1. I love my husband.
2. I love my children.
3. I am smart.
4. I am powerful.
5. I have control over how I react to the world around me.
6. I worked on my chored today.
7. I worked on my writing today.
8. I got out of bed and got going this morning when I really didn't want to do so.
9. I made breakfast for my children.
10. I read some of my library books, which is helping to expand my mind.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
The last day of November
Today is the last day of November, 2008. When I got up this morning, there was a dusting of snow on the ground. It was just enough to create that filmy, frosty look of a fresh winter morning. Never mind that it was all melted off by 10 am. It was that newness that struck me. It made me feel as if it was created just for me.
That is what I need. Newness. I've been working on creating newness around me. I arranged my bedroom a bit different, and have been attacking the daily chores of my house with a different attitude. I am trying to see things more as blessings instead of curses.
What I am still having problems with is my family of origin. My sister called several days ago inquiring about my health and my situation. I told her -- I don't know why, but I spilled my guts to her. Then I found out that she emailed my siblings to tell basically dish dirt on me. That is the very thing I have been trying to prevent all along. I don't know how to deal with it or what to do or should I even do anything at all. The other thing is -- now that they do know, why aren't they stepping up to help me, or offer assistance or anything. Frustrating to say the least.
My attitude of gratitude today is that I can form my own family. I can include those that love me and that I love the most, whether they are my family of origin or not.
That is what I need. Newness. I've been working on creating newness around me. I arranged my bedroom a bit different, and have been attacking the daily chores of my house with a different attitude. I am trying to see things more as blessings instead of curses.
What I am still having problems with is my family of origin. My sister called several days ago inquiring about my health and my situation. I told her -- I don't know why, but I spilled my guts to her. Then I found out that she emailed my siblings to tell basically dish dirt on me. That is the very thing I have been trying to prevent all along. I don't know how to deal with it or what to do or should I even do anything at all. The other thing is -- now that they do know, why aren't they stepping up to help me, or offer assistance or anything. Frustrating to say the least.
My attitude of gratitude today is that I can form my own family. I can include those that love me and that I love the most, whether they are my family of origin or not.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
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On Mel's Mind, Saturday, November 29th
I haven't posted for a couple of days. Been busy. On Thanksgiving, I made our traditional family meal of Lasagna. My boys loved it. Funny thing is that I don't like red sauce foods very much, but I did eat some. We had a pretty good day. The cherry pie I made was gone in one day, so I bought the things to make another. Not that we need it, mind you, but I wanted more than what I got! I also am going to make a pumpkin pie -- another food item that I don't like at all. but will make because my family likes it. Fortunately for me, I am a good cook. It is a lot cheaper to make items yourself than to purchase them pre-made.
Yesterday was my last day of intensive day treatment. I don't know how I feel about that yet. I do have therapy scheduled -- I think it is going to be a weekly thing for me, and I am attending Coda meetings. I also think I am going to go to an Al Anon meeting and perhaps therapy for victims of incest in order to more fully heal that process.
Yesterday was my last day of intensive day treatment. I don't know how I feel about that yet. I do have therapy scheduled -- I think it is going to be a weekly thing for me, and I am attending Coda meetings. I also think I am going to go to an Al Anon meeting and perhaps therapy for victims of incest in order to more fully heal that process.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
On Mel's Mind
Ugh -- awful morning. Patrick fought and fought about going to therapy today. We had loud voices and tears. It was an awful way to begin the morning. I checked and he missed his meds last night. I think a big part of his problem is that his brother gets to be at home this morning, because he is on Thanksgiving break. I don’t know what to do when he gets in a mood like that. He just so needs to learn how to deal with everything. If anyone has ideas, please either leave a comment or email me at patricknjacob@aol.com. Thanks so much for your support.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
yay for friends
A big THANK YOU to my friend Cathy for her gift! It came just at the perfect time. Cathy is so generous and full of love -- it is just overwhelming! I am so blessed.
Me? Codependent???
I have started attending a Codependents Anonymous (CoDa) group. While I am still not sure if this is the place for me, I know that I have to work on things outside of the Intensive Outpatient Therapy sessions that I have been attending. I need the support of a safe place to deal with my problems, and one of them is being codependent. For those of you who aren’t familiar with co-dependency, it is a term applied to people who in simple terminology, take care of everyone around them, but fail to take care of themselves.
At the first CoDa meeting that I attend as a part of St. Anthony’s outreach programs, a new member is given a packet the first session. In it is this definition of Codependence.
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependence and may aid those who have been in recovery a while in determining what traits still needs (sic) attention and transformation.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self-Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as “never good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise of gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.’
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interest (sic) and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of that the “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advise and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
In the CoDa support group I attended last night, ten positive affirmations about ones’ self was talked about. So instead of trying to do a daily attitude of gratitude, I am going to work on ten daily positive affirmations about myself.
I got up and showered.
I offered and took the boys to school.
I worked on laundry.
I didn’t lie and say that I felt good when I didn’t.
I got the boys up and motivated to get ready for school.
I am writing before I work on anything else, including only fun things.
I am smart.
I am working on self.
I am trying not to control the people in my house.
I fed the animals this morning.
I thought that putting down 10 affirmations would be easy, but it was really difficult. Even starting was difficult. I recommend that assignment for any one who is wishing to raise their self esteem. I am hoping that it becomes easier as the days go by.
If anyone wants information on CoDa or the meetings, you can email me at patricknjacob@aol.com. I will be happy to share information with you.
At the first CoDa meeting that I attend as a part of St. Anthony’s outreach programs, a new member is given a packet the first session. In it is this definition of Codependence.
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependence and may aid those who have been in recovery a while in determining what traits still needs (sic) attention and transformation.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self-Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as “never good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise of gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.’
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interest (sic) and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of that the “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advise and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
In the CoDa support group I attended last night, ten positive affirmations about ones’ self was talked about. So instead of trying to do a daily attitude of gratitude, I am going to work on ten daily positive affirmations about myself.
I got up and showered.
I offered and took the boys to school.
I worked on laundry.
I didn’t lie and say that I felt good when I didn’t.
I got the boys up and motivated to get ready for school.
I am writing before I work on anything else, including only fun things.
I am smart.
I am working on self.
I am trying not to control the people in my house.
I fed the animals this morning.
I thought that putting down 10 affirmations would be easy, but it was really difficult. Even starting was difficult. I recommend that assignment for any one who is wishing to raise their self esteem. I am hoping that it becomes easier as the days go by.
If anyone wants information on CoDa or the meetings, you can email me at patricknjacob@aol.com. I will be happy to share information with you.
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