I am wondering -- how many others out there spend time ruminating about times past and friendships gone by the wayside. I am heavily a facebook fanatic -- approaching the need for a 12 step program! I have connected with others in a way I thought not possible, have been able to renew acquaintances, and even made some new friends, At the same time, I think about how I could be in a better place right now if I hadn't given up the chances that slipped so easily through my fingers.
But each day is a new chance, but I don't seem able to get past the cloud that I am under. I am having a problem putting all of the baggage behind me. Perhaps that is the wrong thing. Perhaps the problem is not putting things behind me, but looking only at today and what I can accomplish on this day. Shaking loose the baggage that often seems to swell over me is difficult, as is facing each new day as an opportunity to use. Lesson : more opportunity - old baggage = unending possibilities.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
In my head
I find that I am having some difficulty sleeping tonight. I am frightened. Tomorrow I am having an MRI done of my brain. It is the second time I have had this done, but the first time in a closed bed. In additioin, I hav having this prcedure done, plus two others (to be done on the 19th)because my doctors believe that I have impaired cognitive functio. That may be true -- and what I am really afraid of is that they will discover a irreversible and progressive problem -- like ALzheimer's disease.
There I said it. In black and white, I have admitted my greatest fear. My rheumatalogist believes tha I haver significan't enough issues to warrant a referral to a neurologist and she, in tuirn, believes their is enough question to complete a battery of tests. And I am frightened.
My husband is running scared. We have had huge blow out fights -- rare in our union. They are scarey to be in the middle of. In my house, everyone is walking around on tippy toes. I pull my fear in close and wrap it tightly around me, as if it will offer some sort of protection. I try to avoid words like progressive and degenerative. I try t9o bury myyself, but the only things I have are my children -- God,, I have to keep them close now, and my worst enemy right now -- food. My children are facing adult decisions as they try to pretect and comfort me from the not-so-hidden heated words that pass between my husband and me.
The previous calmness of my house has become a war zone filled with frustration and dread. Medications cause my weight to balloon -- 50 pounds in two months. I feel as though if I am pierced with a pin, I will explode into slimy oozy gobs.
Medical bills continue to soar. Don't know about payment, because everything goes to only the most basic items. There is talk of discontinuing phones, and satellite television. The children have long since given up allowances and the random treat. Things like feeding our pets become issues that I thought ...
In the meantime, I sit at my computer at 3 something, pouring out more of my story to a mostly unread and passed over blog. Just putting felling down in words will have to suffice. The vastness of cyberspace precludes a large followership. I suppose it is OK -- like so many other things that just have to be what they are, I wrap myself in my blanket of fear and sit -- as usual, alone.
There I said it. In black and white, I have admitted my greatest fear. My rheumatalogist believes tha I haver significan't enough issues to warrant a referral to a neurologist and she, in tuirn, believes their is enough question to complete a battery of tests. And I am frightened.
My husband is running scared. We have had huge blow out fights -- rare in our union. They are scarey to be in the middle of. In my house, everyone is walking around on tippy toes. I pull my fear in close and wrap it tightly around me, as if it will offer some sort of protection. I try to avoid words like progressive and degenerative. I try t9o bury myyself, but the only things I have are my children -- God,, I have to keep them close now, and my worst enemy right now -- food. My children are facing adult decisions as they try to pretect and comfort me from the not-so-hidden heated words that pass between my husband and me.
The previous calmness of my house has become a war zone filled with frustration and dread. Medications cause my weight to balloon -- 50 pounds in two months. I feel as though if I am pierced with a pin, I will explode into slimy oozy gobs.
Medical bills continue to soar. Don't know about payment, because everything goes to only the most basic items. There is talk of discontinuing phones, and satellite television. The children have long since given up allowances and the random treat. Things like feeding our pets become issues that I thought ...
In the meantime, I sit at my computer at 3 something, pouring out more of my story to a mostly unread and passed over blog. Just putting felling down in words will have to suffice. The vastness of cyberspace precludes a large followership. I suppose it is OK -- like so many other things that just have to be what they are, I wrap myself in my blanket of fear and sit -- as usual, alone.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Life with Fibromyalgia
Good golly I could use a break. Mark came home so angry last night -- it was 100% directed at me. Even though he apologized, his sharp words still hurt. I just can't handle being treated like that. I discovered that being so upset only causes my fibro to flare.
I am a mess today. I feel awful that my boys have been brought into this mess, but I do feel that my boys have a better understanding of what is going on with me than Mark does. Jacob says he thinks I need to go to the hospital so I can get control of all that is going on. I don't think so, but I do wish there was some measure of how I feel so that Mark could better understand. Patrick said he would fight his dad if he doesn't stop. Hard words coming from a boy that loves his dad more than anything. It is just a reflection of the tension in the house. They have both called their dad today to try to make him understand. It didn't help though -- Mark just called and fussed at me more.
I am trying -- I really don't understand where the anger comes from. He makes me feel as though I am doing this on purpose -- with purpose to destroy our family. I am not. If I could change things, I would. I am so unhappy. I do want to make a distinction that I am not depressed -- that is the only thing that seems to be going well, I was fine until I got pushed off the ledge I was sitting on.
I am a mess today. I feel awful that my boys have been brought into this mess, but I do feel that my boys have a better understanding of what is going on with me than Mark does. Jacob says he thinks I need to go to the hospital so I can get control of all that is going on. I don't think so, but I do wish there was some measure of how I feel so that Mark could better understand. Patrick said he would fight his dad if he doesn't stop. Hard words coming from a boy that loves his dad more than anything. It is just a reflection of the tension in the house. They have both called their dad today to try to make him understand. It didn't help though -- Mark just called and fussed at me more.
I am trying -- I really don't understand where the anger comes from. He makes me feel as though I am doing this on purpose -- with purpose to destroy our family. I am not. If I could change things, I would. I am so unhappy. I do want to make a distinction that I am not depressed -- that is the only thing that seems to be going well, I was fine until I got pushed off the ledge I was sitting on.
Monday, June 8, 2009
life
Life with fibromyalgia is difficult. I know I have beat that horse several times. However, what is often unmentioned is that those around us do not understand. It is frustrating to live under this veil all of the time.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
A mother's day lament
Quite possibly the most wretched day of the year thus far. I should have spent the day with Aunt Norma, but in my self-absorbed world, it didn't occur to me until the horrible mood of the day spilled over onto my conscience self -- and the floodgates opened. Patrick proved to be my savior, as he has done so often lately. He is becoming a man much too quickly, and his perception of what is going on in the family is all too real.
Should I leave, shouldn't I leave, should Mark leave -- or do we just hang on to ride this one out somehow knowing that good times and an ease from the bone-crunching weight of our burdens lie just around the next bend? I do not claim to know the answer to such a mystifying question. My eternal sadness is harder and harder to contain, much like the rain spilling over the edge of a river. I feel as though I am consumed by the bleakness of it all. I know not where to turn or who to turn to. I fear I lost that ability with the death of my own mother and the near death state of my beloved Aunt Norma.
I feel --- the noose tightening just a bit.
Should I leave, shouldn't I leave, should Mark leave -- or do we just hang on to ride this one out somehow knowing that good times and an ease from the bone-crunching weight of our burdens lie just around the next bend? I do not claim to know the answer to such a mystifying question. My eternal sadness is harder and harder to contain, much like the rain spilling over the edge of a river. I feel as though I am consumed by the bleakness of it all. I know not where to turn or who to turn to. I fear I lost that ability with the death of my own mother and the near death state of my beloved Aunt Norma.
I feel --- the noose tightening just a bit.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Ramblings
What do you do when it seems life has thrown you an unwelcome curve ball? My initial reaction was to fight, but it seems that I am reduced to school girl pranks like name calling, because the truth is I don't know how to fight meanness. I feel as though this person is trying to pull my family apart, and I am at a loss at what to do. I don't know how to fight back. I am unhappy, and beginning to believe that the only way out is to leave.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Kentucky Derby
Mine that Bird just won the Kentucky Derby with 50 to 1 odds. I am so thrilled; it was an exciting race. Calvin Borel is the jocky -- this is his second win in three years. Very amazing. Wish I could have been there in person,
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