Friday, July 17

Random musings

Jacob is talking to me as I type. He has been reading the encyclopedia, and is just rambling. I know I should actively listen to him. The truth of the matter is that people with Asperger's Syndrome think that everyone is as interested in everything that they are interested in. It is a part of the social skill they lack -- they simply don't understand or even believe that other people simply don't have the exact same interests that they do. I used to listen to him, but he often just drones on and on.

Perhaps I need to go to a support group. In reality, I am sure it would help me, but -- well, I don't really have a reason that I don't find one and just go. It used to be that I was just too busy, but that isn't my reality any longer. I just don't even have the energy.

Mark is in bed already. I didn't spend more than 10 minutes with him today. He did ask if anything was wrong with me, but I told him that I was OK. Fact is, I am just bone tired. I know with the fibromyalgia, it makes me tired all of the time, but this is different. I feel mentally tired also. Part of what makes me tired is that Mark doesn't understand my fatigue. I have tried all sorts of things to give me more energy. I have changed our diet. I am trying to be more physically active. I have tried Ritalin, and when that didn't work well, the doctor switched me to Adderall. That works a bit, but I can't sleep when I take it. I find myself getting so tired that I can't concentrate on anything. It is just a big circle of crazy.

Football and my child

I am proud of my son. Jacob is in the middle of summer camp for football, and wants to be on the football team for nest year (his 8th grade year). I couldn't be any happier.

When Jacob is our on the field, it is easy to see his Autistic traits. He doesn't exactly blend in well all of the time. He is hanging in there though, and now wants to be on the Middle School team this year. I am so proud of my child. I secretly cheer him on during every move. I feel for him each time he falls to the back of the pack when running, and and excited for him when he does a move correctly and gets a pat on the back from the coaches.

Things are going to be all right. I am hoping Jacob will learn he has more strength and determination in him than he knows. What ever happens -- he is part of a greater team, and I am quite proud of him.

A Contemporary

I have had days to reflect on the loss of Michael Jackson. His death has affected me in a profound way. It has made me more thankful for my family. I can't wrap my head around his children -- and the loss that they must be feeling. There is so much trash television about him now; I hope his children are protected from the frenzy that has overtaken the media.

My own feeling of loss is because Michael was a contemporary. Just a few years older than me, he has been a constant. My world has spiraled in so many directions, and through it all -- there was Michael and his music -- and those wonderful, crazy dance steps of his.

A Day Removed

As I sit here, a day removed from the Michael Jackson memorial, I can't help but look back to some of the more vivid moments: Reverend Al Sharpton thanking Michael for the barriers broken, Brooke Shields discussing her friendship ... to Paris just trying to let us know that Michael was the best daddy.

How strong he must have been as a father to show his children such stoicism. As a world together, we have sent our blessings to his family. We have shown them how much we cared, but what I keep thinking of is his three children - Prince, Paris, and Blanket - who don't have a life time of memories, but rather a scant few years to have enjoyed the love of their daddy. My heart aches for their loss -- and it doesn't matter how many videos or sound recordings there are of their father -- they will never be able to feel the arms of their daddy any longer. And for this, I am so sorry. For I have no doubt that it was the collective us that caused him to live a life that we cannot begin to understand -- and caused his death while he still had small children. Everyone who bought a tabloid or watched for a glimpse of him on the latest sleeze tv or thought that they knew him when we were really so far removed -- shame on us.

A lighter View

While I was at home sobbing to Paris Jackson trying to honor her father, my husband was at Ladue Crossing meeting Lou Brock, and receiving an autographed photo. Mr. Brock was one of the two baseball heroes of my youth -- the other being Curt Flood. A very good afternoon for Mark as he was allowed to meet this baseball legend.

Michael Jackson

The hardest thing today -- Paris Jackson pleading for her Daddy to know that she loves him, and that he was the best Daddy. I can't imagine what her life was like being the daughter of Michael, who wasn't allowed to be a "regular" person. My heart just goes out to all of his children -- Paris, Prince, and Blanket. I feel for all of his family, but most for the children. The simple love of a child for her Daddy.

More Michael

I have never been a fan of Al Sharpton, but I do appreciate his words during this celebrations Of Michael Jackson's life. It is touching to hear and see all of these people who just spread love so much to his family. A fan or not, one must respect the love being shared.