Attitude of Gratitude for Monday, December 22

I am so thankful this morning that I have a house to shelter me, because I know there are others that do not have this luxury. It is so cold outside. I may not have much, but I do have shelter.

My daily affirmations:
1. I am smart.
2. I am well-educated.


OK -- so maybe I am having a bit of trouble on the affirmations this morning. Truth is, I know I am smart, but I look like a cow. What I see in the mirror is someone in desperate need of intervention for eating. I have been so fat for so long, I don't even remember what thin felt like. I HAVE to lose weight. My blood pressure is up, I have gained weight instead of lost, I am on so many medications I can't remember what I am taking. I am in the middle of a vortex, and it is sucking me down. I can't go to that place again, but I am not sure how to get out.

On Melinda's Mind Thursday

It has been a few days since I have blogged. I have missed it. For starters, Patrick's half days seeme to be working ofr him. Yesterday was an IEP meeting that I had asked for to discuss reevaluation. We missed our long time OT, who doesn't work at the school any longer, and our school social worker, who is out on FMLA. Patrick didn't advocate as strongly for himself as he would have had they been there. At any rate, he is going to be retested in specifically in the areas of mathmatics. They have 60 days to get that done in. Whenever it is done, we will reconvene and go over the results and lock down an IEP with the new data.

I met with dear friend Cathy. It is amazing how you just casually meet someone and they become such a good friend. I really enjoyed my time with her.

Sheila, if you read this. we are supposed to arrange a time after the 27th to get together. I am sure it will be fun for all of us. I miss the fact that we don't' get together after school any more; we should do that once in a while. What do you think?

I am ready for Christmas. The only reason I am is because we really cut back this year, and we are having smaller scale decorations in the house. I like it thought, because I don't seem to have the energy to do something big for the holidays.

Mark says that he notices a change in my behavior. I am just very laid back about everything. I believe it is the medication as well as a change of attitude. I am a bit frustrated right now as I have managed to misplace my drive that has my books on it. I spend most of the day the previous two days looking for it, but can't find it. I am sue it will turn up some where.

That leads me to 10 things that I like about me.

1. I have friends who want to spend their precious time with me.
2. I have enough information and creativity to attemtp to write a book, even if it never gets published.
3. I have a roof over my head, because it is cold outside.
4. I have the drive to get out of bed in the mornings.
5. I have the ability to choose to be productive during my day.
6. I have things in my lie that I look forward to. like this blog.
7. I do not live in Illinois, and can say that I didn't vote for Blogoyvitch (because I would have).
8. I have an ever growing group of friends.
9. I can detach from things when I need to, at least most of the time.
10. I can type.

The last day of November

Today is the last day of November, 2008. When I got up this morning, there was a dusting of snow on the ground. It was just enough to create that filmy, frosty look of a fresh winter morning. Never mind that it was all melted off by 10 am. It was that newness that struck me. It made me feel as if it was created just for me.

That is what I need. Newness. I've been working on creating newness around me. I arranged my bedroom a bit different, and have been attacking the daily chores of my house with a different attitude. I am trying to see things more as blessings instead of curses.

What I am still having problems with is my family of origin. My sister called several days ago inquiring about my health and my situation. I told her -- I don't know why, but I spilled my guts to her. Then I found out that she emailed my siblings to tell basically dish dirt on me. That is the very thing I have been trying to prevent all along. I don't know how to deal with it or what to do or should I even do anything at all. The other thing is -- now that they do know, why aren't they stepping up to help me, or offer assistance or anything. Frustrating to say the least.

My attitude of gratitude today is that I can form my own family. I can include those that love me and that I love the most, whether they are my family of origin or not.

Jacob, Shut Up

We hear Jacob, shut up a lot in our house. Jacob is our noise maker. He likes toys that make noise, and, quite often, he likes the sound of his own voice. If things get quite in the house, Jacob starts talking. Sometimes it is just endless and mindless vocalizations. Often, it frustrates his brother. Hence, Jacob, shut up.

We discourage Patrick from using those words with his brother, but I do remember what it was like to be 14. I didn't have a younger sister nagging me, but I had older sibs, and a lot of them. I don't always agree with them, and, quite frankly, wish I had the courage to say shut up sometimes.

My attitude of gratitude today is that I have wonderful hearing, and the boys that make me cringe when I hear unnesessary things fly out of their mouths. I am also gratful for my own siblings, even when unnecessary things fly out of their mouths too.

What on my Mind, 11/19/08

I haven't been posting about therapy as I originally intended to. I have allowed life to get in the way of what I want to do, which is writing. No matter the form, I want to write.

So here is a catch up: since lat Thursday, I have only attended therapy for 1 and 1/2 days. I attended partially on Thursday of last week. My fibromyalgia, for which I blame every ache and pain on, was in full swing. I did intend to initially stay the entire day, but the pain got the best of me, and I left half way through the day. I went home and took medication, which promptly made me so tired, I didn't feel like doing anything. On Friday, I felt awful and didn't even attempt to go to therapy.; I called in sick for that day.

I did go on Monday, but to be truthful, I didn't get much out of it. My pain levels were too high for me to focus on what they were saying and doing. So here it is Wednesday, and I was at the Clayton Sleep Lab. I did my sleep study last night. I thought I was going to be evaluated for a nap study, but found out that I have sleep apnea primarily during REM sleep, and need a C-Pap machine to allow for oxygen flow. I have already called off Therapy, so I am not going. I have a lot of things I want to do today at home.

We will see together what the next therapy session brings. I am hoping for a reduction pf days. I may demand the reduction of days attended. I need t he time, and I can honestly say that I am not getting as much from daily treatment as I was in the beginning. I believe that three times per week sessions would better serve my needs.

I am at home, Jacob is at school, Patrick is at Edgewood, and Mark is at work. I plan to get several pieces of writing done. Yesterday, I mailed out a manuscript for a contest. I think I might mail it out to a couple of other places to see if I can't get it published. I plan to work on some reviews and my books. Sounds like a great day, doesn't it?

Finally, my sttitude of gratitude: I am grateful for the leaves all over the place. I needed their beauty when they changed colors a week or so ago.

My anniversary

Mark and I have been married for 15 years today. I am so happy to be with him. If people really get a soul mate, then he is mine. It took me a long time to realize that.

I am reading Finding Your Way Home by Melody Beattie. One of the activities is a soul searching mission. Some of the questions she poses made me stop and think.
If you weren't afraid to try, what would you be doing, and who would you be doing it with? What are you trying to get more and more of that doesn't make you happy - no mater how much or how little of it you get? What have you adapted and adapted to until you feel there's almost none of you left to compromise? If you were living from a base of faith instead of fear, how would that change your life?

Well, I thought about these questions. I would try to be a writer full time if I weren't afraid, but I am writing, and I am pushing the fear aside. About what I am trying to get more and more of -- the obvious answer is money, but I don't think that is the real answer for me. I think I am trying to get more and more attention, and it isn't making me happy. I just need to do what does make me happy and that is writing. Even if what I am writing is trash. I have adapted to the work force -- teaching mainstream education in public schools. I don't think I have anything left to give to any of the people at my school. At least, not right now. And as for the faith question -- how much more can I live by faith? I am not drawing any kind of paycheck. I am just trusting faith that I am taking the right path and that things are going to work out for me -- and my family. I wouldn't be putting everything that Mark and I have worked the last 15 years for otherwise. I do understand what I am doing.

That said, my attitude of gratitude for today is that I have my Mark. He is such a good husband and friend.

Saturday’s Attitude of Gratitude

Today I am so thankful for:
my house, because I could be living in as shelter.
my insurance that allows both Patrick and I to attend therapy, because his alone without insurance is $320 per day.
Jacob, who instead of fixating on the fact that his brother is getting so much attention, is being wonderful and caring.
Mark, who is trying to understand.

I know I haven’t been posting like usual on this list. I have been writing though. I am starting to write on the site Associated Content. I am not making a ton of money, but I am making money, which really helps out. It is great to get paid for what I love to do.

Other than writing, I have been working with my son. Patrick is now attending an intensive outpatient program daily at St. Johns. Long story. I hope it helps him as much as it has helped me. If you believe in the power of prayer, please include him in your prayers. We would both appreciate it.

My attitude of gratitude for today is that I am thankful for my family that I love so much, for my insurance that allows my family to obtain care that we would not otherwise be able to afford, and for my psychiatrist, Dr. Rao, who is helping me to find affordable medication.

11-7-08 attitude of gratitude

I am grateful for:
my son who turned 14 two days ago.
my friend, Sheila, who supports me always.
my friend, Marti, who loves me.
my husband, who even though he is so tired, still listens to me and works hard to provide for our family.
my insurance that it is so good and allows me to go to therapy each day.
my house.
living in Missouri where I get to see all four seasons.

VOTE CHANGE!

Please vote today. Please consider voting for Barack Obama as he has the most effective plans for middle class America to pull our nation out of the slump that has been affected by the Republican party and George W. Bush. If you live in Missouri, I encourage you to vote no on Prop A. Prop A does not add funding to the schools, it takes it away from one source and allows the money to be given from another -- there is no additional funding to schools in this bill. In addition, it allows the current gambling casinos to create a monopoly. Monopolies are never good for the economy. It also lifts the current loss limits for individuals, meaning that an individual could potentially gamble away their life savings in one event. My attitude of gratitude for today is that I am so happy that I live in a country that allows me the freedom to express my opinion without fear of retribution.

Friday's attitude of gratitude

Something new I am trying (of course it comes from Hyland's therapy courses) is a daily attitude of gratitude. I know with depression that we tend to focus on the bad and bleak -- so to turn that around, we need to focus on what we are thankful for. Today I am thankful for my family, especially my husband. I know I don't talk about him that often, but he is wonderful. I don't know how I would make it through this without him. He is more of a rock than he knows. Of course, this is terribly stressful for him -- I think man mentality is that they fix a problem when presented with it. He can't fix this; he can help me, but he can't fix it. I am the only one that can fix it.