Relationships

Recently I decided that it was time for me to open the door and start dating again. Heaven knows I have turned down so many in the past. I began by looking at dating sites. I didn't realize the impact it would have on my children. One of them any way.

Big problems. Crying at school acting out at home. Obviously, it isn't the time for me to start dating. Put that on a back burner.

The acting out brought dad back into the picture -- in a roundabout way. The acting out caused me to bring the hammer down -- so to speak -- on said child for inappropriate behavior. It didn't take long before he called dad to tell on me -- and ask if he could go live with dad. Fortunately for me, dad came over and we all had a table discussion about what happened. Dad totally supported me -- big whew on that one!

Child and I talked and talked about incident. I know it is difficult for any child to be disciplined. Especially when most of the time, the relationship is great and smooth. Then it is more like a friendship. I explained that to the child, and I think he understood. It is important for children to make the distinction between parent and friend. It helped that dad totally supported me in this -- and he reinforced the parent vs. friend theme.

It got me to thinking about my relationship with dad. Although I don't want to get back with dad and divorce IS in the picture, it had caused some reminiscing on my part about when dad and I were together and happy. I guess that is what I miss. I miss the partner I had, and the friend I had.

I really don't want to date. I am not ready. I don't know what I would do if someone wanted to kiss me. I am totally not ready for that. I just thought it would be good for me to be around more adults. My friends --well most of them, work during the day and are busy during their off time, so I don't get to see them as much as I would like. I really just want a pal. In all honesty, I want my friend and husband back -- the one that I fell in love with -- not the person that he is now. I want my partner -- but that is a relationship that will never happen. He is not the person that I am looking for. I am not the person that he could be with. I have changed too much. He has changed too much.

Sad though. I do catch glimpses of that dead relationship -- like when we were totally in sync over the child. It is that ghost that I am looking for -- and he isn't there, and never will be. That is the sad thing about dead relationships. That is why they are dead. But I still miss it -- and AI will forever have a hole that can't be filled by anything else.