To Heaven or Hell

An interesting conversation with my son tonight. It started because my niece, a young 20 something has cancer. So we started talking about how sometimes life seems so unfair. Then he asked me to tell him a story.

I told him about when I was in the third grade, all settled in school by then, with friends close enough that we could walk to each others houses. My grandparents, with whom I thought the sun rose and set, were within walking distance from our house. Life was good. One day my dad came home from work and told us that we had to move. He had been promoted, but we had to move to the town he was going to work in.

You need some background here to see the entire picture. My mom had never lived anywhere else but that town. She knew every nook and cranny, and I believe she was very happy there. If the sun rose and set with my grandparents (her parents), then the stars in the sky were there because of my mom. She was involved in everything -- the library board, march of dimes, my class room mother -- and if that wasn't enough, she kept the house running smoothly for me and my six siblings, plus my cantankerous dad. In my world, my mother was as close to perfect as a mother can be.

That all changed when we moved. In fact, everything changed. My grandfather passed away right before we moved. A hard blow to my mom. We lost my other grandfather and my grandmother the next two years. Plus, we didn't fit in. My dad was mean -- he ran off my mom's friends. He ran off our friends. We couldn't have anyone over when he was at home, because he would make them go home and we would get in trouble for having fun. Looking back, it must have been a very stressful time for him too. He also had to move away from his home town, and begin a new job. All in all, I think most of the family was pretty unhappy about the move.

So back to sharing with my son: he asked about what it was like to move. Then, for some reason, my son asked me how old my mom was when she died. He said that he thought it was cancer that killed my mother, and the fact that she had Alzheimer's -- well she was predestined to have that cancer and it was her time to go. Then he asked me what I thought about my dad, who has been so mean and hurtful for most of his life, still being here.

I thought about that for a moment. I didn't have to think about how I would answer, but only if I should share my thoughts with my son. Well, he did ask, so I told him. I shared that I thought it was awful that my mom had to suffer the illnesses that she did, and that I felt cheated because I would have chosen that path for my dad any day over my mom.

We then talked about karma, and heaven versus hell. My boy thinks my dad has no chance of being allowed into heaven. As for me, I don't know. Perhaps the laws of karma are already working. My dad is old -- 80, but he seems even older to me. His eyesight is failing. My independent stubborn father is now dependent on others for so many things. On top of that, he watched my mother's decline from day one to the very end. If that isn't hell, well, I just can't imagine it could be any worse. So maybe he is already dealing with karma. Maybe, getting into heaven is like my mother used to say, "As long as you have faith at least the size of a mustard seed, you will allowed into heaven."

Musings

So many things flitting in and out of my heard. Mark and I went to parent/teacher conferences for Patrick last night. We found out some valuable information, and I made some decisions about what teachers I don't like dealing with. I must say that most of them were very nice and helpful. After years of these things, I took my binder of information; the only thing that was really helpful was the addendum to his IEP. Teacher meetings are always valuable. Absorbing the information provided and deciding which pieces to use are really helpful. I certainly need to blog about these communications. I am very lucky to have been on both sides of the table -- as a teacher and a parent. Very useful 2 1/2 hours.

Next -- Jacob has taken to chewing on things. Much like a teething baby. I am sure it helps him with his OCD and Asperger's, but he chews on things a lot -- and sometimes inappropriate things. He has chewed on electrical cords, tv remotes, cups, plates, toys, paper, his clothes, his book bag, his hands ... you name it, if it is in our house, it has probably been in his mouth. I try to correct when I see him chewing, but I don't seem to be making any headway with him. His face is all broken out -- I am sure to his hands and heaven knows what else always being on his face while chewing. Any ideas on how to curb this?

Michael Jackson -- Jacob and I have tickets reserved for the This Is It movie. We are really looking forward to it. At the same time, I am very sad about how everyone seems to be trying to make a buck off his death.I know that I am saying this while admitting at the same time I am furthering this madness with my movie ticket purchase. I hate that Sony Records, is making so much money off of MJ, when they were so nasty to him while he was alive. I am also unhappy about the people who would not and did not support him while he was alive, but are quick to jump on the bandwagon to dish dirt and hand out posthumous awards. I am thinking the only redeeming thing may be that his children learn how much their father was loved, and although some of the adoration seems false -- they are young enough to believe what they see, and all they will know was that their father was adored by many. I am a fan, and will always be a fan. I am just sad that he died at such a young age.

As for fibromyalgia, it is really bothering me. I am in a big hurt, but nothing seems to help. I surely don't have a clue as to what to do about this. I have gone to therapists, doctors, rhuematologists, neurologists, chiropractors. I seem to be really at a standstill right now -- neither progressing or moving backward. Just being.

Sept. 4, 2009

I am listening to the Michael Jason album Bad that my Jacob ripped to the computers for me. Such an awesome young man.

It has been a while -- that seems to be my song of life lately. I can't seem to get myself on a schedule. I am working on it. I think the longer the boys are in school that the more I will be able to schedule myself. As for now though, I am making lists that I need to get through each day, and hoping to get through them in one day.

My boys going back to school has been -- well, not awful for me or them, but there have been some rough patches. Patrick was being bullied -- note that I said was -- there was a boy in one of his classes that talked ugly to him all of the time and just pushed Patrick around. Patrick finally got angry at the system -- he was doing the right things like telling mom and telling teachers -- it didn't stopped the boy -- so Patrick stabbed him with a pencil. Of course, Patrick got sent home for three days -- a vacation to him as the school has a policy of waiting three days before they will send work home. Long story short is that the boy is leaving Patrick alone -- and are some other kids that were bothering his friends. I am not an advocate of fighting, but sometimes, you just have to show a person who is boss. Patrick has switched his classes around a bit -- one of the math classes was too easy, so he switched to higher level, and that sort of thing. He is walking a tight rope now -- school still overwhelms him. He goes into the rest room and cries when it gets too much, but he is staying at school -- and doing his work.

Jacob is having a good time. I think being the big dog -- in 8th grade -- gives him a bit of confidence that he hasn't had before. He is doing well in all classes -- and even admits to liking some of them! He is actively participating in gym -- something that he hasn't always done, and is achieving a measure of success. He talks of the softball game that he made a hit and got on base, and eventually scored a run with it. he said it felt great! He even likes the "mean" teacher that most other kids don't like. Jacob says that he likes the things that he is teaching and the way he allows the students to be an active participant.

And my Ashton -- he stays close in my heart. I wish that we lived closer -- or that he lived closer -- so we could get to know him better. He made an impact on our family and had to leave all too soon. As for the other Texas children -- well, Alicia is working and going to school. Such a good girl, and I am so very proud of her. Now if she would just stop smoking ... And Trevor, well, he is Trevor. Doesn't share details hardly with me. I only hear if something is bad --