Thoughts on Haiti

The catastrophe in Haiti seems to still have news desks around the work riveted firmly in place. Among the things being bandied about is that it will take 10 years to repair the damage, thousands are dead, hundreds are orphaned, and there are hundreds that have had surgeries or are in need of surgery. People have rushed to donate money, time, and supplies. Perhaps that is how it should be.

For those who have much, much is expected. However, what about the people in this country who are in need of help? What about the thousands upon thousands who have sub standard health care due to lack of funds for insurance. What about the homeless on the streets of this country? What about soldiers from this country who are in hospitals dealing with just as massive of injuries? What about the children of soldiers, police officers, teachers -- all those who serve at the will of the people -- who have lost their lives so others in our country may have a better life? What about our orphans?

It boggles the mind that people rush to help others, but forsake our own. For those who have much, much is expected. Just don't forget those in your own community, in your own state, in your own country.

Tonight's Grammy Awards

The Grammy's -- one of the "It" awards for recording artists. Tonight a musical tribute was paid to Michael Jackson. His children were there also, accompanied by an uncle entourage, to accept a lifetime achievement award in behalf of their father. While it was touching, and even tear-jerking, it was too little too late.

Jackson was sneered at by the industry after accusations of child molestation became public. Two cases -- one settled out of court and another with Jackson being found not-guilty after undergoing months of public scrutiny. Where was the industry that he loved so much when he was going through this, this mess, this torment?

There was always fan support, and most of the time he had the support of his family. All of the time Michael had the love of his children. But the industry to which he gave so much turned their collective backs on him when he needed them most.

Since his death, many artists have jumped on the Michael Jackson train. It is all about making the big buck. The fucking almighty dollar. There is something wrong with a society that will allow for the collective back to be turned when there is a time of need, but when it looks good or money is to be made, just try to find a seat on that train. Be careful, or you will find yourself pushed under a passing train in an attempt to gain a buck -- or several of them. Whatever the case, it is sickening, and time for a change.

MJ revisited

Months after the passing of Michael Jackson, I find myself back at the computer, googling the latest news and then flipping though pictures of his children. While it is true that I am a huge fan, and even more so after his untimely passing, the pull today is his children.

Unable to put thoughts of the now parent less trio behind me, I drift to YouTube to watch clips. as the pictures scroll past, my mind drifts. I find myself wondering what memories the youngest of the children, Blanket, will have of his father years from now. I compare my own loss of 3 grandparents at a young age; and the strands of memories that have been filtered through the years. The realization that the majority of the memories are vague with gaping holes, like a spider's web that has been loosed from it's moorings.

While fans have their memories, and often share them with other fans, Michael's children don't have the luxury of exchanging memories with millions. Even if that were to happen, these children lost their father -- not some icon that echoes a lifetime of dreams. The cold truth of the matter is that Blanket, in all likelihood, will retain only fractured memories of his beloved father. Such a sad thought for one so young.

Dirt dishers and rumor mongers

There is a saying, "Don't judge a book by it's cover." I don't think it must apply to blog titles, because you can judge this blog by it's title. Let me explain.

I continually try to improve my life. Too many years were spent trying to recover years lost to a bad past, as well as carrying around the baggage that went with it. Such a long time spent in the hole of depression trying to grasp the wind -- well, not literally, but it is a good analogy for what I was trying to do. Just as you can't actually ever hold the wind, I couldn't do anything about my past with the exception of moving past it.

So what does this have to do with dirt dishers and rumor mongers? You see, I try really hard these days to not say really negative things about people nor to I try to spread gossip or dish dirt on people. Unfortunately, while I have been trying to improve my life, others have been rolling in muck and mire in order to spread information to those that can do nothing but worry. I ask myself why do that to someone? Why cause undo worry and stress?

The answer to these questions are really quite clear. There are people enjoy dishing dirt and being rumor mongers. Seems it makes them feel better about their own lives. I don't pretend to understand how that works. In fact, isn't that what bullies do? Dish dirt and spread rumors to make them selves feel or look better at someone else's expense?

If reading this post makes you uncomfortable or you are wondering if I am referring to you, I probably am. Don't bother to apologize, because I am not mad nor am I holding a grudge. Just think about why you feel the need to do this.

A shift in focus

In the excitement that is building in my house, I find comfort. The crackle of Christmas energy has arrived with much anticipation on the part of two young men that also lay claim to this house -- this home. Christmas this year, in reality the whole year, has been such a growing experience for the entire brood. We have held fast and have managed to come out of the learning curve all intact.

The lack of financial resources has made the traditional gift giving experience, well, an experience. We have learned ... or in some cases relearned ... that it is not about the material items that are exchanged, but the spirit in which the love is renewed.

This is not to say that the gifts that will be exchanged aren't welcome. They are. What began as a meager fare, has increased fourfold due to the charity of others. The traditional children's dance around festive packages, amid ornaments and other holiday paraphernalia, has reached an almost frenzied state. Corners of packages have been carefully lifted and then hurriedly stuck back down -- an attempt to glimpse the forbidden fruit. It seldom works, but does add to the fever of the holiday.

Calls have been made to reach out to others that may be in need of Christmas cheer, and invitations extended to those who have not found a corner of cheer. In our shifted focus, we have found the true meaning of the season ... the great gift of sharing love, and a renewed sense of the greatest gift to us all. That is, the love of an almighty parent, creating a life that will grow into the greatest earthly giver of love and compassion.

Merry Christmas to all.

Ok -- went to dr today. Got so many meds -- my head is spinning. Albuterol is not a good thing to inhale right before bed time, and combined with prednisone also not good.. Got even more new meds today -- no telling what they are doing. I am still wheezing and short of breath. My head says I am tired, but my body is buzzing and is really winning the race. Also, having butter pecan ice cream in the freezer is really baaaadddd. Thank goodness I have kids who had destroyed most of it.

It is past bed time, and I am just buzzing along. Mark made me come upstairs at 10 -- silly him ... so afraid that being in the basement will make me sicker. I was decorating the downstairs Christmas tree with Patrick. I love my Mark and how he takes such good care of me -- even times when I resist. Btw, the dr said I may have COPD -- blech! Like I need one more thing wrong with me. Let's count them -- copd -- maybe, fibromyalgia, arthritis, fat, depression, lichen planus -- and who knows what else. Kind of like the weather here in St. Louis, wait around for a few minutes and it will change.Here's a new fact for you: lichen planus (I have the oral kind -- google it, it's disgusting) causes a metallic taste in your mouth. The taste kind of reminds me of blood, only it doesn't really go away.

To top everything off, I have a meeting with Patrick's "team" at school the Thursday of the week he goes back. I am dreading it. I caused the ball to be in motion; I feel that Patrick's IEP is not being followed in his math class.

Oh -- funny thing -- my dog Walter (remember, he only had 3 legs) has been sleeping on the couch. His head slowly fell of the pillows he was using, which eventually woke him up. He just spent the last few minutes trying to use his front leg to rearrange the pillows. (The red ones we bought a Carrie and Suzie's yard sale.) He laid down again, obviously not comfortable. So then he tired doing the doggy waling in a circle thingy and plopped down again. Still wasn't comfortable, so he got up again. and tried moving the pillows around with his mouth. You guessed it, it still wasn't what he wanted. So he moved to the other end of the couch, and just stared longingly at the pillows. He couldn't take it, so he gets up again and tries to move the pillows with his head -- like trying to pin one down with his one front leg, stay upright, and move the other pillow all at the same time. I finally felt sorry for him and fixed the pillows for him. He is now in a little ball, only on one pillow. I am thinking it is because the other one has too much dog slob on it. Poor three legged baby. No pics, of course because the camera would be in the bedroom, where people with good sense are sleeping.

Stress

Just releasing a bit of stress in the form of a rant.

Life is so difficult right now. Bills are not getting paid. Mortgage is behind. Little to no money for the holidays. Mt health is not in a good place. And my son is having such a hard time at school. There are suitable alternative schools, but they cost money that I don't have and won't be able to have for quite a while. In the meantime, he falls deeper and deeper into his pit. I am not able to think this through . I long to be led in the correct direction.