On the death of an aunt

I don't think it had really hit me that Aunt Norma is really gone. Life seems to be rolling along just as normal. Kind of scary.

The day she passed away, I stayed with her until everyone had gone -- I needed to be with her. There were things that I needed to say to her -- in private -- without an audience. That was really hard. that was when I sobbed so hard I thought I wouldn't be able to stop. That was when I was reminded so much of the death of my mom.

I wasn't there during my mom's last moments, nor did I get a chance to say a final goodbye to her. She was whisked away before I was even told of her death. I didn't agree with there. I think it made her death all the harder for me to deal with.

I have this emptiness that wasn't there before, but I don't have the raging grief that I thought I would have. That is why I say that it hasn't really hit me yet. I am waiting for that tidal wave. Maybe it is because I didn't leave anything undone. Aunt Norma knew how much I loved her, and I knew how much she loved me. I don't have any regrets in her passing.

She lived life on her terms -- and ended it on her terms also. What a ride she had. I hope that I go out the same way.

Auntie

Dear Aunt Norma,

I am missing you already. I am so glad that I was there to hold your hand as you passed from this life, but it leaves me with an emptiness.

You took over for my mom when she passed away. I so appreciated that. I needed her - and you helped to fill that void. I know that I am often a troublesome person. I am challenged with depression and other health issues. But you understood me. I didn't feel judged or pressured -- we had good synergy.

I have years of memories -- some great of the fun times we had together, and some not so great of troublesome times shared, but the thing is -- we shared them. We are family, and the love that was shared was remarkable.

I know you are in Heaven now. I know you are so happy to be with your loved ones that have passed before you. I am happy for you Aunt Norma. Just thinking about you being able to walk and have full movement and not hurting -- well, that is awesome.

I know you lived life on your terms, and I am glad that you left it the same way. That is my Aunt Norma for you -- always trying to do things your way.

What I didn't know while we were creating all of those great memories together is how much of my heart you were taking up, and when you passed -- well, it feels like losing my mom all over again. Not that you replaced her, but you took over for her -- because you knew I needed that. More than anyone in my family -- of all of my siblings, I needed you the most, and you were there for me.

Yesterday, because I was feeling blue, I started to call you -- because you are my go to girl -- then I had to stop and realize that I couldn't call you any longer -- and that you are the reason that I am feeling this way. Don't get me wrong Auntie, I am thrilled that you are walking in paradise now. I am feeling just a little alone though.

Please say hi to my mom and tell her how much I love her and I miss her. Tell her that I forgive her for the times that she stood by and let my dad abuse us. I am really over that. Tell her that I am sorry for being angry with her for so long over it, but I am sure she understands -- just as you did -- that it was all a necessary part of the healing process.

Give my beloved Uncle Jimmy Dale a big hug and kiss for me. Thinking of him lately has inspired me to start going more places with my boys. I know there is so much to see and do. I am trying to inject some of his zest for life into me. I miss him, but I know he is so much happier -- especially that both of his sisters are with him now.

Please talk to your mom and dad about my family. Tell them about the awesome great grandkids they have. Tell them how much I miss them -- and mostly, how much I love them. I couldn't have had better grandparents. I know you know that, but I want them to know that too.

I am dealing with your passing quite well. I guess it is because I really don't have any regrets. I did as best I could, and I know you understand that. That's why we have such a great relationship.

I wish you would have hug around for my birthday -- it is in two days, you know. But I guess your gift to me was waiting for me. Thank you for that Auntie. Thank you for giving me the honor of holding your hand while you passed from this life to the next.

I have blue slacks to wear tomorrow -- for you. Perhaps I will incorporate more blue. I know how much you love it -- and it does go well with pink.

I love you more than words can say, and I miss you even more.

Forever yours,

Melinda