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I feel as though I live my life in a fog. I am not nearly as productive as I would like to be. I seem to have no drive and no energy. Just existing. I have to figure out how to change; how to break free.

Michael

Changes

I had shut down the blog for a bit. I felt confused -- I still feel confused. I felt as though this blog could be used against me, and -- in fact -- it was. However, I need this outlet. I need to share with people what my life is like.

My life has changed so much in the past few years due to illness and, of course, the dissolving of my marriage. One of the few ways I know to deal is to share. years of therapy have taught me that. If what I write causes problems for people, then so be it. I need this like I need air. So I am changing what I previously said, I am going to use this outlet and share it with whomever chooses to read -- I am back.

Along with D comes S

Infidelity stinks. Separation is hard. Divorce makes me feel as though I have been sucker punched.

I don't know how I got to this place. How did I not see this coming? I keep playing the last 17 years of my life over and over like a broken record. I was promised that if ever the love left, I would be told. A new connection was made months ago, and when I questioned it, I was belittled.

I hate life at the moment. I have learned that I must keep myself together for the children even though what I really want to do is curl up and die.

Is religion and faith the answer? My family seems to think so; my family of origin that is, because I no longer have a family that was created through love shared with a mate. That was stripped away with one fell swoop.

I'm sorry rings hollow, because what is really meant is I am sorry I got caught cheating. As I said -- infidelity stinks.

Facing the big D

It is so hard for me -- this big divorce thing. I still don't understand how the person I knew and loved so much can turn into this person that is here now. Although the bodies are the same, that is the only similarity. And while this saddens me and shakes me to my core, I am finally resigned that the person that I am so in love with no longer exists. Perhaps it has to be this way for me to deal with the process.

I have tried other ways, and it almost killed me. My sister reminded me that I have to survive for my boys, and that showing them that I can survive, even when the heart doesn't want to, teaches them that even the hardest and steepest of obstacles can be overcome. There are moments that I believe I can't make it, but I have surrounded myself with powerful people. Their love and encouragement keep me focused on the most important thing -- the boys. They also are helping me to find a spiritual path that I have long been off of.

Life in the midst of a broken heart

I am done bashing. I am done with temper tantrums. I have to move forward or die. I know that now. It is possible to live with a broken heart, however much it hurts.

I know a lot of my friends and family read my blog. I am asking each of you to not create any more mess for me to deal with. If you look, you will see that I removed a couple of entries. I won't be the reason to give anyone motive or material to bash my husband, my family, or me. I still love my husband. I would take him back in a flash, but the truth is he doesn't want to be with me.

Dance among the leaves

Sitting at the window watching the leaves whip in the gusty wind. The mix of colors -- brown, read, green reminds one of a ballet. Fast and furious then slow, the limbs of the trees waving about in a furious dance of spring. Beautiful as it may be, the dance reflects my own inner turmoil. Limbs whipping about in the unchoreographed dance mimic my own feelings, undecided and confused.

My own conflict -- MY conflict -- owned by no one else. How I would like to place it on someone -- anyone. But the sad fact is that no matter how much I feel like the madly whipping tree limbs, and no matter how much I would like to place the problems on someone else, it just can't be.

I have created the mess I am in. I didn't share with my husband my feelings. I tried to pin them on someone else or something else. Pulling past events out fast and furious just like leaves falling from the trees in the fall. I take ownership of the problems that caused my husband -- the person I love more than anyone else on this planet -- to squash his feelings for me until there was no love left. It became a huge monster and has taken on it's own life.

Unhappy and unfulfilled. Problems that I have assisted in creating and too big now to overcome. I will fight the good fight for my family, but just as the beautiful leaves of the trees whip in the wind, the time will come in which the leaves will loosen their grip and fall, dead and crumpled. Just like my own husband's love for me. Once strong and wrapped around every fiber of our beings, now crumpled and dead.