are in Heaven now. I know you are so happy to be with your loved ones that have passed before you. I am happy for you Aunt Norma. Just thinking about you being able to walk and have full movement and not hurting -- well, that is awesome.

I know you lived life on your terms, and I am glad that you left it the same way. That is my Aunt Norma for you -- always trying to do things your way.

What I didn't know while we were creating all of those great memories together is how much of my heart you were taking up, and when you passed -- well, it feels like losing my mom all over again. Not that you replaced her, but you took over for her -- because you knew I needed that. More than anyone in my family -- of all of my siblings, I needed you the most, and you were there for me.

Yesterday, because I was feeling blue, I started to call you -- because you are my go to girl -- then I had to stop and realize that I couldn't call you any longer -- and that you are the reason that I am feeling this way. Don't get me wrong Auntie, I am thrilled that you are walking in paradise now. I am feeling just a little alone though.

Please say hi to my mom and tell her how much I love her and I miss her. Tell her that I forgive her for the times that she stood by and let my dad abuse us. I am really over that. Tell her that I am sorry for being angry with her for so long over it, but I am sure she understands -- just as you did -- that it was all a necessary part of the healing process.

Give my beloved Uncle Jimmy Dale a big hug and kiss for me. Thinking of him lately has inspired me to start going more places with my boys. I know there is so much to see and do. I am trying to inject some of his zest for life into me. I miss him, but I know he is so much happier -- especially that both of his sisters are with him now.

Please talk to your mom and dad about my family. Tell them about the awesome great grandkids they have. Tell them how much I miss them -- and mostly, how much I love them. I couldn't have had better grandparents. I know you know that, but I want them to know that too.

I am dealing with your passing quite well. I guess it is because I really don't have any regrets. I did as best I could, and I know you understand that. That's why we have such a great relationship.

I wish you would have hug around for my birthday -- it is in two days, you know. But I guess your gift to me was waiting for me. Thank you for that Auntie. Thank you for giving me the honor of holding your hand while you passed from this life to the next.

I have blue slacks to wear tomorrow -- for you. Perhaps I will incorporate more blue. I know how much you love it -- and it does go well with pink.

I love you more than words can say, and I miss you even more.

Forever yours,

Melinda

Great New Site for Sharing Pictures

I just sent 10 free postcards to my family and friends from this great site that I just found through Bzzagent.com -- a great word of mouth site where I get introduced to lots of new products -- and I get to try them out for free! OK -- many of you who follow my blog already know about Bzzagent.com. I try out the new things they offer, tell people about the products, then post a review of my chatter. For those of you (and I can't imagine who that would be), if you like to be the first to try new things out or if you are cutting edge, you should definitely go to Bzzagent and sign up. Really, it is a great site.

Just like http://www.cellphonepostcards.com/. What a great new site! I uploaded pics and then picked who I wanted to send them to. Then I typed in addresses -- and they save them in their address book so you only have to input once (thank goodness, because I know I will be using this site again). I sent homecoming pictures of my boys to grandparents. I sent post cards to their dad and their sister too! Then I sent pics of my boys playing with a friend's boys to that friend! I can't wait for everyone to get their postcards and tell me what they thought of them!One very cool thing is that the first 10 postcards are free! FREE! It doesn't get any better than that! you can upload from your cell phone or from Facebook.

I even sent a post card to myself so I could see what they look like. If this is as great as I think it is, I am a solid customer! To get to the site, either click on the link in this post or click on the post title as it is an active link also, but you knew that already, right?

Relationships

Recently I decided that it was time for me to open the door and start dating again. Heaven knows I have turned down so many in the past. I began by looking at dating sites. I didn't realize the impact it would have on my children. One of them any way.

Big problems. Crying at school acting out at home. Obviously, it isn't the time for me to start dating. Put that on a back burner.

The acting out brought dad back into the picture -- in a roundabout way. The acting out caused me to bring the hammer down -- so to speak -- on said child for inappropriate behavior. It didn't take long before he called dad to tell on me -- and ask if he could go live with dad. Fortunately for me, dad came over and we all had a table discussion about what happened. Dad totally supported me -- big whew on that one!

Child and I talked and talked about incident. I know it is difficult for any child to be disciplined. Especially when most of the time, the relationship is great and smooth. Then it is more like a friendship. I explained that to the child, and I think he understood. It is important for children to make the distinction between parent and friend. It helped that dad totally supported me in this -- and he reinforced the parent vs. friend theme.

It got me to thinking about my relationship with dad. Although I don't want to get back with dad and divorce IS in the picture, it had caused some reminiscing on my part about when dad and I were together and happy. I guess that is what I miss. I miss the partner I had, and the friend I had.

I really don't want to date. I am not ready. I don't know what I would do if someone wanted to kiss me. I am totally not ready for that. I just thought it would be good for me to be around more adults. My friends --well most of them, work during the day and are busy during their off time, so I don't get to see them as much as I would like. I really just want a pal. In all honesty, I want my friend and husband back -- the one that I fell in love with -- not the person that he is now. I want my partner -- but that is a relationship that will never happen. He is not the person that I am looking for. I am not the person that he could be with. I have changed too much. He has changed too much.

Sad though. I do catch glimpses of that dead relationship -- like when we were totally in sync over the child. It is that ghost that I am looking for -- and he isn't there, and never will be. That is the sad thing about dead relationships. That is why they are dead. But I still miss it -- and AI will forever have a hole that can't be filled by anything else.

To love a daughter

My daughter has come and gone. She lives in San Antonio -- because she is an adult and that is where her love is. We miss her so much. It seems we never get to see her enough nor or our visits long enough. Wish she lived closer.

I am so proud of the woman she has become. She is smart, funny, and beautiful. What a together woman. Wish I had been half as together as she is at her age -- I wasn't. And -- to top it all off -- she is fearless. Something that she definitely didn't get from me!

Having her here makes me think of how I was at her age -- and all of the chances for things that I passed up on because of fear. Usually fear of doing things by myself or being alone. It used to be such a big thing. I have learned that it can be a good thing. Overcoming that neediness has been such a lesson for me. In some ways I feel as though there were wasted years in not getting to this lace sooner in my life. However, if you really look at it -- I wouldn't be the person that I am now if anything in my life had happened differently.

I do love, however, knowing that my daughter won't be held back by the same insecurities that I had.

Frustration

My frustration level is high, and try as I might, it isn't getting lower. The primary problem is my -- wheat do I call him -- my ex -- the boys dad -- my husband -- whatever he is, he is really on my nerves. I make all of the appointments for the boys; I make sure their needs are met; I am here every day for them -- not their dad. It is by his choice that he isn't here.

But -- and there is always the but, isn't there? BUT -- he still tries to control. Have you done this; do something that way; blah, blah, blah. Unless there is a step up with participation -- and child support -- I just don't think there is a right to say one way or the other. SHUT UP!

Author Kathryn Stockett

I just finished reading Kathryn Stockett's The Help. It is a novel about black maids and the white families they worked for during the turbulent 60's. A great read -- definitely thought provoking.

I read much of it in a kind of hand over the mouth shock. I am too young to remember segregationist America, but old enough to remember seeing my first African American -- because I did live in a segregated America. I know people that believe things should still be that way, and I am ashamed for them. Color of skin -- or religion or sexual preference for that matter, should not be the determining factor in how one person feels about another.

At any rate, you should read this novel. It is a great look into our not so distant past. You can click on the title of this entry to launch directly to Kathryn Stockett's web site. I encourage you to do so.