I have been reflecting on the loss of Whitney Houston. Perhaps it touches me so because we are of the same age -- both born in 1963. Her life, for all of the supposed glamour that came with it appears to be one filled with heart ache.
I think of words that I have heard from other celebrities -- about how life as a celebrity isn't always as it appears to be. It is often filled with loneliness and isolation. I don't think I would want that kind of life. Sure, money can bring all sorts of material luxuries, but what are they if your life is empty otherwise?
I can't imagine not knowing who I could trust, who I could turn to. Always second guessing as to whether or not those around you are there for the money and fame or out of true love.
My life is often difficult. My health is not great. I suffer from chronic depression in addition to my other health issues. I have been to that edge and stepped over, not wanting to live any longer because I was so in the depths of that dark depression. I am financially poor by USA standards. But I have love of friends and family. I am rarely bored or lonely, and to be quite truthful, I don't feel especially poor. I have a house with electricity, heat, and running water. My children have luxuries like video games and the computer. We have three pets. I have a solid car that is paid for. I don't have the newest and best, but I am content. I wonder if Whiteny Houston would have said that smame thng. For all she had, I believe I have more.
Showing posts with label attitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attitude. Show all posts
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thoughts on a Saturday
A thought that keeps running through my head is regarding forward thinking. Every time I have ever applied for a job, I have always stated that a goal is to create forward thinking students. Forward thinking to me is some one that keeps their eye on the future and how their presence can impact or change that idea of future.
Unfortunately for me, I have not been a forward thinker for sometime now. I have been caught up in the past, due in part by my activity on face book and the reconnection of old friends. This has dredged up memories of dreams unfulfilled, and a life led at times by uncertainty and a longing for past and easier times.
Where has this put me? I can only compare it to racing on a track where the only things of concern are speed, avoiding collisions and spin outs, and the greatest challenge is yet another left turn. This is where I have spent the last few months, save for an occasional break that allows for a temporary peek into the future. These are fleeting and rare. My being is consumed by the now, unfulfilled and perhaps unrecognized dreams, and that pull for what might have been.
Certainly, we all think of the past occasionally. That is what has put us in this specific time and place. Choices made and lessons learned. However, being bogged down lets those moments of time just fly past us. A snap of the fingers and yet another moment, another opportunity gone. Another snap, another missed opportunity.
Recognizing this is part of the answer. Believe me, I recognize that I have been stuck making those endless left turns. In this time, there have been losses of loved ones, additions to families, and extreme challenges. I haven't revelled in the glory of the new opportunities facing me. I have been a wallower. I will try -- I must try -- to change. Life is to fleeting to waste -- and that is what I have been doing -- making those left turns and only looking at the present. The future is where I need to place my focus.
Unfortunately for me, I have not been a forward thinker for sometime now. I have been caught up in the past, due in part by my activity on face book and the reconnection of old friends. This has dredged up memories of dreams unfulfilled, and a life led at times by uncertainty and a longing for past and easier times.
Where has this put me? I can only compare it to racing on a track where the only things of concern are speed, avoiding collisions and spin outs, and the greatest challenge is yet another left turn. This is where I have spent the last few months, save for an occasional break that allows for a temporary peek into the future. These are fleeting and rare. My being is consumed by the now, unfulfilled and perhaps unrecognized dreams, and that pull for what might have been.
Certainly, we all think of the past occasionally. That is what has put us in this specific time and place. Choices made and lessons learned. However, being bogged down lets those moments of time just fly past us. A snap of the fingers and yet another moment, another opportunity gone. Another snap, another missed opportunity.
Recognizing this is part of the answer. Believe me, I recognize that I have been stuck making those endless left turns. In this time, there have been losses of loved ones, additions to families, and extreme challenges. I haven't revelled in the glory of the new opportunities facing me. I have been a wallower. I will try -- I must try -- to change. Life is to fleeting to waste -- and that is what I have been doing -- making those left turns and only looking at the present. The future is where I need to place my focus.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Saturday’s Attitude of Gratitude
Today I am so thankful for:
my house, because I could be living in as shelter.
my insurance that allows both Patrick and I to attend therapy, because his alone without insurance is $320 per day.
Jacob, who instead of fixating on the fact that his brother is getting so much attention, is being wonderful and caring.
Mark, who is trying to understand.
my house, because I could be living in as shelter.
my insurance that allows both Patrick and I to attend therapy, because his alone without insurance is $320 per day.
Jacob, who instead of fixating on the fact that his brother is getting so much attention, is being wonderful and caring.
Mark, who is trying to understand.
Friday, November 7, 2008
11-7-08 attitude of gratitude
I am grateful for:
my son who turned 14 two days ago.
my friend, Sheila, who supports me always.
my friend, Marti, who loves me.
my husband, who even though he is so tired, still listens to me and works hard to provide for our family.
my insurance that it is so good and allows me to go to therapy each day.
my house.
living in Missouri where I get to see all four seasons.
my son who turned 14 two days ago.
my friend, Sheila, who supports me always.
my friend, Marti, who loves me.
my husband, who even though he is so tired, still listens to me and works hard to provide for our family.
my insurance that it is so good and allows me to go to therapy each day.
my house.
living in Missouri where I get to see all four seasons.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday's attitude of gratitude
Something new I am trying (of course it comes from Hyland's therapy courses) is a daily attitude of gratitude. I know with depression that we tend to focus on the bad and bleak -- so to turn that around, we need to focus on what we are thankful for. Today I am thankful for my family, especially my husband. I know I don't talk about him that often, but he is wonderful. I don't know how I would make it through this without him. He is more of a rock than he knows. Of course, this is terribly stressful for him -- I think man mentality is that they fix a problem when presented with it. He can't fix this; he can help me, but he can't fix it. I am the only one that can fix it.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Attitude of Gratitude
Attitude of Gratitude. This is one of the catch phrases that is used at therapy. I lost it, as I always do when I am depressed. The attitude is supposed to be one of thankfulness for all of the good things in your life.
When I am depressed, not just sad, but really deep down I-am-not-sure-I-can-make-it-anymore depressed, I lose my attitude of gratitude. I am sure I am not the only person that had felt this way, but when you look at it objectively, it is stinking thinking that puts one in this place. I call it the spiral to hell, because at the bottom of the spiral is a dark place where all of the hurts of the past that I haven’t dealt with just well up and overtake me. It blocks out all of the good in my life until I am so blinded by the trash, that I can’t see anything else.
More trash surfaces, more good is blocked, and before I know it, I am at a place where I don’t see the good. I look at my children and think, “How can I effectively parent when I didn’t have a good model?” I look at my husband and think, “He is so going to leave me when he finds out what I am really like.” I look at my job and think, “It is all a great sham and the children know that I can’t effectively manage them.” You begin to see how stinking thinking because this great all-encompassing fireball.
I get why group therapy works for me. I listen to others talk about their stinking thinking. I can see that their path is not the right one; I can see the good in them. Once I begin to talk to others about their good qualities and the good things in their life, I begin to picture my own, and my attitude of gratitude starts to build. As I sit here typing at 4 something am, surrounded by my still sleeping family, I can see through the fog at the goodness they bring into my life – and how their love and faith can rebuild my Attitude of Gratitude.
When I am depressed, not just sad, but really deep down I-am-not-sure-I-can-make-it-anymore depressed, I lose my attitude of gratitude. I am sure I am not the only person that had felt this way, but when you look at it objectively, it is stinking thinking that puts one in this place. I call it the spiral to hell, because at the bottom of the spiral is a dark place where all of the hurts of the past that I haven’t dealt with just well up and overtake me. It blocks out all of the good in my life until I am so blinded by the trash, that I can’t see anything else.
More trash surfaces, more good is blocked, and before I know it, I am at a place where I don’t see the good. I look at my children and think, “How can I effectively parent when I didn’t have a good model?” I look at my husband and think, “He is so going to leave me when he finds out what I am really like.” I look at my job and think, “It is all a great sham and the children know that I can’t effectively manage them.” You begin to see how stinking thinking because this great all-encompassing fireball.
I get why group therapy works for me. I listen to others talk about their stinking thinking. I can see that their path is not the right one; I can see the good in them. Once I begin to talk to others about their good qualities and the good things in their life, I begin to picture my own, and my attitude of gratitude starts to build. As I sit here typing at 4 something am, surrounded by my still sleeping family, I can see through the fog at the goodness they bring into my life – and how their love and faith can rebuild my Attitude of Gratitude.
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