Thoughts on a Saturday

A thought that keeps running through my head is regarding forward thinking. Every time I have ever applied for a job, I have always stated that a goal is to create forward thinking students. Forward thinking to me is some one that keeps their eye on the future and how their presence can impact or change that idea of future.

Unfortunately for me, I have not been a forward thinker for sometime now. I have been caught up in the past, due in part by my activity on face book and the reconnection of old friends. This has dredged up memories of dreams unfulfilled, and a life led at times by uncertainty and a longing for past and easier times.

Where has this put me? I can only compare it to racing on a track where the only things of concern are speed, avoiding collisions and spin outs, and the greatest challenge is yet another left turn. This is where I have spent the last few months, save for an occasional break that allows for a temporary peek into the future. These are fleeting and rare. My being is consumed by the now, unfulfilled and perhaps unrecognized dreams, and that pull for what might have been.

Certainly, we all think of the past occasionally. That is what has put us in this specific time and place. Choices made and lessons learned. However, being bogged down lets those moments of time just fly past us. A snap of the fingers and yet another moment, another opportunity gone. Another snap, another missed opportunity.

Recognizing this is part of the answer. Believe me, I recognize that I have been stuck making those endless left turns. In this time, there have been losses of loved ones, additions to families, and extreme challenges. I haven't revelled in the glory of the new opportunities facing me. I have been a wallower. I will try -- I must try -- to change. Life is to fleeting to waste -- and that is what I have been doing -- making those left turns and only looking at the present. The future is where I need to place my focus.

Me? Codependent???

I have started attending a Codependents Anonymous (CoDa) group. While I am still not sure if this is the place for me, I know that I have to work on things outside of the Intensive Outpatient Therapy sessions that I have been attending. I need the support of a safe place to deal with my problems, and one of them is being codependent. For those of you who aren’t familiar with co-dependency, it is a term applied to people who in simple terminology, take care of everyone around them, but fail to take care of themselves.

At the first CoDa meeting that I attend as a part of St. Anthony’s outreach programs, a new member is given a packet the first session. In it is this definition of Codependence.

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependence and may aid those who have been in recovery a while in determining what traits still needs (sic) attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as “never good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise of gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.’
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interest (sic) and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of that the “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advise and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

In the CoDa support group I attended last night, ten positive affirmations about ones’ self was talked about. So instead of trying to do a daily attitude of gratitude, I am going to work on ten daily positive affirmations about myself.

I got up and showered.
I offered and took the boys to school.
I worked on laundry.
I didn’t lie and say that I felt good when I didn’t.
I got the boys up and motivated to get ready for school.
I am writing before I work on anything else, including only fun things.
I am smart.
I am working on self.
I am trying not to control the people in my house.
I fed the animals this morning.

I thought that putting down 10 affirmations would be easy, but it was really difficult. Even starting was difficult. I recommend that assignment for any one who is wishing to raise their self esteem. I am hoping that it becomes easier as the days go by.

If anyone wants information on CoDa or the meetings, you can email me at patricknjacob@aol.com. I will be happy to share information with you.

Melody Beattie and me

I am reading a lot lately. I particularly am focused on the works of Melody Beattie. In her her bookFind Your Way Home: a Soul Survival Kit, she talks about, among other things, the beginnings and endings of thins in our lives. I relate this especially to jobs.

"Ending and rebirth - new beginnings - are an ongoing part of life. ... Learn to recognize when the lesson is learned and our time with a parson or in a particular place is over. Then pack your bags and leave. Get all the pieces and spiritual insights that you went there to learn. Ask. You'll receive all the help that you need. ... Finish your business in each situation, so you won't have to go back there again. ... Sometimes when we believe lies long enough, we forget that we really know the truth."

I recommend everyone reading at least one of her books. There are portions of this book that I felt I knew already or really didn't apply to me, but the vast majority of it does apply. Don't forget her name - Melody Beatie. You can check out her website; here's a link: http://www.melodybeattie.com/