life

Life with fibromyalgia is difficult. I know I have beat that horse several times. However, what is often unmentioned is that those around us do not understand. It is frustrating to live under this veil all of the time.

A mother's day lament

Quite possibly the most wretched day of the year thus far. I should have spent the day with Aunt Norma, but in my self-absorbed world, it didn't occur to me until the horrible mood of the day spilled over onto my conscience self -- and the floodgates opened. Patrick proved to be my savior, as he has done so often lately. He is becoming a man much too quickly, and his perception of what is going on in the family is all too real.

Should I leave, shouldn't I leave, should Mark leave -- or do we just hang on to ride this one out somehow knowing that good times and an ease from the bone-crunching weight of our burdens lie just around the next bend? I do not claim to know the answer to such a mystifying question. My eternal sadness is harder and harder to contain, much like the rain spilling over the edge of a river. I feel as though I am consumed by the bleakness of it all. I know not where to turn or who to turn to. I fear I lost that ability with the death of my own mother and the near death state of my beloved Aunt Norma.

I feel --- the noose tightening just a bit.

Ramblings

What do you do when it seems life has thrown you an unwelcome curve ball? My initial reaction was to fight, but it seems that I am reduced to school girl pranks like name calling, because the truth is I don't know how to fight meanness. I feel as though this person is trying to pull my family apart, and I am at a loss at what to do. I don't know how to fight back. I am unhappy, and beginning to believe that the only way out is to leave.

Kentucky Derby

Mine that Bird just won the Kentucky Derby with 50 to 1 odds. I am so thrilled; it was an exciting race. Calvin Borel is the jocky -- this is his second win in three years. Very amazing. Wish I could have been there in person,

August 27

I had an appointment at the rheumatologist today. They changed my medicine dosage again. I also talked to the PA about my memory lapses. (For example, I forgot how to get to the doctor's office and had to call Mark.) I was hoping it was an easy fix. It isn't. It is called fibro fog -- and it is common with fibromyalgia patients. I am a bit sad about that. I also didn't loose any weight from last visit. I am too embarrassed to say how much I weigh, but it is a lot. I am so fat that most of my clothes don't fit any longer. I have to loose weight, and fix this fibro thing somehow. Uggh -- not such a good day for me.

I am asking everyone that reads this to pray, pray for my friend Russ and his wife, Valerie. She is undergoing surgery for breast cancer. Please keep them close in prayer. Thanks friends.

Too Much Stuff

I have know it for a long time, but have been unable to properly address the situation. I have too much stuff in my house. I am really interested in a greener environment. Part of this includes changing my house habits.

I don't know how this began. Perhaps it began when I had my first baby. The amount of stuff you need for a child is amazing. Or perhaps it began when I was put on bed rest with my second child. I accumulated a lot of stuff then simply because life is so boring on bed rest, and I felt I needed stuff to keep me occupied.

Now I am craving simplicity. I thought what I wanted was a bigger house -- I would like a garage and another bathroom. One obstacle is that I don't know how to stay organized. I wonder sometimes if I don't have Attention Deficit Disorder. People who have that have a tremendous problem with staying organized.

I am going to try t0 begin organizing and ridding myself and my house of the things we don't need. I don't know if this will upset my family or not, but it is one of those things that is really making me uncomfortable in my own home.

If anyone has ideas for organization, please don't hesitate to email me at patricknjacob@aol.com or leave a message.

Thoughts on a beautiful Monday

My friend has lost her cat. Although this doesn't seem like such a problem to some, most anyone who shares their home with a pet can empathize with her. And, I am sure, grateful that it isn't us who is suffering the loss, all the while hoping that her wayward Louella comes home soon.

To many people, pets are considered part of the family. Over the summer, we had to put our beloved Gracie down. She had not been doing well for some time. I opted to take my two boys with me. I asked them if they wanted to go, and they had said yes. It was a bad idea. It was in August, and I am still regretting that I allowed them to be there. It was awful. Terrible awful.

I wonder why we show so much compassion to our animals, but allow humans to go through agonizing, long suffering deaths. That too is awful. Terrible awful.

Another page -- I watched a Linda Ellerbe news short yesterday. I was about the greening of America. It started me thinking about how much we waste. Our footprints on this earth will be huge. How much useless stuff we have, and how much just plain stuff we have. I am looking at eco-friendly living. I am considering a summer vacation there -- only if I can get my family excited about it.