My Mark

Mark is in Georgia. He spent the evening at the funeral home taking one last time to spend the evening with our beloved Mamaw. While I don't begrudge Mark this chance in the least, I am sad that I didn't get to go as I love Mamaw too. What has taken me by surprise is how much I miss Mark and how incomplete I feel with him gone. Perhaps it is that I am also missing Mamaw and am unable to bring closure at this moment to her passing, I miss Mark at my side. I can't wait for him to come home.

Death of a Matriarch

Mamaw is gone. For almost 70 years of her 80something years of life, she has been the tie that linked the Bradley family together. Now she is gone. On Tuesday, she will be placed into the ground beside Papaw, her partner in life nor almost 70 years, and now her partner in death. I wonder, did she pass because she no longer felt useful? She certainly seemed to be loving her new life in Jacksonville, but I wonder if that was all a pretense for her family. Regardless of the reason, she will be missed. Each time I talked to her, she would impart some piece of wisdom, whether it be how to care for children, how to keep a marriage together, or how to live life to it's fullest. I feel regret at her plaintive, "When are you going to make time to come to see me again?" -- and never making it.

I will miss you Mamaw. Your journey home leaves a small hole in my heart that no other can fill.

Dream for this day

Just where do our dreams get us? How are they realized? How many people leave this life with dreams unfulfilled?

I wonder how many people follow their dreams and fall flat on their face. Or better yet, allow their fear to paralyze them so that dreams go unrealized, falling to the way-side like some sort of confetti sprinkled haphazardly and missing it's target. Life all around goes onward -- without a thought, and someone, perhaps the dream maker himself sweeps the confetti out with the trash.

Define yourself and your dreams. Don't allow the spark of uncertainty or the paralysis of fear to take hold, leaving you with a life unfulfilled and dreams pushed to the wayside. Continue to dream, not only for this day, but for all days -- now and forever.

I wonder ...

I wonder if Valentine's day is only for the hoplessly romantic. Valentine's day typically passes me by unnoticed. Neither my husband nor I are romantics, so a warm hug is our idea of being romantic. Perhaps secretly my husband is more romatic than I am.

Mel's Mind, February 2,

I realized today that I haven't blogged here in over a week. I don't know where my time has gone, and I am very surprised that this much time has passed.

I haven't been feeling well. My hips have been hurting terribly, and I have been so tired. I am guessing it is a fibromyalgia flares. I have been irritable and just plain cranky.

Patrick had a tough week also. He was talking about dropping out of school when he turns 16 and not even beeing alive by age 20. Scary stuff for my family.

Mel's Mind, January 25, 2009

Can you believe that we are closing in on the end of January? It amazes me at how time flies by the older I get. Before I know it, I will be 60 -- the good thing about time flying by so quickly is that the bad things or bad days are soon a distant memory.

I had a tough fibromyalgia day yesterday. I ended up in the ER. The good thing is that I received a morphine dose in an IV and felt better quickly. The bad side of it is that I spent several hours in the ER (Mark was with me), and it will cost the usual $100 for an ER visit. I asked my doctor if I could go to the Urgent Care Clinic, but he was worried that they wouldn't have the correct tests available if something showed positive on an evaluation test, so off I went to the ER. The tests showed nothing, of course. I am glad they erred on the side of caution, but I also wish I didn't have to worry about the fees involved.

What do you think about the new president working over the weekend? I heard on the news that Washington politicians are going to have to get used to the idea of working on Saturday. I don't think that is a bad idea for the time being, until the budget it set and the economic situation of the country is relived or on the way to relief. I don't think that is the situation right now. I don't see locally that our economic situation is on an upswing. I do look forward to that day though.

Mark is talking about a trip he took to the Bahamas -- with his now ex-wife -- almost 20 years ago. I have never been, but would sure like to go. There are a lot of places that I would like to go, but have never been. I had always thought that I would have been much more of a world traveler by this time in my life, but, sadly, that is not the case. The only place I have ever been outside of the US is a couple of day trips to Mexico. I am hoping that changes in the next few years. Is this typical of others facing mid-life? I would surely like to know.

Thoughts on Wintery Friday

We we blessed with a wonderful spring like day yesterday. Temperatures were in the high 50s, and my children were outside in shorts. Mark was on the golf course, so it was a really great day for everyone. Being in St. Louis though, the weather typically doesn't stay any one way for long, and today we woke up with a 30 degree temperature drop. Mark got to take the day off to enjoy the unusually warm temperatures on the golf course -- of course, his favorite place.

Today we are back to normal, with the exception of Jacob being at home due to illness. I sent him yesterday, and I think it was too much for him. He was cranky and upset for most of the day yesterday. I am hoping that he will feel better on Monday with a long weekend.

I went to the rheumatologist yesterday. My Cymbalta was increased 30 mg. I am thrilled that my doctor felt sorry for me and gave me the medication. I was pretty happy with that, as it would have been an additional $45 co-pay. Not a good thing on my already strapped income.

Speaking of income -- it sure is hard with Mark being the only person bringing in money into the house hold. I am continually surprised that he stays with me. I have always loved him so much, but -- if it is possible at all -- I think that I love him more for understanding and standing bu when I know that it is so hard for him. It has caused us to focus more on what really matters and less on the things around us.